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Original poster

Managing the in-laws

19 replies

WhyNotSmile · 16/08/2014 13:07

I'd posted while I was pregnant about being concerned about my in-laws taking over one the baby arrived... Baby is now here, having arrived on August 8th 4 weeks early, and I'm already starting to get wound up by them!

My concern at first was that my husband would continue to want to go to his mum's house 3 nights a week once the baby was born; thankfully that hasn't happened. But his family have been visiting us instead, which is causing problems itself!

Firstly, his mother seems to think she can visit when she likes... It's not that she wants to come all the time; it's more that if we say she can't come, she gets all offended. She also keeps buying loads of stuff for the baby, even though we know she can't afford it, and we don't need the stuff (eg we had been given a play gym, and a bouncy chair, but she went and bought new ones anyway). I don't know why this annoys me, but it does!

Secondly, they tend to all arrive in a big group - his mum, sisters and niece and nephew (aged 5 & 3). It's noisy and disruptive. The baby isn't feeding too well yet; I'm having to express milk and each feed takes between an hour and an hour and a half. I don't want to be expressing milk in front of them, so a couple of times we've had to throw them out, but even that has taken so long that I've not had as much time to express as I'd like.

Everyone has to have a turn to cuddles, and I don't think that's good for the baby either. It also just unsettles me - I don't like seeing my baby handed round like a toy, especially to 5 & 3-year-olds. But this is the way they do things, and my husband just doesn't seem to see a problem. My feeling is that I should be able to say what goes, whether it's rational or not - not his mum and family.

It's tiring for my husband as well, as he ends up running round after the kids. He doesn't mind, but it's leaving him tired and then he not able to help me as much.

I guess I just feel like the baby should be the priority, and what is good for him is what we should do - not what is nice and fun for other people. But I'm not sure what to do, and I don't want to cause a big fuss and stress out my husband. My mother-in-law takes offence very easily, and we just don't need that either!

Any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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TravellingToad · 16/08/2014 13:10

YANBU. bloody hell.

LilyandGinger · 16/08/2014 13:13

YANBU but you don't need to manage the in-laws you need to manage you DH.

Kickassandlollipops · 16/08/2014 13:26

I used to just clear off upstairs to feed baby , sighting baby's need for quiet whilst feeding, books, TV and plenty of snacks , sometimes I wouldn't emerge until I heard the door hitting their behinds on the way out , bugger being polite , let Dh do the entertaining he will soon get tired of it !

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Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 16/08/2014 13:36

If I took baby upstairs I'd be considered very rude, because they'd come to see him. I can go upstairs myself, but then I get worked up imagining him being passed round downstairs.

I do think my husband's family take advantage of him a bit. Like, bringing their kids round to see the baby, and then letting him be the one to run after them while the adults sit and cuddle the baby. He is totally willing to phone then and tell them not to come, but then they either take offence or they try a bit of emotional blackmail on him. I don't really want him to have to deal with that. They make it seem like he's being unreasonable.

I think I mainly have lost sight of what's reasonable and what isn't. I don't want my son to miss out on his wider family; I just don't think it's priority at the moment. Today we've said no visitors, and it's been nice - watching my son on his play mat, having time to express milk properly and try to get him breastfeeding, eating and drinking the right things to increase my milk supply - I just feel more in control today.

OP posts:

Fattyfattyyumyum · 16/08/2014 13:57

If his willing to stand up for you both then LET HIM

YokoUhOh · 16/08/2014 14:04

OP what'll increase your milk supply is feeding your baby almost non-stop during these first few weeks. This is why your DH must tell your in-laws to give you space. What's the worst that can happen - MIL gets offended - well, that's her prerogative and nothing to do with you.

Put your feet up, keep nursing your beautiful baby, and get DH to lay down some boundaries. Can you escape to your family for a week or two?

tertle · 16/08/2014 14:09

Oh OP, poor you. They don't need to see the baby constantly now, he's tiny. They'll get their quality time with when he's a bit older. Right now feeding and bonding need to be established and you need your time on your own with your ds to do this.
Good luck.

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 16/08/2014 17:12

Thanks everyone. At least I feel like I'm not being totally crazy! I'll try to have a chat with my husband later. The family are acting as if they have every right in the world to see, cuddle and pick up my baby as and when they please - that's one of the things that's been annoying me. I feel I'm missing out on bonding time. Today hasn't been too bad - no visitors until 10 mins ago when his sister and her boyfriend arrived. I'm hiding upstairs while they feed him.

They arrived just as I finished expressing his milk, so that was a bit awkward (they're both 20, so not really likely to have seen that before!). Felt a bit embarrassed. That, and the fact that I'm leaking a bit of milk, and sometimes let a bit of wind out still when I sneeze - don't really need other people to see and hear all that!!

OP posts:

YokoUhOh · 17/08/2014 01:37

OP, if you are trying to establish breastfeeding, you need to be feeding your baby, not pumping for your extended family to feed him. Can your husband tell his family this? It sounds like they're preventing you from having the space both you and your baby need to bond. Your DH needs to send out a clearer message to his relatives.

ROARmeow · 17/08/2014 08:02

If they ring and you tell them a specific time/day doesn't suit, do they still turn up at your door? If so, just ignore the doorbell, or open it enough to tell them to eff off.

In these early days getting your milk supply up and plentiful is the most important thing. Your baby isn't a doll to be passed around.

I did have a small giggle to myself when your OP said, "It's tiring for my husband as well, as he ends up running round after the kids. He doesn't mind, but it's leaving him tired and then he not able to help me as much." I know this is your PFB, but when you're further down the line and having DC2, DC3 etc then that's just the way it goes.

But yes, I agree with you. This is your house, your newborn, and the rest of them should respect that. If they don't respect it then demand that respect until you get it.

MaryWestmacott · 17/08/2014 08:13

OP - sod worrying about being rude to them, they are being very rude to you, they must realise this isn't polite and they just don't give a shit! So keep that at the front of your mind, they think it's ok to be rude to you, and they think you should stay polite to them.

Now, get your DH to call his mum, explain you are trying to get your milk supply up and you only want visitors between X and Y times, and will not let them in at other times, can she help him by letting everyone else know, it's really important to him and the best way she can help. If he won't tell him you'll call and tell her she can't visit at all and you don't care if it causes long term problems.

If you end up not being able to feed your baby the way you want, then you will resent your MIL long term it'll be poision for your relationship anyway.

Time to start being rude. You can blame sleep deprivation long term.

Oh and congratulations!

Whereisegg · 17/08/2014 08:33

Yy to the pp explanation about needing to get your supply increased and get him to throw in that the dr/hv has suggested lots of skin to skin in bed.

Hissy · 17/08/2014 08:37

So today was NO VISITORS, yet his sister and her bf turned up?

FFS!

I think your H needs to call his family and define the word NO again.

Don't take yourself upstairs without your baby, go and take him with you, they'll soon learn that they won't be rewarded with a cuddle or a hold if you've said NO VISITORS.

Your h needs to lose the plot with them all a bit.

This situation is ridiculous and unnecessary.

((hug))

capsium · 17/08/2014 08:48

My advice is to be 'unreasonable', in their eyes anyway...

Get your DH to phone them, go upstairs with baby, don't answer the door or whatever it takes for them to accept you need a break from this constant visiting.

What is the worst that will happen? They stop visiting for a while? Result. If asked about it you need rest and time to settle into your own routine with your baby.

You can always go visit them when you are feeling more adventurous, which you will when you have had time to catch your breath.

capsium · 17/08/2014 08:50

P.S. I wouldn't put up with this and I don't have a newborn, only older DC.

Littlef00t · 17/08/2014 14:37

Please please be strong and demand what you need. You'll look back and be so resentful in the future if you don't.

All the advice says even if you're bottle feeding there should be only 1 person feeding all the bottles so the baby is comforted and important bonding happens. I personally think practically, 2 feeders is ok, but not some random relies.

You need time to bond and learn about each other, and your DH is being disrespectful to you and your LO by not preserving his energy to help you both.

Please put your foot down now, to your DH, and have him do the same for family.

There will be fall out, but there will opportunity to rebuild the bridges.

You need to start as you mean to go on otherwise they will only think you're being unreasonable in the future if you start putting your foot down later.

Lostinspace1 · 17/08/2014 16:30

I hope this doesn't come across painfully patronising, but you sound young-ish. I think if you were older you wouldn't care about offending anyone and you would just ask your OP to turn his family away (in a nice way). They will get over it. The first few weeks and months are so hard you have to prioritse yourself and the baby. YANBU.

Lostinspace1 · 17/08/2014 16:30

Sorry OH, not OP!

CoolCat2014 · 17/08/2014 16:55

Honestly think you (or DH) need to put your foot down and establish the way you want things to work. They will probably get offended and try emotional blackmail, but you need to both stand strong against it - they will get the message eventually, and if the don't like it tough! They need to learn that huffing and puffing won't get them their way.

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