Need some help. Feeling pressured by sons school and health visitor?

[leannedando2014]

pretty long question so I will try and shorten my boys past history

My 3 year old nephew came to live with me a year ago due to his mothers drug abuse. Social Services placed him with me.

He came with some issues as he was never allowed out of his buggy. Freedom that children learn when they start to walk he only learned at the age of 2 with me. Also he was never out of his cot so normal behaviors he learned a lo later. I admit he is a handful. He tantrums like an 18 month old but in a year I have achieved many things with him. He now talks in sentences which he never even said one word before me, sings songs.. normal 3 year old things. Since getting a care order Social Services are out of the picture now as he is completely mine.

Anyway his Health Visitor is a pain since having him she has booked reviews every 3 months and it is all text book talk. Saying I shouldn't ever say the word no... hold his hand and explain. A load of rubbish that is impossible for a child like him. She has referred him to speech and language as she said he is behind which he is but in a year he has come a very long way. Also to a pediatrician for his behavior and hearing to check if that is why his speech is delayed.

I weren't happy with this as he has accomplished so much and thought he would only improve more. Mainly when he starts nursery but I plan on going along with it all just waiting for dates.

He started his first day of nursery yesterday. 2 hours is the morning. I went to pick him up and the head mistress pulled me to the side and said his cousin mentioned hes adopted and asked about his background so I gave her a quick run down. She then said she did think he had a background as he stands out from the other children. He is constantly on the go and has cried all morning and suggested going to the doctor as it could be to do with his passed? She then said she may suggest keeping him out of school until hes a bit older.

This was his first day! He is a July baby so he is a lot younger then his class mates. I found this a bit much considering it is his first day. It is a brand new school so I know at the moment they are trying to be "the best" so unsure if they just find him annoying.

Anyway took him to the doctor today and she said she doesn't seem anything wrong, he seems a normal 3 year old that is adjusting to a huge change and learning things now that he should of done before I had him but said the HV has made a referral so see what happens at the appointments.

I feel as if the school has written him off already and my HV is enjoys dealing with a "bad background child" and she never goes away and always tells me how to parent. I have an 19 month old daughter who is amazing and my nephew has come along way so my parent skills I am pretty happy with!

I am dreading taking him back to nursery tomorrow. I was really looking forward to nursery as I thought this will bring him along more.

Any advice? anyone in the same boat? He really isn't that bad. He just likes to be on his own so if teachers are trying to make him sit there he will cry and it is a new place so he will be on the go. I thought they would at least give it a week not his first day after 2 hours.

I would take the referrals the HV has offered, don't understand why you wouldn't?

He has had a very difficult start in life and that is unlikely to be easy to fix.

Difficult to say if the head teacher is being hasty as we don't know what his behaviour was like.

Please don't consider any of it to be a comment on your parenting though.

No harm in taking the referrals, there might be help there that compliments your parenting and is not intrusive, as you feel the HV is (I am sure she means well and wants to support you, but I can see how you would feel as if you are under a microscope).

Re the preschool provision, I don't think they can choose not to have him until he is older, surely what they should be doing is talking to their inclusion officer and getting a plan in place to help your son settle in to this new place with new people. If he had a diagnosis of special needs (not implying he needs one, but sounds like his background means he is at least a little developmentally delayed) they would need to provide him with a plan to help him get the most out of the setting, not just turn him away. Is there another, more helpful setting you could try?

I am sure you have done a wonderful job so far with him and will continue to, you should be very proud!

"I would take the referrals the HV has offered, don't understand why you wouldn't?"

I have... I have already mentioned I am going along with it. I am waiting for dates.

It just feels as if everyone is writing him off when I think he has come so far and done so well in just a year.

Thank you strawberryshoes.

It may sound as if I am having a stab at people that are trying to help. Just a bit stressed out as I have felt proud of him but others have written him off because he has a past.

There are other schools I may have to put him in if this doesn't pan out as another parent told me they tried making her child leave that had problems but the mum fought and kept her in. So I think the school just doesn't want any "problems".

I do plan on going to these appointments because he may have something wrong with him such as ADHD or something. I just feel like once hes labeled he will completely written off by the school and the HV will be more on my case and change it to monthly meetings!

I think that you have done an amazing thing by taking on your nephew.

You clearly love and cherish him, which is exactly what he needs. The progress he has made in a year is wonderful. But he is still a little boy who has had a rocky start, so it is quite likely that his development will appear different to professionals who are used to seeing lots of children of all ages.

It is good that your HV is keen to seek referrals. As you say, he has made a lot of progress but if his speech and language is not that of other children, then support can only be a good thing. The same with the head teacher, go in and ask for a meeting, then work out a plan for how you can support him to go to nursery.

None of this is about criticising your parenting, but about trying to get him the support that he needs.

Also, remember that the nursery is seeing him for the first time - so what they need most of all is information from you about his needs, his background, his likes, dislikes, everything....

It sounds as if you have done a wonderful job of being a mum to this little lad, for him to come so far in the past year is all thanks to you.

Please don't feel that he will be labelled and written off. If there is any issues, see the "labelling" as a key to getting any help and support that you can for him. You will then get extra input at nursery and can celebrate all his achievements as he progresses

We adopted a girl at 3 years old from a Russian orphanage. She had received no stimulation for the first 3 years in her life and had lots of catching up to do as well as living with the huge adjustment. For many years there were massive gaps in her every day knowledge, just things that generally babies and toddlers learn as they go along, but if they have been denied this experience there will be gaps for a long time. It is no reflection on how you are doing, it is their bad start in life that has caused the problems.

Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help. What you are doing is amazing and he is very blessed to have you in his life for him.

Did he have any settling in visits at nursery? If not maybe they could support you with a phased entry so he starts with a short visit and gradually stays longer? There should be an inclusion team who might be able to help at the school.

Don't waste your time and much needed energy battling with this nursery. He needs to be somewhere whee he will be loved and nurtured.

But you need to do your research this time. If you do move him it'll be important to talk to the nursery about his background before you commit to him attending. Tell them that you're really proud of what he's achieved so far and you want it to continue so he'll need lots of nurturing from them. But be honest about his past before he was with you. The way they respond to this and the feeling you get from that will help you to know if its the right nursery for him.

You sound like you're doing a great job. Don't take everything that's happening as an attack against you. Remember what life was like for him before you took him on, of course he's still going to have a way to go. But now he's got you to help him get there .

I am surprised that the nursery didn't already know about his background. Were there no discussions before he went?

It does sound like they are being arsey and not want the trouble. But also if you want the best for dN, you need to be upfront about his issues to the people who will be looking after him. It's not about labelling him and writing him off, it's so that they can adapt what they do for him in order for him to make the best progress.

When he starts school, you need to make sure school know the situation as his status will attract significant extra funding which the school has to use to support him.

I suggest you also post this in the adoption forum and on Adoption UK as you will get a different slant from people who have direct experience.

p.s. my experience is similar to yours so
a) I can sympathise,
b) suggest you take the specialist support and
c) suggest that you have a proper meeting with the nursery (key worker, room leader, senco, manager etc). We had two meetings, both lasting well over an hour, about our adopted son's needs before he even stepped foot through the door. Be proactive with nursery and tell them what they need to know to meet his needs. They should not be in the dark.

p.p.s. please PM me if you want to chat further. I know how trying this all can be.