Partner's help is not helping!

[Hasle157]

My partner is a fantastic, very hands on Father, however he's becoming a bit too much! I had a baby 3 weeks ago and he's extremely helpful (I feel guilty for criticising him) and he's taken a few weeks annual leave to be with me and the baby, which should be great, but it's not. Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to him going back to work!
I'm a first time mum and I'm not very confident at how I'm doing at the moment, which I'm sure many other mums can empathise with! And he is also trying his best.

The problem is that he questions everything I do with the baby and I'm having to explain and justify everything I'm doing, even as to why I'm feeding her at a particular time or waking her up to feed her, why I'm sterilising the bottles again etc etc. I even tried to switch to breast feeding to get him to butt out, but to no avail!

Trusting my maternal instincts? I cant work them out because I just have no confidence in what I'm doing, thinking or feeling because he will question me and find an issue with it. Its even got to a point where I keep handing her over to him when shes crying because he seems to know ao much better than I do!

I know some women will tell me to take control, but I'm so uncertain of myself, I just cant. Ive asked him to sleep in the spare room so that I dont have to rely in him during the night to help me but he wont.
Ive tried implementing a loose routine to get her to sleep in the evenings but he railroads that too and over stimulates her when Im trying to get her off to sleep. He's also had his family at the house until really late at night and let them put her to bed, which I wasnt happy about! But everytime I say something he makes me feel guilty by saying 'Im just trying my best to help.'

In a lot of ways, hes brilliant, but its as if hes so good that Im doubting myself. I feel like I bond better with her when he's out of the house and not interferring, although of course I do really appreciate his help at times too.

He's also extremely untidy and is leaving stuff lying around all over the place even when hes trying to help! He does the washing and ends up leaving it on the side mounting up instead of putting it away ( he thinks hes helping me) and then I end up handing over the baby to tidy up HIS mess! Grrr.

Any thoughts? I'm ready to smack him to be honest!

I think you need to deal with baby. Great he wants to help but it is stressing you so maybe write him a list of jobs you need doing such as washing and folding and putting away. He will be out if your hair then

I think you need to tell him quite clearly that his job is to support you and not to make you unhappy. You are still settling into being a mother, and the hormonal and physical changes that brings.

He also needs to be told that you both need to act as a team, with the same goals. He really mustn't override your wishes and your routine with the baby. He must also respect your wishes about who visits and how long they stay.

I would sit down with him (preferably when the baby is asleep) and explain about you needing to be a team with the same goals. Agree what you are going to do with the baby and your routine. Also insist that he stops questioning you about what you're doing all the time as it is undermining. It isn't good for you and your very young baby to have other people around getting involved in bedtime and the like. There's plenty of time for relatives to get to know the baby, on your terms when you are happy to.

If he really won't listen, could you maybe go and stay with your family for a couple of days to make the point that you won't put up with him ignoring your wishes?

Omg I could have written this post 6 months ago. I look back now and laugh but it was very stressful at the time.....he thought he was Mary Poppins, leaving me feeling unconfident.

And he would cook the evening meal but leave so much mess and washing up I was fuming.

In the end I went and stayed with my mum for a week and now I wish I'd done it sooner and for longer!

I could probably liken him to Mary Poppins to be honest, just without the ability to keep everywhere tidy! Unfortunately, staying with family isnt an option for me as my parents smoke in the house, although there's no reason why he couldnt go and stay with his parents for a few days. I want him to know that Im grateful for him and his help in some ways, but not in others so its difficult to know how to broach it.
I keep snapping at him and he then walks away head down like a sad little boy who's had a telling off, making me feel guilty and unreasonable.
How did things change for you after your week away dontforgetyourbrolly? What's he like now and did his mary poppins antics affect your relationship with your baby? Xx

Hi Hasle
I think it only helped in so much as he went back to work ! Sometimes he works from home now and it winds me up . My ds is teething now and my dp thinks he knows everything about that. On a serious note it did interfere with my bonding because I wasn't very confident to start off with but now it's fine.

But what is helpful is he'll give me a break by taking my ds out for hours and I know he's taking good care of him. I can get some me time, get my nails done , have a nap, read a mag or whatever. Some dads don't have a clue and are terrified of babies so I am lucky there. It's quite sweet actually , he will take him anywhere they are good buddies.

With regards to the tidying up etc I found this works , I give him a choice. Right washing up or changing the nappy ?! That way everything gets done , housework and child care . It's quite sad I have to treat my dp like a toddler but I think it works with men. Like sleepy said, I give him lists lol

He still overstimulates ds at bedtime so I just go upstairs and exclude him from the routine. When he has family over late at night just disappear to the bedroom with the baby, they'll soon get the message.

Remember, you're the boss !

By the way I promise you that 6 months down the line when your baby is still not sleeping through the night you'll thank The Lord you have help with the night feeds :-)

I do thank the lord quite often during the night time! But at the same time, wonder if I'd cope without him doing so much. He's back to work next week and I worry I've become too reliant in him through lack of confidence in my own ability. I like the giving him choices approach, I'll try and see how it goes. He's been great today in all fairness, I feel bad for complaining about him now! In many ways I'm very lucky, hopefully when he goes back to work he'll be keeping himself occupied and stop meddling! Good luck with the teething by the way x