Am I letting my son down or myself...?

[hettyblue]

I think I have to stop MN'ing as it is helping me not to force myself into socialising in my new area.

To explain I moved house and town with my DH and DS (now 25m)when I was 8 months preg - 6 months ago. Before then I had a full social circle of mums with children same age as DS (and 5 of us fell preg with no 2 within 6m of each other) - and went to playgroups and music class etc.

Now I go to a crappy park most days and Tesco's I know no one and feel I am really letting DS down. Iniially I had an excuse preg was complicated in later stages but all went ok and managed homebirth in the end so now have 5m dd. When dd was tiny it was difficult to summon energy to find groups to go to and loads of stuff to do in new house and so on... but time has crept on and we are in a routine or should I say rut.

My lively sociable toddler screams with xcitement going to the swings but I dread having to interact with other mums as I feel really uncomfortable and self-conscious and I am not sure why. Myfamily just say that I am really sociable have lots of friends, so I should find it easy but I have never felt at such a disadvantage I feel comfortable when everyone is in the same boat i.e. ante-natal class where I met my mum friends 1st time round. But now I feel at a total disadvantage and there is nothing attractive about someone who is needy - someone please kick my arse and remind me of my responsibilities. Tbh though I think I have forgotton how to talk to people and MN helps me pretend that I don't just talk to cashiers during the day... sorry this is so long winded.

no you are not leting your son down.it's not easy.
why don't you contact your local nct and find out about bumps and babes coffees? everyone will have a little one or be preg and it will be a small group so a bit easier.

Are there any MN meet ups in your area?

I did enquire about NCT group but the woman I spoke to started asking how big my ds was and if he was boisterous (he is v big for his age and excitable like a puppy) saying that many of the bumps to babes mums were 1st timers with newborns so get worried about toddler lumbering about near their precious lo's (which I can sympatise with) - that kinda put me off (another excuse really)

Idon't know about MN meet ups but I can't drive live in a tiny place and the public transport is a bit inaccessible at the mo with my 2 the age they are its tricky - that will improve with time.

I don't think you're letting your son down but maybe you would be happy if you had more interaction with other mums.

Sorry, that should be happier. What about an NCT group for mums with older children. When my dd was a baby I went to one and she was the youngest child there, most of them were about 2 or 3. Or what about a playgroup, where your son would be able to have interaction with other children or even something like Tumbletots. Obviously depends what's on in your area, though.

Thanks BW I know there are groups in the area I sent off for a list from council but I think my main problem is motivation and forcing myself to make that first contact - I have had stilted conversations with mums at the plyground but seem to forget all the social skills I have ever had - honestly I should learn from DS he just plonks himself in front of people until they talk to him - it will be such a shame when he learns to be self-conscious

hi,just thought you might like to know there are other mums who feel like you do. I have agraphobia and during the week me and my 16 month old son don't leave the house unless someone can come with me. I feel very guilty that I am depriving him of going to groups, however I feel that as long as you are playing with your child (and it sounds like you are) he will be happy. It sounds like you're doing a great job. I admire anyone who can join new groups without knowing anyone as I find it impossible to go even if I do know someone.

hettyblue - many of us have been in the same situation, I gave up work when my first dd was over a year old and I knew no one as I did not attend any antenatal classes or anything. Parks are hard places to make friends, so in the end I went to every single children's class, volunteered at playsessions and gradually made friends in the local area. So don't give up and don't be hard on yourself. Your son will be fine, let him run amuck at a regular playsession, he'll jump on some other boys who will think he is funny and their mums will want you round for a play date in no time!

take care x

Thank you TuTu sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in difficult circumastances - I think in the short term DS is fine really but I worry about me turning into my mother who suffers from depression and never had any friends when I was growing up. I am amazed my sis and bro's and i are as sociable as we are

mum did a very good job parenting but sublimated her own needs entirely which wasn't healthy for her - I want to be the best example I can be for my children but maybe I am worrying to much.

I think we all worry too much about becoming like our parents, and our children getting our neurosis. The one thing I 've learnt over the years is that you have bad patches that pass. Give it a bit longer and I'm sure you'll feel confident enough to go to groups in your area.

definitely worrying too much, young children live for the moment, if you keep them smiling they won't care how many people are around them! They only notice when they notice we notice!!!!!!!

tutu - have you sought help? hope you do not mind me asking.

thanks for asking. I have had help before but nothing for the last 3 years. Was doing ok before I got pregnant, had a job could go to certain places on my own but had hyperemesis when pregnant so didn't go out as I was too ill and once my son was born I'd have a panic attack everytime I went out. My area is rubbish for help with mental health problems. There is always a long waiting list for therapy and as I'm not suicidal and I not considered to be needy enough, so I've just given up asking my GP for help, and we can't afford for me to get any private treatment.

I would agree with those who say try not to worry too much about this aspect. And I think tutu is right to say that people have good and bad patches - neither of these last forever. You will soon be looking back and wondering why you were so worried.

Don't expect too much from yourself. Why do you feel at a disadvantage?

TuTu I really feel for you - my MIL suffered from agoraphobia for years and all the docs did was to dose her with tranqs - my mum only got a little help too late - when she took an overdose - but MIL is now very successfully running her own business and is enjoying her life despite having MS - there is hope. The postcode lottery deciding what NHS help is available - doesn't equate to a 'National' service imo - are there any support groups local or national that could help?

Saadia - I feel at a disadvantage because I am not used to being so in need of friendship - I have always been in control of my life friendships and at the moment I feel it will be up to the whim of a group of mum's as to whether or not I have a successful social life in this town. I know it is up to me to talk to people etc. but they all might hate me and I might not have any thing in common with them except that we had babies - i don't think i am explainiing myself v well - sorry...

I think in this kind of situation it's really easy to give theoretical advice. I do know what you mean now though.

I remember when ds1 started playgroup I thought I would be able to make friends there but it turned out that all of the other mothers (except one) were quite unfriendly (keeping their heads down, ignoring you if they saw you in the street) and I was very disappointed. I decided for this, and other more compelling reasons, not to send ds to the school where all their kids were going.

I have made a few good friends now at the school where ds goes. You are right, there is an element of chance and luck. And luckily the mums at ds's school are very friendly and nice. But if they hadn't been there's nothing anyone could do about it.

You can't control whether other people are nice/friendly. If they want to be friends that's great, if not then don't take it personally. All you can do is try. Go to a few groups, suggest meeting at the park etc if your ds is getting along with another child. Just take it slowly.

I really feel for you hettyblue - this is such a difficult time to move areas i.e. after ante-natal groups but before nursery starts.

How about trying the following:

Place an ad on Netmums looking to meet up and also on MN - if you live in a tiny place, you may not get any replies but you may be surprised - there's lots of lurkers

Put an ad in your local GP surgery/newsagent.

Trying every M&T group in the area AT LEAST TWICE.

There will be people out there in the same boat as you - it's just a case of trying to find them. At least with the first two, you know that they will want to talk to you and meet up which takes a lot of the worry away.

Good luck

tutu - Please don't give up, keep bugging your GP, you have as much right as anyone else to get the help you need. can he recommend any groups for you to join or even a good helpline?

hetty - a lot of people are naturally shy and find it really hard even to look up. I know one lady who I found really off when I first met her and I have to say I was also a little afraid of her! With time we seemed to see more of each other and then one day boom we just started to get on and now I really like her!!! She admits that she finds it really hard to be social with strangers! It is hard, I remember actually starting a very similar thread to yours two years ago. It does get better but it does take time, so like others say, don't take knock backs too personally. I used to just enjoy leaving the house regardless of whether I met anyone or not!

Thank you for the advice and supportive comments - I really am my own worst enemy as I know exactly what I should be doing - going to baby groups etc. but I manage to find excuses not to on a daily basis - and I did have a nightmare exp at the baby clinic when dd was a month or so and took her to get weighed - which has also put me off. I had high hopes of chatting to other mums while there and finding out where to go etc. - but I found that I had to leave doublebuggy outside building totally unprepared for that so I went in with baby in arms and toddler running about like a maniac he had just fallen asleep (often has his nap in buggy) but I had to wake him to go in. He was therefore in a terrible mood impossible to control while I was also trying to change dd and get her weighed and talk to HV. I left change bag in the buggy so had no nappy for dd so she wee'd and poo'd on me while I chased ds round the room stopping him from mowing down crawling babies with a baby walker - Iwant to laugh thinking about it now but at the time i was mortified.

So I can't help thinking at these baby groups I will too busy parenting to have time to chat iyswim