is my behaviour strange or is anyone else like this

[bubbly1973]

i have 2 boys, my youngest is 14weeks and yet again i find myself worrying over the fact that i want to be the first to see him do things

i thought after my first child this obsessive behaviour would have gone but it hasnt

i wont let my inlaws look after him incase they give him his first taste of food, (fully breastfed at moment but coming up to food stage)
or his first taste in chocolate or some other sweet food that somehow they insist they should try because they 'want it'

i remember when ds1 was 6mths old and we were over there at xmas, my fil really wound me up because even though he knows how i feel about it he told me he let him have some chocolate to taste and he loved it (i later found out he was winding me up but thats not the point, it didnt help me having a crap xmas night)

i know i should feel like this but cant help it, until i have done all his first's i dont want them to have him because they will do as they like anyway even if i say no

they are not really the problem, perhaps its me, when ds2 first came home from hospital, he was in his car seat when neighbour knocked the door to visit, i had to quickly take ds2 out of carseat so as i was the 'first' to hold him in my arms in my house

i had to be the first person he laughed at (although i am not too bothered if he laughed at dh or ds1 but it cant be anyone else)

i am the first person to give him gripewater/calpol etc so i can see his little face

please either tell me im not the only one like this or tell me that you also do similiar

i can understand many mothers want to see there childs first step etc etc but i seem to have gone to the extreme and its something i just cant let go, its like an obsession

Well I'm a bit like this too so much so that I became a SAHM as I couldn't bear anyone to feed/change/play with DD1.

The last time my mum looked after DD1 (year and a half ago) she gave her salty porridge and lucozade, thats what I know about, I know for a fact if she looked after DD2 she would be stuffing chocolate at her the minute I was out the door, not that she would ever offer to look after them.

I can understand this kind of thing with the first child but by the second I was a lot more relaxed and less bothered.

I always knew that if I had kids I would want to be the main care-giver, but it doesn't bother me if other people see or do things first.

With ds1 I was very over-protective and felt I had to do everything but now that I have ds2 I think it's healthy for babies and children to have closeness with members of the extended family as well.

The more children I have the less bothered I am. have more children

Sorry dont understand it

It does sound a little bit obsessional - I think you know that otherwise you wouldn't be voicing a concern about it.

Are you 'obsessional' (sorry, it sounds like such a loaded word) about anything else?

Like hmc I think it is obsessional, especially as it is happening with your second child. When you stop your inlaws looking after you ds so you don;t miss anything I think things have gone too far IMO. But I don;t think I am telling you anything tat you don;t know.

I can understand some of the things to an extent, like first taste of solids, first to hold in home etc....

But then I wasn't the first to even see/feed/change/hold/comfort/bath my baby as I was under GA and out of it for 12 hours post birth. I was kept sedated to an extent as I had had pre-eclampsia and my bp wouldn't fall.

I held her for 10 minutes, 14 hours after she was born and this was the only time I saw her until she was bought down to the ward I was on. (I had her weds night, first met thursday after lunch, then didn't see her again until after lunch on Friday, she was in scbu all the other time). My dh & friend saw her before I did.

But I can say that this has paled into insignificance (sp) as I am now the one who does most stuff with her, see all of her firsts...I get to see her grow up, so not having been the first to change a nappy is kinda not important anymore....

Guess what I am trying to say is that you will be the most important person in your childs life, so a small thing like holding her 1st in your home isn't really a big deal, is it?

As you ds's get older and more and more active, they will be doing so many 'firsts' that I don't think you will ever keep up!... for instance First visit to ToysRus toy shop, first time ds finds a hotwheels toy car display, first time he nags you for a hotwheels car, first time you tell him off in a toy shop, first time a ds topples over a hotwheels car display, first tantrum in ToysRus when you refuse to buy toy car etc etc...

I do think that yes, your behaviour could be obsessive and over-possessive. It might just be because your children are so new and little, but if you are still feeling like this when they are active toddlers, you will be totally exhausted!

Can you sit down and write a list of the really important firsts and the less important firsts - that might help you get perspective on this.

Also, ask yourself why you feel this need to be in control of all the firsts? I don't know your background, but are you making up for some instablity and insecurity you suffered as a child or adult?

sorry bubbly1973 it sounds completely nuts to me.
if you dont see the first taste of calpol jeez. you know its an obsession. back off a bit or you will be raising mummies boys

Hmmmm ... I was pretty anal about stuff when DS was a baby but I wasn't like this ... can't quite see the calpol thing or the hold the baby first in your own house thing either for that matter.
As tigermoth says, if you won't let your in laws look after him until he has reached all his 'firsts' then they will never look after him because there are sooooo many firsts ... I wonder if you need to seek some help here? I mean, when he has his first wobbly tooth will you not send him to school in case it comes out there and not at home?

I can understand the 'big' firsts .... I had to go back to work when DS was 4 months and I (in my PND haze) begged the nursery NOT to tell me if he crawled or walked there before he did it at home ... they just nodded gently (clearly I wasn't the first mum to make this request ) and by the time he did crawl I have absolutely NO idea whether he did it at home first because by then I wasn't as neurotic about it. Mind you, I did find out he was eating chopped up food there for months while I was still giving him mashed and pureed stuff - they didn't have the heart to tell me

i missed dds first steps, my mum was babysitting and she phoned me crying, i wondered what the hell had happened, was glad in a way it was only first steps, from my mums reaction i thought the dogs had eaten her or something, she also said her first hello to my cousin, waved for the first time to my uncle, was given solids for the first time by my young cousin, bah i missed everything!

thanks for all your honest opinions, by writing down and revealing all i hope i can make sense of everything and by listening to what other mothers think, i hope to learn from it

tigermoth, i know what your saying about the list of most important things,

it seems the most things that concern me are as follows.

first taste of food other than milk (which is why i wanted to see his face when he would have calpol or gripewater because thats the first taste before solids are given) so i want to his face and expression when he realises its not milk

same with chocolate...after drinking plain old milk all his little life, i want to see his facial expression when he has his first taste of such tasty delight same goes with icecream

the joke is, when ds had his first taste of something other than food it wasnt a mind blowing thing to remember so i dont get it why this is so important to me to be the first to see this happen

i am happy for inlaws to look after him once i have done that, they arent missing out really because i go there quite often and they can cuddle till there hearts content,

i dont leave him there because im the only one who can feed him due to breastfeeding but if im honest i am worried they will decide to give him the above once he gets to that age where he has solids

the other thing that i want to see first are his first steps

the carrying him before anyone else did in my own home wasnt even an issue until it happened, then it became one, its as if these thoughts come into my head randomly and then i think 'oh i want to do it first'

basically after that i can let go, things like his first tooth falling out etc etc dont bother me,

however my brother got tickets for ds1 and him to go to the circus, i did think to myself that i wanted to do that with him, but thats as far as it went, i didnt stop him from going just cos i wanted to take him, as it turns out though ds1 fell asleep in the middle of it!!

so i know im not that bad once i have gotten over the stages i mention above, i quite happily let ds1 get on with life with or without me like when he goes on holidays with inlaws and if they do activities that i havent done with him, it doesnt bother me

handlemecarefully no i dont seem to be obsessed about anything else in life and never have been

tigermoth, i did try to look at my past to see why im like this, i dont know, i was controlled a lot by my brother, he bossed me about and told me what to do, and i was scared of him, but i dont treat my children like this but whether thats made me this way i dont know, i cant see a link there

i wish i could be more relaxed, i hope i will be after reading these posts, i wish i knew why i am the way i am, when i asked the hv the first time i had ds1, she asked me if i had postnatal depression, but i didnt and she never offered anymore advice

cant believe im the only abnormal mother here

still, i do become a 'normal' mother once i have done the above firsts, i just wish i didnt make such an issue out of it in the first place then i wouldnt be sitting here worrying about missing out on them

custardo, god yes im nuts, as i read this post i can see that,

ds2 was given his first solids by ds1

snap colditz, dds first solids was a bit of marshmellow! think she was almost 4 months, given to her by my 8 year old cousin, when i told him she was too young and could choke ect, he said oh sorry, she was looking at it so thought she must have fancied a bit

I can understand this Bubbly although for me it wasn't just about "firsts", I just didn't particularly like anyone other than dh or my mum doing stuff for dd or holding her. Don't know why but just felt extremely possesive and uneasy if anyone, even those I trust, had her. Now she is 15 months I don't really feel this way, although I don't like to leave her with anyone ( but thats probably as we have no family over here and few close firends). I'm pg with #2 now and I'm sure I will be the same, if I have the time! Thats one reason I love breastfeeding as its always an excuse to grab her back!

Should add that was why I loved breastfeeding, don't think dd would appreciate being grabbed and forced to the breast theses days!

Bubbly, I am a bit obsessional about certain things like you...and I have 2 boys, youngest is 6mths. It always centres around my MIL to be honest, but we are both fighting to be "Top Dog" with the DS's and DH so it's not hard to see where that comes from.
Wierdly 1973 is my year of birth too...

er, the first in your house and calpol thing are taking things a tad too far. I would imagine (I only have one) that because this is your second that some of the other things are pushing it as well.

I must be even weirder than bubbly1973 because I'm not bothered at all about being the first/only to see my child do any of their firsts. Just the fact that they've achieved it makes me happy.

flack thats a good way of thinking about it...will try to follow your example

dd2's first taste of solids was a bit of ham given to her at 11 weeks by ds2(then 2.5).she had no trouble eating it,either!
i was a bit possesive of ds1 at first,especially when it came to my xp's family and friends.looking back,though,i wasnt being over-protective,it was genuine motherly instict kicking in as they were all total freaks

When I first read your post bubbly I wondered if you had a controlling family and wasn't surprised to read about your brother. You are just worried others will take over things that are important to you and not as much to them. I don't think its mad, natural response more like. As your confidence grows you'll loosen up I reckon.

I have a friend a bit like you bubbly and she is just getting some help (ADs, counselling) for her problems. They did become major problems for her as she found it so terribly hard to let go when it was time for her dd to go to nursery. For her it is a problem with any kind of separation which stems from her own childhood. She is a lovely person and a very caring and dedicated mother. I am sorry you are having these difficulties and wondering if talking to someone professional might avoid you having such miserable moments in the future (your inlaws sound ruddy awful, btw)