My DS cries for the majority of the day. HELP!

[Poycastle]

Hi everyone,
Just need to vent. DS (8 weeks on Wednesday, born at 34 weeks) literally never stops crying. The GP and I think he may have reflux so have started him on Gaviscon as he literally screams from one feed to the next and only stops for a few minutes if held upright or on his tummy. However, I've been trying this for 3 days now and no luck.

His twin sister is completely different - settles easily, was the smaller twin at birth but is already twice her birth weight and has overtaken him, and if she wasn't like that I would think it was something I was doing wrong. (I know it's not fair to compare him to DD!)

I am finding it absolutely exhausting. I am a single parent and without going into too many details about my ex as this is not what this is about, I am missing male company dreadfully - my postnatal body is awful, and I have begun to wonder if I will ever meet anyone again. I actually weigh 2 lb less than before I was pregnant but my tummy is absolutely covered in stretchmarks and although the puffiness may calm down I don't think they will ever go away, even with all the different creams and potions. I used to have a completely flat stomach and now I can hardly bear to look in the mirror.

My twins were conceived by IVF because of multiple health problems I have, and everyone I know assumes I must constantly be deliriously happy. And I am well aware that I am lucky that the treatment worked and to have two healthy babies, so of course I feel epically guilty to be complaining about the constant crying and the fact I look like a tractor drove over me. And naturally I don't want to make a big deal about feeling fed up because then we will go down the postnatal depression route and I don't know if I am actually postnatally depressed enough to start on tablets and have it recorded on my notes for evermore when it's more a sadness and disappointment about the situation. I had a very tough pregnancy - constantly worried about miscarriage, then I was severely anaemic and fainted after 27 weeks then couldn't stand up for more than 10 minutes, I found it very difficult with the constant attention about how big I was since I am painfully shy and then the delivery was equally awful, 38 hours of contractions strapped to a monitor which didn't work before they rushed me for an emergency caesarean section. I can't help being disappointed about the trauma of the birth, either, but if I say anything to anyone I know, again they will say I am being ungrateful.

And now of course, being twins they get masses of attention in public and I feel guilty not enjoying that too. But the worst is when DS is crying, every other passer by has a suggestion why and the other day this woman actually leant into the buggy and picked him up, saying clearly I couldn't manage so she was going to look after him for a while! The same day someone in a shop came up to me and said crossly, is this your baby? How can you let him cry like that? But there was nothing I could do, because I couldn't push the double buggy, pay and hold him at the same time, and I had been cuddling him for the past 4 hours and still he was crying.

I wanted to have children more than anything in the world, and all I feel is stressed constantly, I don't understand... and I know I will sound spoilt and miserable, but I have to tell someone, I hope someone will understand!

to you. I had a screamer too. It sounds like you're having a really bad time of things. There is a phone support line from cry-sis. Hoping someone knowledgeable will come along - didn't want to leave this unanswered.

Oh gosh, you have a lot on your plate! I totally understand the feeling that it's wrong to complain because you have been blessed with two perfect babies. But you are actually totally entitled to your feelings, even the less romantic ones.

Are you completely alone? Do you have any help at all?

Oh bless you. Totally understand. My ds1 was very very much wanted but his all day screaming nearly finished me off - and I had a dh and didn't have a dt to look after too.

First, check out cranial osteopathy. It looks and sounds like woo but is in fact a very gently head massage and had a magic effect on ds1. Drastic reduction in crying after first session, almost total personality change for him after second and final session.

Yes, talk to cry-sis. And keep on posting on here for advice about coping. I kept on hoping that we would miraculously get the dream back, and that he would turn into a gurgly happy baby. He didn't. He is now a fabulous teenager, and it did get easier the older he got but he remained fairly high maintenance. I needed to buy a hard hat, dms, and get stuck into surviving. Looong walks in the fresh air helped us. Sleeping was also important and will be more so for you. My favourite technique was to go to bed at 7 or 8pm, at least once a week, when he did and get in four good hours before midnight if possible.

Finally, you are still in the very very early days, coping with two little ones on your own, so doing at least 4 times the work that most of us do, and you can still type in full sentences. You are officially, totally, amazing.

Hoping that others will be along with good ideas of their own too.

Big hugs, twins are hard work especially when they scream constantly. Mine are 4 months now and we are working our way through reflux and intolerance meds. Unfortunately It's not a quick process but you will get there. (Thats what I keep telling myself) Apart from the screaming does he have any other symptoms?? I've been back to the Drs today and was given lactose free milk, was then reduced to tears when the twins refused to drink it
Speak to your Hv and see if there are any provisions in your area for people who've had multiples, a few areas still provide people who can come round and help a few hrs a wk, or local college that want home placements for childcare students.
Pm me if you want a chat xx

You sound like you are having a really tough time and I think it's perfectly natural considering your situation to feel the way you do.

So first off well done for not punching the woman who lifted him out of the pram, I totally would have. He is a tiny baby and anyone with half a brain cell would understand small babies can get worked up very quickly.

8 weeks and him likin to be held upright sounds like classic colic to me. My DS had his around then and it was awful. He just really didn't want to lie down or be held. Have you tried infacol before feeds? And do you have a swing? They can work wonders and give you a much needed break. Do you have good friends and family support? If so they will most likely be keen to help and as a single mother with twins you shouldn't feel wrong to ask for it. If not try and get out as much as you can, a long walk with a pram can be a much welcome break.

And obviously mumsnetters are here to help, both advice wise and sometimes in RL if you can meet people near you.

Both my DSs have been like this. It's awful and I hated the 'Oooh is he hungry' comments from passers by. Grrr! I have no idea how you didn't punch the woman who dared to lift YOUR baby out of the pushchair. How bloody rude! I feel for you, I really do. It's torture dealing with a relentless crier.

All can recommend is what others have already said, reflux medication cranial osteopathy, milk intolerance? All can be diagnosed by a paediatrician but please don't be put off by people dismissing you. Keep fighting if you think something is wrong.

I was told for weeks and weeks that DS2 wasjust a 'colicky' baby but it turned out he had a severe milk intolerance and he was screaming endlessly because he was in pain, his gut was being stripped by the milk protein. Poor baby . DS1 we never did find out what the problem was (could have been intolerance too but it was never diagnosed!) but all I can say is that eventually he out grew it. He's 7 now and wonderful! This horrible phase doesn't last forever, it just feels like it at the time. Stay strong. You will get through this.

My DS was like this. Can you put him in a sling? If so try that if you haven't.

MY DS grew out of it at around 16 weeks but was never an easy baby after that.

Keep going to GP though.

Thank you very much for all your lovely messages!

I'm not completely alone, my mum helps when she can but I don't have many friends and none in the area, and she's my only family, really, apart from distant relatives.

I have someone from Homestart coming in a minute so will see what they have to say. I have used the Cry-sis and Tamba helplines just for a listening ear and they have been quite good just for a 5 minute chat.

I must admit, although I knew I was putting back 2 embryos I never thought it would work at all, let alone result in twins. I was never one of those people who thought twins were "cute" - I even had a woman in John Lewis asking me if they are natural and what treatment she could have to have twins, even though she already had children of her own! That was the strangest comment yet! And I feel guilty saying this but if I had known how difficult it was then I would definitely not have risked having twins. But then I ask myself, which twin would I not have had in that case? And then I feel awful all over again. But, for example, I thought perhaps I would go to the nearest big town for a coffee, and then I felt not to bother because I don't think I can stand all the questions and people standing in front of the buggy and commenting on the screaming.

Can I also admit here, I know this sounds really un-maternal and horrible but I actually find his cry really annoying compared to DD :( it sort of goes up and down and has a pitch that I know will only rev up! Oh, I feel really terrible saying this!

I still think colic is the main thing but I also think overstimulation doesn't help - he hates being passed around, having toys jiggled in his face by well-meaning people, and really hated the sensory baby class which he is too young for anyway but the HV suggested it just so I can mix with other people. He has got some milk for cow's milk intolerance that we are trying but he really hates the taste - it does smell a bit yeasty - and spits it out mainly! His poo was better on Aptamil 1 than SMA so I'm still not convinced it's the cow's milk as much as the brand of formula. But now we've started this I'll persevere.

They have twin slings but I don't think I could wear it with all the attention but mainly because I'm only 5 foot 2 and I'm not strong enough to hold them both on my body. I will be getting one sling when they are a bit bigger as they are still too small to fit into them. I was even thinking about putting DS in the sling and having DD in the buggy as she doesn't seem to mind it, as I find it dreadfully unwieldy pushing the double buggy. I bought a bouncy chair that vibrates but he doesn't like that either, although DD will sit in it :(

Finally, re cranial osteopathy, this is interesting as I remember my mum saying when I had colic, a woman she knew kept talking about "cranial massage" and that must have been what she meant. My mum didn't do it because she thought it sounded a bit woo but there must be something in it if it is still going 30 years later! I shall look into it.

The other thing I didn't mention is he has a slight tongue tie - does anyone have experience of this? Would this make him cry more?

People say not to wish the time away, but I can't wait for them to be older and get this stage over with!

You poor thing! My son stopped crying within 24 hours of going onto Neutramigen milk so he clearly had (and still has) a dairy intolerance. I was lucky in that the GP supported me trying it and then gave it on prescription. It does smell awful and their stools can be weird but they usually tolerate. Would your GP support a trial right away.

The tongue tie could be a problem, just because it seems 'slight' doesn't mean it isn't causing him major problems feeding. Both my DC had this too. Can you get this looked into by someone who really knows what they are doing? Lots of people of the NHS unfortunately are not trained to really understand and and fix it. If you are in London there is a brilliant clinic at Kings. I ended up going privately to speed things up (and can recommend someone in Brighton/London if that helps).

I hope things get better.

Go back to GP and say the Gaviscon is not working and ask for something stronger. I think lots of mums on here have been prescribed Domperidone or Ranitidine for their refluxy babies and it has really helped.

Sounds like you're doing a brilliant job in very trying circumstances. Hang in there.

My DS cried a lot as a baby turned out he has a dairy and soya allergy and still struggles with his stomach now age 3 I had to really push and push for the doctors to help me it's so frustrating but keep going and don't take no for an answer!

My DD cried constantly at first.they said reflux, tried Gaviscon..useless. Ended up in hospital as she stopped feeding. They gave us ranitidine. It was not a miracle but she improved greatly with it. She is also IVF and I recall thinking I had to cope because I had wanted a baby and so many people could not have them and I was lucky etc.....it took me ages to accept that I could feel down and fed up! (Am I making sense?)

Gosh you poor thing. These early weeks and months are so hard. They're just such an endurance slog. Never mind with two babies and being a first time mum!

Everything you're feeling about your body and your life is all normal. It's a massive shock to the system - one that no amount of wanting a baby or preparing for a baby can ever truly be understood...until you have a baby. You're not wrong to feel how you do. I wanted a baby for six years, had DS, sobbed for weeks and I remember DH saying (not unkindly) "what did you think it would be like?" Cue me wailing I didn't know!!

Re the colic after everyone's suggestions, if you have an idle moment to google, try looking into baby biotics and colic. Baby biotics saved us from complete insanity. We DS on them from two weeks old and never looked back - he still has them now at two. Probiotics - the proper stuff, not the surgery yoghurts - do amazing things for colicky, reflux babies or autoimmune things like allergies and intolerances. Your poor baby and poor you. Just so you know, you sound fab.

Its horrible isn't it. I had two screamers, PND on both occasions and have since found out my dc are cows milk protein allergic.

Please really should just butt out of it though.

I hope things get better for you quickly OP. I think your thoughts about having your DS in a sling and your DD in a buggy is a good thing to try - easier for you to get about and may help your DS by being upright and close to you. lots of areas have sling libraries that would lend you a sling for a week or so to try (rather than the double one you currently have)

Gosh, I really feel for you. Definitely give cranial osteopathy a try (I can recommend one in South London): it worked wonders of my sister's very screamy baby, who also had mild tongue tie - tho she thinks that it snapped on its own! That can happen, apparently.

I would also try sticking him in the sling and your DD in a single buggy. Use this option as much as you can before he gets too heavy for you.

Even if you're reluctant to go out and mix with people (which I totally understand), I'd recommend just the 3 of you getting out of the house for some fresh air every day - just walk around your town/village/park for half an hour.

This too shall pass. It will get easier, and you're doing an AMAZING job - as a pp said, 4 times the work most of us have to do!

Jusy wanted to say please don't ignore the tongue tie - get it snipped asap. Even a 'slight' tongue tie can subtly affect sucking causing colicy symptoms (as per my dd1). DD1's 1st year was endured rather than enjoyed. But with dd2 I knew what to look for, had the snip straight away.

Ive heard cranial osteopathy is amazing for babies with colic. Also Bowen therapy (though I only have experience of this in pregnancy)

Personally I would pester the dr for a more through examination (as well as seeking the above urgently)

Must be so heartbreaking to hear him cry :(

Poor poor you. I had one 34 weeker who was difficult, and a DH to help, and that was tough. You must be absolutely exhausted.

My thoughts.

1. Do, do, do get the tongue tie snipped. It's a myth that some tongue ties are too "minor" to need treating - the effect of a TT depends on all sorts of other factors, eg mouth shape, mouth size, nipple size etc - a seemingly minor TT can have a major effect. My DD was tongue tied and so much happier when we finally had it done at 16 weeks. Cranial osteopathy can help undo any tension from the TT but you need the snip done first (and you may find the snip makes such a difference you don't need it).

2. You may find the reflux symptoms go if you get the TT treated (TT can cause reflux episodes as TT babies swallow more air and then bring it up with acid later). If the reflux persists however - ask GP for ranitidine, as gaviscon is pretty useless .

3. Do you have any help? Family around? Anyone? If not, could you look into something like home start as I think managing newborn twins on your own with no help - especially if one is difficult and especially if BFing - is a Herculean task.

4. Don't feel guilty at all about the fact you're not enjoying this. It is bloody hard work and it's mostly drudgery and stress, with the odd cute smile to make it vaguely bearable. But others tend to think about the cute smiles and forget the rest. I didn't enjoy the baby stage and I wouldn't be enjoying your position one bit. The fact you're not enjoying it doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed (although don't feel shy about being honest to your GP about how you are finding things) it just means you're not having an enjoyable time at the moment.

5. It gets SO much better. Honestly. 8 weeks was rock bottom for me. 12 weeks much better. 16 weeks (post tongue tie snip) far far better. Uphill all the way since then.

I wish you all the very best.

I also have a sling I could lend if you are nearby OP? I'm in Dulwich, London

Aww I really feel for you. I have a screamer too. Mine is now 12 months and she's getting a bit better. Had reflux, colic you name it! She's very high maintenance even now but things are so much better than the early days.
I hope you can get some help, you deserve it.
And things will get better. Good luck.