Children should never keep secrets from their parents.

[SixImpossible]

What is your opinion on this, and how old are your dc?

Children shouldn't be made to keep secrets they aren't comfortable with, by strangers, family, friends or parents. That's my opinion regardless of age. The DC know they can talk to me about anything but aren't obliged.

no child should keep a secret they are uncomfortable with, and should not be told too. i had a problem when dd1 was tiny with the IL telling her not to tell me stuff. it was mainly inocculous stuff "dont tell mummy you had smarties" type stuff but it wasnt the point, its making dd think its normal to not tell mummy things. they never got it though and dd would always come home and tell me anyway

It evolves.

I think it starts with blanket 'no secrets' but as the DC's understanding grows, you teach (from perhaps late toddler years onwards, depending in your child) the difference between 'good' secrets (eg birthday surprise) and everything else.

In tandem, you need to teach them that if anything at all is worrying them, they talk to you with certainly that there is no problem so bad that you can't help them through it, but you cannot help if you do not know about it. This message needs to be continued right up to the teen years.

And of course that if anyone ever asks them to keep a secret about something that feels wrong, or has hurt them, they really must tell a trusted grown up straight away.

I guess I was unclear!

Perhaps my title should have been:

"Children should never be allowed to keep secrets from their parents."

There appear to be two distinct opinions on MN: parents who differentiate between happy/good and worrying/bad secrets, or between surprises and secrets, and who allow their dc to keep one sort but not the other, and parents who believe that their dc should not keep any secrets whatsoever from them.

I wonder whether the age of their dc affects the parents' opinions.

My opinion is that children should be allowed to keep happy secrets from their parents. My dc range in age from 7 - 13.

I've always taught my son that he doesn't have to keep a secret. So if he tells his dad what we've got him for Christmas, birthday etc, it's not the end of the world. And that if anyone says he has to keep a secret, to talk to one of us, or his teacher, or anyone else he feels comfortable with.
I'm comfortable with him keeping a secret from me, if he feels he wants to - although he tends to (over)share with me still - he's 12 so that might not last much longer!

I wouldn't advocate lying but my 4 year old was so pleased with herself that she knew my birthday presents and had kept them a secret from me so I think its about the situation rather then the 'lie'

We started from about 3ish saying we don't keep secrets but we do keep surprises.

Same as slightlyinsane we dont keep secrets but we do keep surprises

Of course dc should be allowed to keep secrets - it's lovely to make a card for your Mum and hold on to it until her birthday / Mothering Sunday etc. The skill comes in helping dc understand when it's good to speak out, and when it's ok to keep quiet.

I don't think I understand the question.

Surely you can't 'allow' someone to keep a secret, they either keep it or they don't? Do you mean encouraging children to keep secrets in the 'shh, don't tell mummy I'm going to the pub/fed you smarties for tea sense/bought her this nice necklace'?

If that's the case, I'm in the secrets = not so good, surprise = good camp,

Most children will have 'secrets'. The majority of them will be perfectly innocuous - I pee in the bath, i took the last biscuit, I actually don't like mums spag Bol. I think it's important to teach them when it's important to tell someone as you can't stop them from keeping a secret.

I have four DC;

DS1 is nine nearly ten and I've told him he only has to tell me things if he's comfortable telling me.

DD1 is seven and tells me everything anyway, except from surprises and when her at DD2 are planning a prank or something!

DS2 and DD2 are four years old and I don't think they have many secrets but then again they are less open than DD1 and I told them exactly what I told DS1.