Barely a day goes by I don't wish I could turn back time

[BigBird8784]

My DD is 2, shes healthy, relatively happy I think, clever but if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't be a mother. I had PND and I'm pretty sure that's why, although I love her and I'd kill for her, there's just not the bond I feel there should be. Barely a day goes by where I don't wish I had my old life back. It wasn't too hectic but I could have a full nights sleep, I could come and go as I pleased, I could have a cup of tea in peace. She is a bit of a handful. She has a bad temper, won't sleep properly and is just generally hard work but of course is an angel in front of everyone else. After 18 months of being a SAHM I went back to work before I broke completely. DP is home with her now and he's normally easy going but she's even pushing him to the brink. I have a friend who keeps saying it'll get easier but I find it hard to believe. I'm pretty sure the decision to become a parent is the poorest one I've made, for all of us. It's terrible feeling like this but it's the truth. Sometimes made worse by the fact that I have a close friend who has made the decision to not have kids and who I grow more jealous of every day. If I could go and get my tubes tied in the morning I would. The worse thing is, we had 3 miscarriages before our DD. She was so badly wanted. It makes me so sad to feel this way but I can't help it

Oh honey. :(

It can be such hard work, can't it? I remember feeling like this, and I had always desperately wanted children. I'd even worked with them for a long time beforehand. But nothing can prepare you for the shock of having them there, so needy all the time!

It really will get better, though. Could she go to nursery sometimes, get a bit of socialization and you could have a break? Do you and your husband ever do things, just you?

Maybe you could talk to someone and sort out your feelings. Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you :)

It might help, too, not to dwell on turning back time, because...well, you can't. :)

Maybe it would help to concentrate on the things you do like about being a mother. Or maybe set up some things you could do with DD to look forward to, small outings or things like that?

I had a friend who loathed the baby and toddler stage, but now that her girls are 10 and 8, she loves being a parent. She says shed have more if they could come to her as 9 year olds. :) She just found the younger stages really demanding, but loves this age now that they're good company, more independent, etc.

Hardest job in the world isn't it - wish I could say something to make you feel better. Didn't want to read & run - lots of people here to support you. Could you arrange some regular childcare maybe 1 night a week so you and your husband can go out together and have some alone time - being a parent is so all consuming. Any parent that tells you they don't need time for themselves isn't being truthful so take some time if you can.x

That age is the hardest. I used to always have to be out with her, keeping her entertained.

And then she turned four and now I miss her when she's at school. Four she became less demanding, better company.

You really are still in the eye of the storm! Toddlers are exhausting but 3/4 year olds can listen to reason and occupy themselves to some extent. 18 months as a SAHP is tiring, I went back at 7 months and after a while managed to get into a rhythm of enjoying both parts of my life.
However, although I found the toddler stage hard I don't think I remember feeling quite as low as you are now. Might be worth mentioning to your GP - it could be medical and perfectly curable.

DH felt like you OP to the point of breakdown and tears. He couldn't bond with DD's when they were toddlers at all and it made him question himself greatly.

DD's are 8 and 5 now and his closeness with them astounds and warms us both. He is so devoted and hands on and a bit of a tyrant with homework and keeping bedrooms tidy

Toddler stages are both frustrating and exhausting - we don't all love that stage at all, BUT IT DOES PASS. I cannot count how many times I've wanted a night to myself, to do what I want (read, PJ's, just not be under the " Muuuuu-uuumm" thumb) but we all feel like that at times. Last weekend though, my parents offered to have them overnight but I declined because I didn't want to have an empty home.

This phase isn't here forever - things will improve.

Agree that 2 is a very hard age. I also think that staying at home with a very demanding child can push anyone to the limit. If you did 18 months, you're probably still recovering from that plus the PND - agree on seeing someone about that. My local children's centre had support groups.
I would strongly recommend putting your DD in nursery - many lively children thrive in a group - and then both you and your DP will come to it fresher at the weekends. It will get better, I really believe you're at a very difficult phase.

I can relate to much of what you said OP

Romanticising about your old life is not good to do. You would still be working, you wouldn't have had 18 months off and you wouldn't feel how protective you feel about her right now would you?

I also think like you in terms of coming and going as I please and not having to think about other people. We've only had one dc and I have no plans to have more as I genuinely couldn't imagine being even more selfless with my time and energy for other people I'm selfish I know

What do you want to feel like? Or are you comfortable feeling this way but feel it isn't "normal"?

Like I say, I relate to a lot of what you said and whilst I've not seen a huge change as dd has got older (she's 3 now) there has been a slow incremental change which has made things easier. I loved newborns and babies and despised the toddler stage, yet everyone I met loved the toddler stage and constantly made me feel like I wasn't normal for disliking it.

Go easy on yourself, I'm sitting in bed MNing because dd understood that she needed to go back to her room until her sun had come up (gro clock) which 12 months ago would have been a full on tantrum, now she understands "mummy needs a lie in on Sundays!"

You ladies are fantastic. Thank you all so much we are hoping to put her into crèche in a few weeks. It's difficult because of where we live and my work hours. Transport is a nightmare. But hopefully we have that sorted. My thinking is if she's gone all day playing and what not, we will all benefit and she might actually start sleeping. I know j have to stop wishing the time back, it's a pointless exercise. It's just so hard though when I feel I've made a mistake. I really, really hope it does get better and it makes me feel alot better when I hear other parents say they felt like this and now get on so well with their older kids

Being a parent is ridiculously overwhelming and has a huge responsibility. You get told this pre-children but I don't think anything can prepare you. I had children and babies all around me before I had my own so I felt prepared but it still hits you like a bolt of lightening, that this little person, needs you for next however many years

Have you tried her in her own bed rather than a cot? We found dd slept loads better in a "big" bed and did this at 18 months (when someone recommended it, I thought she was too young but actually she slept through on the second night!)

Hope you feel better soon.

No advice, only sympathy, OP. My son is two, and it is hard, and my career has taken a hit, although I also used my leave to do something I wouldn't otherwise have had the courage to do.

Is your daughter still napping in the daytime? My son was taking an average of an hour and a half to two hours to fall asleep at night (with one of us lying beside him) and we were both on the brink, until (unintentionally, while on holiday) we dropped his nap. It had never occurred to us, because he did really seem to need it still, but from the first day, he began falling asleep within five or ten minutes, and suddenly we had our evenings back. Admittedly, he gets very tired still mid to late afternoon - he has an hour or so of quiet time with a book or cartons - but it's worth it on balance, and has transformed nights...