relationship with children

[suzjo]

My twin boys are one and a half years old. I work full time and my H travels constantly. I find the boys are closer to their carer than to me, although I play with them and talk to them. Any suggestions as to what I can do to improve my relationship with them?

Spend more time with them?

That seems very sad! My partner looks after the kids two days a week and nursery the other three days and I've never had this problem. You probably already do all of this but....so far I've made sure that I'm the one who gets up in the morning and do all the first thing chats and looking after. Then making sure I'm home at 6pm to do the whole end of day chat, bath, story time, cuddles...quite a lot of wrestling and laughing. Then at the weekend I'm with then full-time. My only time to myself is when they are asleep but I love every minute.

I also makes sure I look after them on days when they are poorly and we do Mummy type stuff like cooking, painting, dancing and singing. I also spend lots of time doing sports stuff with them because that's my sons favourite pastime.

Not sure this helps.

So sad you feel this.

Agree with robin3. Also try doing things at the weekend (when you are not working?) that they will only do with you - good memory stuff like petting zoos - that you can talk with them about for days after (though at their age the talking is probably mostly from your end).

I know it's hard, but could you try thinking how lucky you are that you have such great childcare...? sending you a hug (I also work fulltime BTW)

Suzjo, my DTS are now 30months and I have worked 3 days a week since they were 7months. On the days that I don't work, I spend all my time with them unless they are sleeping. Even when I'm cooking or cleaning, we talk and they stay near me. I take them out nearly every morning to either mainly a variety of parks, their music group, sometimes the library or we may go shopping. The afternoons are spent in the garden where I will participate in their games or sit and read whilst keeping an eye on them. If inside, it is more playing or reading books and at the moment, they love to dance to "The Grand Old Duke of York" which I have to play continously in order for them to march round the room.

On the days I work, I spend time with them in the morning whilst getting them ready for nursery and again in evening for bedtime routine.

Try to do things like going out for walks, drawing with them, blowing bubbles or even dancing. If you are in the kitchen, let them play with bowel of water and plastic containers etc. TBH, at this age, as long as you are with them, they are happy.

HTH

I think this sounds sad too.

Can you cut your work hours?

Try to resist the temptation to spend the weekends doing housework and stuff. If you have to work full-time, then spend as much weekend time as you can with them, get a cleaner if necessary.

make sure you pay for as many mundane house-work jobs as you can afford - cleaning, washing, changing the beds, gardening (unless its your thing). if your carer works in your home, are there things she could do so that you don't have to do them at the weekend? - things like keeping toys and clothes organised and tidy. do your shopping on-line. find a dry cleaners that picks up and delivers. Free up your weekend time as much as possible. Spending money on these things is effectively buying time - which is the most important thing you can buy. My other tip is don;t save all your leave for christmas and holidays when you actually go away. use the odd day here and there for no other reason than spending time, at home, with your boys.

Are you sure she is closer to them? Do you mean they are better behaved with her or that she understands them better.

I worked 3 days a week between when ds was 10 months and 20 months old and I am now working 4 days. My cm is fantastic but sometimes I think a changeling takes his place when I leave him there. At the cm he becomes a well-behaved, good little eater (as she says). I am getting embarrassed at the number of times I say things like 'he's a bit bad-tempered this morning', only to be told he was great at the end of the day'

It almost seems like my cm is talking about a different child when she talks about my ds. However my view is that he shows me his real self because he trusts me to love him whatever he does. With someone else he is more likely to behave himself.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and words of comfort. It's never easy, is it?

suzjo, you'd be surprised what is actually going on in their heads, i worked ft from when ds was 7mnths and he was always very happy with his cm, and i got it into my head that he enjoyed being with them more than being at home. Then one day I had dropped him at cm and gone for a drs appt b4 work when i bumped into them on the schoolrun. DS was absolutely inconsolable when I had to leave again and I suddenly realised he does actually prefer me to his cm- suffice to say I was absolutely inconsolable too all the way to work.
I agree with lazycow too, ds was just the same, and I only discovered that he talks far more when I'm there when I went on maternity leave and started taking him to playgroup myself.
They know you are their mummy and if they had a choice they would want you first. I know just how you feel-its a conflict between being glad they are happy with their carer and thinking "but they're my babies"

justamum, you've described exactly the way I feel - being glad they are happy with their carer and thinking "but they're my babies".

Umless your carer is bieng inappropriate wtih them ie trying to ursurp your role, relax. I read once that while you may use a carer while you work, you are ther for the long haul. You get up in the night with them, you make the decisions for their lives, school, you guide them, teach them your values, morals etc. you are their "survival figure" you work to provide their food, clothes and housing. You give them your love and your time. So relax, and when you are wtih them, just be yourself. You are their mom and no one can ever take that role from you and kids love their moms. It is harder on you because your dh travels alot so maybe he can reduce a bit and help you out more.