ExH hit DS - what now?

[Greenoes]

Hi

I have been separated and subsequently divorced from 10 yr old DS's Dad for 7 years following the discovery of OW (my former friend).

Contact is arranged through court and generally goes ok with minor issues usually involving OW's son who can be challenging at times. DS came home yesterday from overnight contact and confided in me that after a small altercation that had started out as a joke, between DS and OW's son (who are the same age) DS's Dad hit him very hard on his upper arm - enough to make him fall to the ground and leave a mark (now faded).

I'm glad that DS felt able to confide in me as he is aware of my stress levels and doesn't like to add to it. I fully intend to support DS and have asked him what he wants to do. He wants to continue contact with his Dad but worryingly said he would just make sure he wasn't in the same room as his Dad when he visits from now on. He said he has never been hit before and his Dad was very sorry afterwards but that he has witnessed OW's son being hit by him.

My relationship with exH is poor and mostly conducted via texts from me which he generally ignores. Pick-up is from my Mum's house as he has problems with boundaries and used to parade OW outside my house so face to face communication is very minimal.

So, where do I start? A text or phonecall to exH? Saying what? I don't want DS to think that I condone the violence by doing nothing and I have reassured him that he can tell me anything and that he is completely safe with me.

I've considered asking out local PCSO for advice regarding SS - does that sound over the top?

ExH has a job (he is the owner of the company) where he does require CRB checks (as does OW) so I don't want to blaze in without full consideration of what the repercussions might be.

I feel so sad for DS

bump, for the OP

Maybe email XP to inform him that you are aware he hit DS and that if it happens again not only will contact be stopped but you will involve the police. When you're dealing with an XP who is a shit, don't worry about hurting his feelings: be very firm.

I'd call the court tomorrow and ask how you would make arrNgements for supervised contact. If you alert the police, it's very likely that he will plead not guilty and then your DS would have to give evidence, usually by video link. Would he be willing to do that, supported by you? If not, I wouldn't bother phoning the police.

I would phone the nspcc and talk to them about him hitting his DSS. Pretty sure they can help the family out without them naming names

The court order is 4 years old now and the whole process was very traumatic for me. It cost me (well, my Dad who I will never be able to repay) £15,000 to get an appropriate contact order as exH has very poor advice and originally applied for shared residency - which, it turned out, he did want nor could commit to.

He used to have DS 3 full days a week when I was working (14 hour shifts) and if he couldn't have him, then my parents stepped in. Eventually, after many trips back and forth to the court and finding somewhere to live, the Magistrate awarded him alternate Friday nights and 3 hours after school on Wednesdays (far, far less than he originally had when it was arranged by me!) but our relationship was badly damaged as he submitted tomes of wreckless lies about me sleeping with all his friends and being a bad mother for keeping in contact with exH's side of the family.

He claims to have friends in the police who keep an eye on me (my only crime against society has been a speeding ticket for doing 36 in a 30 zone) so I would be very worried about speaking to the police anyway.

DS adores his Dad which I actively encourage - I think little boys need a hero! I can ignore the crap he has sent my way because I knew how important contact was but that is all very tainted now.

Ring the nspcc helpline. They have one for adults to. They offer really good advice and you can talk it though with them.

I've just googled the NSPCC thankyou

Your comment about him having friends in the police who keep an eye on you has really annoyed me. As someone who works for the police I would encourage you to report this because without reason or just cause this is a breach of data protection that is against the law. They should have a professional standards department who investigate things like this. I assure you that this would be taken very seriously. Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. I would definitely make him aware you know what he did and if you ever become aware of another incident you'll report him and cease contact immediately. Does he have any history of violence?

He was more sneaky than nasty when we were together - signing cheques for his staff's wages "Donald Duck" to delay payment. I would receive distraught phone calls from his staff saying they couldn't pay their rent do I would end up paying them out of my wages.

Since we split up, he stepped up from sneaky to pain in the arse but it's just normality now.

No history of violence, in fact he chose to leave home when he was 6 to be brought up by his grandparents because of a violent home. I think he will be mortified about all if this (although he won't admit that to me) and he'll probably be terrified of DS telling me.

I've decided to text him to tell him that I'm going to ring him (he won't answer otherwise) and offer him my support in building bridges with his relationship with our son. Then it's up to him to reassure DS that he is safe when he's there.

I like your decision Op. I'm sorry you're stressed and your ex is a dick but you're both co directors of the job of raising ds and what you've decided is great for him