2 and a 1/2 weeks left and I cannot see how I will cope

[winkywinkola]

with my ds1 aged 9.

His behaviour is going into free fall again. He was bullying ds2 and ds3 for the umpteenth time. Sent to his room.

There are now ink splats all over his wall and bed from where he threw a pen in bad temper. He's thrown other stuff in the past leaving marks and dents on walls and furniture.

To decorate and furnish that bedroom cost us £1k. I prioritised it over everything else so he would have a decent room. I don't expect gratitude. I don't expect him to fucking trash it either.

I can't go on with him. I screamed at him today from downstairs. He is so unpleasant, rude, violent, spiteful, hyper, dishonest 90% of the time. I can't find any redeeming features at the moment.

He works hard at school and behaves so very well there. A model pupil.

Am at a total loss. Want to call social services as GPs etc can't help because the little darling behaves so well at school. I am not equipped to deal with this child.

He'd been having constant violent rages since he was 2. They reduced in number when he was 8 although he's still capable of going berserk.

He's had a private counsellor which I think led to the reduction in rages. This rages would be all weekend and every evening and morning before school. She was great but can't afford her any more.

Every morning I wake up feeling anxious and low because I'm waiting for his next unpleasantness.

if i ask him to get dressed, he makes a scene. Put shoes on, he starts shouting. Tidy up his mess, he kicks off. Anything that doesn't involve him sitting in front of the telly or computer makes him angry.

It's never an okay, no problem etc like with my other dcs.

We've been out most days during the holidays. They all get great exercise and entertainment. We couldn't afford to go away but we've been to lots of places and had play dates. Except not many want to have play dates with ds1. I have trouble scheduling play dates in for my other dcs.

Why is he just so unpleasant, uncooperative and actually really quite mean? Even my two affection seeking Labradors scuttle off away from him.

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OK this is patronising, but have you asked him? What is going on in his head?

He just shrugs. I tell him to come to me if the other dcs are annoying him. He doesn't.

But I was watching him on the trampoline yesterday from my bedroom window. He was 'playing' with ds2 who is 23 mos. Very rough. Very aggressive. I had to sprint down to rescue ds2.

Every time all 4 dcs are in garden together, someone is howling every 15 mins. Ds1 is always - and I mean always - involved. It's weird.

What about guessing? E.g. pick an incident and describe what you saw to him and how you think he felt. Eg when you were playing with you brother you looked angry. What are you feeling angry about....

Did the counsellor share anything?

To me, and I'm guessing, he sounds like he's lacking in self esteem and doesn't know how to express himself. Perhaps keep a closer eye on him and spend short bursts of time with just him every day. Even if its just sitting with him while he does a certain activity, just to build a connection.

What a nightmare. Can't offer you any specific advice, not experienced any of the issues you have, but I can say even between me and my very cooperative DC it is that midway heart sinking point of the summer holidays where we feel a bit grrr with the situation.Sounds awful, big hug.

Are you able to spend any 1:1 time with him doing what he wants to do?

My dd was a lot like this and I found that was the most helpful piece of advice I was given. I started out with 10 mins a day and now make sure I give at least 20 mins a day.

Initially I didn't ask her what she wanted to do as that was almost too much pressure for her. I just waited for an opportunity, or 'joined in' something she was doing, even if it was just watching the tv.

The other thing I did was back off completely, stopped shouting and punishing and tried my best to focus on the positive. It really doesn't matter who has the last word. Though I have also been clear to outline what is unacceptable.

It hasn't been easy, but, now at the age of 11, we closer than we've ever been. She's spiky, and has a strong personality, but we've just come back from one of the best holidays we've ever had. 2 years ago I vowed never to go away with her again, her behaviour was so bad.

This website aha parenting has been a godsend. It's a bit cheesy and American, but it gives brilliant advice that really works.

Dawn light thank you.

I usually spend time in the morning with him before the others wake up and after dh has gone to work or in shower. Ds1 will hop into bed with me and we will chat, read and discuss his library book.

I am lost.

Have a look at that website and take small steps. I felt like you, and I only have 2 dc's.

Other things that have (strangely) helped:

Forget all absolutely non-essential housework. Concentrate on this relationship first for now. The dust won't mind.

Let him have a friend round. (I find dd leaves her brother alone and plays nicely with the friend(she would never have a tantrum in front of a friend).

Try and have some structure/routine, even in the hols.

When he kicks off, instead of shouting, give him a hug and ask him what's wrong, (this is really hard to do, but gave really good results quite quickly).

Listen. Always.

Give him some freedom and control. I.e. For dd, this was helping me meal plan, learning to make a cup of tea, walking to school independently, putting herself to bed, allowing access to 'older' books etc.

Also, I've had to accept that there are some things that she just doesn't want to do (11+), despite being capable, and give her opportunities to do things I never considered as an option, but that she desperately wants to try.

Also, if this really is too hard to get to grips with at the moment, I had a referral for CAMHS through my gp. They were so helpful and supportive on the phone. By the time the referral was picked up though, we were in a much better place and didn't feel I needed it. My gp said the fact that the behaviour was good in school but not at home meant such a referral was appropriate. Can you see another GP?

Good luck.

Thank you. I really appreciate your help.

I have been trying to arrange play dates for him but nobody is up for it.

Not sure where you live but you said you had a private counselor for him which helped. Have you thought about getting your gp to refer him to cahms for some help.

Yes. The GP said he could not be referred because his behaviour at school was perfect. Therefore there was nothing to be done.

Your GP is dead wrong. It is very common for children to only display difficulties in either the home or the school setting though it is easier to get referrals when the problems are at school. dawn has given brilliant advice. It is easy to get into a negative attention cycle which actually reinforces the bad behaviour but it is so understandable that you get angry particularly when he is aggressive with younger children.

I am so heartened by all this advice and kind words. Onwards! Will call GP today.

Completely agree your gp is talking rubbish, my nephew is a very polite and lovely teenager with friends and family but my god he couldn't be anymore different at home, currently using cahms to get him support.