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Original poster

Help, I've just seen my ds's safari history!

27 replies

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2014 23:27

Ds is 13, a really good child mostly but recently I just had the feeling something wasn't quite right and couldn't put my finger on it.

I picked up his iPod earlier as I'm getting an iPhone next week and wanted to have a play and see how it differed from my Android. Used the safari app and the history was really shocking porn sites, anal sex, blow jobs, the lot. I'm beyond upset and pissed off at myself that I let it happen. I did put security settings on it but I took the password off when he wanted to download an app a while ago and I forgot to put it back on.

Go easy on me please, I'm more than a little shaken but what now? Obviously I've taken it away and reinstated security but this is a huge breech of number one rule 'don't do anything on a phone or screen that you don't want your mum or school to see.'

I want to let him know I'm massively pissed off but not sure how to go about it-first and foremost I want to get across the fact this is not REAL sex, it's play acting in an exploitive industry but is he too young to take that on board yet?

Dh is a bit shruggy and just says he was looking at hard core mags when he was that age. Tbh I think I'd feel better if he'd been looking at a magazine but a video is so explicitSad

Anyone got any words of wisdom and how to go about dealing with this sensibly?

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Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2014 23:29

Particularly ironic as I asked on here at xmas about how to put security on the iPodHmm

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mrscumberbatch · 10/09/2014 23:32

It's totally normal in this day and age and with unrestricted access it's inevitable.

Id have an embarrassing chat about how this is not representative of real sex. Ask him what he thought about it, why he looked it up. (He'll either have been being nosey or will have been egged on by something a friend has said.)

Keep it light, make it clear that you'll be restricting access as he's broken your trust- curiosity about sex is normal. Curiosity about hardcore sex is not so much.

He'll probably be so embarrassed and affronted that he won't be able to look at an iPad for ages Wink

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2014 23:38

Ok, great, that sounds like the way to go. Dh said really the kids now can't get hold of mags so safari will be their first port of call.

I've been really sniffy when others have posted about their kids doing this, I've been appalled. That bit me on the bum, didn't it?Hmm

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WineWineWine · 10/09/2014 23:39

I agree that this is an opportunity for a conversation about what porn is. Just banning it and trying to prevent access to it will not teach him anything. If he wants to get round the security, it's not difficult at all.

ArsenicFaceCream · 10/09/2014 23:51

the history was really shocking porn sites, anal sex, blow jobs, the lot.

It's a big shock for you, but I think those are things are 13 year old boy is going to be curious about, particularly considering what other 13 year olds DO discuss. There are much worse things doing the rounds in schools (sadly).

There was a project around making more realistic images of sex available to teens who had viewed porn. I'll see if I can find the link (not an easy thing to google).

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2014 23:54

Arsenic-oh,I know, and I'm not a prude it's just been years since I've seen porn and realised how much I loathe it. trying to get the fisting images out of my head!

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ElephantsNeverForgive · 10/09/2014 23:58

He's 13, he's going to be curious, i don't want to know what my 13&16 year old DDs google. I'm certainly not going to look.

For better or worse it's the world we live in.

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 00:04

If he was 15/16 I wouldn't be so bothered but he's only just turned 13 which imo is too young to be looking at porn sites. It's like there's no middle ground anymore, it's straight onto porn sites. Blimey, we used to giggle over Judy Blume books!

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ArsenicFaceCream · 11/09/2014 00:05

trying to get the fisting images out of my head!

Have some Wine

ArsenicFaceCream · 11/09/2014 00:10

If he was 15/16 I wouldn't be so bothered but he's only just turned 13 which imo is too young to be looking at porn sites. It's like there's no middle ground anymore, it's straight onto porn sites. Blimey, we used to giggle over Judy Blume books!

Are you going to say that to him?

Do you want to talk to us about Judy Blume instead? There was an informal queue for 'Forever' at school. Only the brave would borrow it from school or public libraries in case their parents found out Grin

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 00:15

No I won't say that to him...

If you shook the copy we had at school of Forever it automatically fell open at the 'important' pages, it was VERY well thumbedGrin

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ArsenicFaceCream · 11/09/2014 00:16

I think if a 13 year old is going to look at porn, he will.

If you voice the opinion that he is too young will just make him think you are out of touch. He'll do it anyway and maybe not feel you are understanding if bigger things crop up.

It does cause a dilemma re security settings though. I decided to tone ours down, just in case.

ArsenicFaceCream · 11/09/2014 00:16
Grin
Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 00:19

I agree,I won't go along the 'too young' route.

Thanks people, feeling less anxious now Smile

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ElephantsNeverForgive · 11/09/2014 00:34

No there is no middle ground, very mainstream TV like QI has jokes that open up worlds I knew nothing about until I was properly grown up, not just 18. I've never seen South Park, but I guess that similar.

Once DCs go to secondary, parental control is very difficult. Gives DD1 a stern look for reading GOT at 13. She's a librarian, I suspect she's read all the 'best bits' in the sixth form section.

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 08:32

Well, had a chat this morning and am REALLY glad I took the softly softly approach, as he was really upset about what he'd seen and got very teary.

I explained that we can see wi fi use (I wouldn't have a clue how to look btwWink ) and some porn sites had come up. He said it was curiosity and some boys at school had told him to google certain words.

So, iPod and phone are confiscated as that broke house rules, but I'm thinking I won't drag that out too long as I think seeing anal fisting was punishment enoughWink

Interestingly I discovered an app which I can download on my phone and it shows wifi history.

Anyway, apart from the fact I wish I'd left it until this evening as I wasn't planning on him being quite so upset, I'm glad with how it went.

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flanjabelle · 11/09/2014 08:44

A friend of mines son looked at things like this at 12 and his dad dealt with it really well.

He told him that it is completely normal to be curious about this sort of thing, but that there are some really nasty things out on the internet that would upset him to see. He told him that what was on there was not real life and that it wasn't the best way to find out about it all.

He said it was fine that he wanted to have a look, but that they needed to talk about it so that he didn't get the wrong idea.

They talked to me about it together. The dad had made it such a non issue that the son was happy to talk about it. He had made it clear that he could always talk to him about anything he saw and he would be happy to answer any questions he might have.

He had also explained that he was going to increase security, but that it wasn't as a punishment, but to protect him from the nastier things that he could come across.

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 08:53

The Dad handled it well.

I'm in a quandary now whether to confiscate his phone/iPod or chalk it up to experience-I don't want to punish him for curiosity.

I've just ordered him a book from Amazon, which is aimed at the older teen which looks good, I'll leave it in his room for him to read.

Urgh, parenting is so bloody hard!Hmm

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Givemecaffeine21 · 11/09/2014 09:05

Oh dear I'm dreading all of this! It must be tough when you find your children are not so ...innocent...anymore. You've done really well Dame and you can't ignore it. It is normal to be sexually curious but unfortunately with media being the way it is this generation is dealing with it being much more in our faces. I love the way flangabelle's friend dealt with it - the ideal way to keep your connection with your child, not guilt them out or make them secretive, and keep things open. We can't stop our children doing certain things, but we can help them to make informed choices.

qumquat · 11/09/2014 16:27

I think the main issue is how this may have upset him, and given him ideas about how he 'should' behave sexually. I'm a secondary school teacher and I disagree that it is just modern life and we have to accept it - it is very damaging, and the pressure to start acting out the pornified sex they've seen is the next step. I think there needs to be lots of discussion about what sex is and is not, consent and enjoyment and protecting yourself from upsetting images and experiences. It's horrible and I want to stop dd from ever getting a smartphone!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 11/09/2014 16:34

Maybe when you return the tech, you could say somethig like "DS, it is totally normal to be curious about all of these things, and with Safari it is easy to find images and videos that will settle you curiosity and you may well fond enjoyable. However there is a LOT out there that may come as a real shock to you. Please please be wary of clicking any pop ups, or anything that shows young girls who may well not be old enough to really agree to being filmed or photographed. Im here if you have any questions"

ihatethecold · 11/09/2014 16:40

What app can you use to see wi fi use?

babyboomersrock · 11/09/2014 16:55

i don't want to know what my 13&16 year old DDs google. I'm certainly not going to look.

For better or worse it's the world we live in.

And you don't think it's the parents' responsibility to guide their 13-year-olds? To help equip them to deal with the world we live in? Seriously?

BuzzardBird · 11/09/2014 17:10

Would also be interested to know what the app is that allows you to see wi-fi history if you don't mind sharing it? I am on Android also.

Original poster
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2014 17:18

Think-yes,I said that this morning. I also agree it's very damaging just to accept porn.

He's still upset and teary and wanted lots of hugs after school. He said he was sorry he let me down,I told him everyone fucks up now and again.

He really liked the idea of the sex ed book, so that'll be arriving tomorrow. I said 'I know you know all the basics but this will act as a reference book in case you need to look something up'

I haven't downloaded the app yet,I came across it while googling last night, I'll find it again...

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