I feel like I've thrown my life away

[Youngmumto1]

I got pregnant at 17 my daughter is 2 and I'm almost 21 now, I've had postnatal depression pretty much since she was born but that doesn't mean I don't love her. I have no life or freedom I love my kid to bits but sometimes I just want to run away she stays with her dad 3 days a week but I feel like the time flies by I'm happy when she comes back but after a while it's just stress again the house is a mess all the time and she gets into everything I can't even have a bath or call someone cos she wants to be involved in everything I do and when she goes to bed I'm just too tired to do anything I know it's not her fault and I feel guilty all the time I don't think I'm maternal I just can't dedicate my whole live to someone else when I barely got to live it myself and I get jealous of people my age who don't have kids because they can put themselves first I feel like I have no identity other than being her mum I would never abandon her that's not even an option I love her and she needs her mother
Is there anyone else that feels the same?

Aw hold on in there hunny, you are in the worst possible age range for feeling tired and like you have no time for yourself, and you are by the sounds of it single mum who is doing an amazing job.

You really have not thrown your life away, its just that the life you once had is temporarily on hold while you take care of a very dependent little person. Just wait, it won't be long before you have said goodbye to nappys, will be able to have a proper chat with your little lady, and will before you know it be getting her ready for school. Every month that goes by after the age of 2 brings more and more independence and leaves you feeling less and less drained by the neediness. One day, sooner than you think, that little person who takes every ounce of energy you have, will be your closest friend and a lovely life companion.

I didn't have children until I was in my 40's. I also had PND and felt devastated after my first, like I had thrown my life away. My first is now 5 and I have to say I find her engaging, entertaining and wonderful company. Parenting is still tough (I also have a younger one in the 2's age range) but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and know these phases don't last forever.

What you are feeling is totally normal, BUT its totally temporary. Stay strong xx

Had my first at 19. Then went back to college and later uni once started school.

You will get your time to shine. Just wait and see.

If it's any small consolation, I wish I'd had my kids at your age. (I was in my 30s.) just look at your future -- your daughter will start school in 2 years' time then you will be FREE to pursue any career you want, aged just 23! Life will be OPEN. You'll never have to stop to take a career break for kids later, you can work at something you love for as long as you love it.

When your friends start having babies, your life will be organised and calm again, with a daughter who is a companion and a delight, and THEY will be envying YOU.

Can you get any kind of nursery place now while you start studying for the career you'd like? What is your dream job?

This bit of motherhood is crap, it just is. I was a single mum to two kids - aged 6 and 18 months - and it was by far the hardest stage. It will pass. I know it feels like it never will.. But it will.

I never understood that expression "they grow up so fast" when I was a single mum. The days DRAGGED. But it does get better, and faster, and then you will have the world at your feet.

Until then,

Thankyou both, I've never actually met anyone else with PND before, it's just been one of those days xx

Oh dear sounds like you are feeling really down

I was pregnant with my first at 19 and pregnant with my second when I turned 21

Upto the age of three children can be very demanding, after this it generally calms down a bit

Can you find things to do with her to entertain her? Play groups etc? You might be able to make some mummy friends?

Ii never thought of it that way, thanks! I want to go to college then university and eventually have a career as an experimental psychologist

I've been to groups a few times but they're not really my thing I just feel really awkward there, my daughter goes to nursery twice a week and play group with her nan every Friday so she's not missing out, I've just found it difficult to be social and meet new people since having her, I suppose I could give the groups another go

I can understand that

My local mums and tots group was full of ladies mid 30s and I felt judged so I wouldn't go

But I should say, for what it's worth, some of those mid 30s ladies are now the parents of my childrens school friends and they are lovely! And I still look about 18 so I probably would of been fine back then too

Hi young. Firstly, you haven't thrown your life away You have plenty of time to achieve goals you have set.

I had my DD at 20. At 22 I went to uni and now at 26 I am finishing my masters degree. It is hard work, but you can do it. I fully believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. Things will get easier with your DD as she gets older, but maybe you could start to encourage her to entertain herself more? Also I have a reward system for my DD where she can earn a pound or a treat (she is 5) for doing little jobs like tidying her room and making her bed. It works quite well for us although her dad gets a bit miffed when she tidies his house and asks for a pound

I know it's hard when you're depressed, but -- actually wait, no. Sort out the depression first. Otherwise you won't want to do anything else at all.

Have you spoken to your GP about your PND? I had it with my first. With my second, I cheered up - it actually felt like the second pregnancy had "re-set" something back into place. But that's quite an extreme way to cheer up! Google PND and hormones. I'm SURE it's a hormonal thing. Go and see him and don't leave until you've got something in place that will improve your mood. I tried antidepressants. They got rid of the very bad times.

Once you've sorted that, can you look into college courses? There are a lot of grants and funding for young people at college but I think (I might be wrong so please check this) that they stop at 24 so you want to get onto a course before then.

Maybe contact someone who is doing your dream job and ask them how to get there? They'll be flattered and reply giving you loads of advice. Just email people for fun, like you're some feisty, brave character in a film who's scared of nothing. Then follow that career plan.

This is so cool! Your life is all new and unsullied and everything is in front of you! I am REALLY envious!! I think it's great you are a young mum. You'll look back on your life when you are collecting your Nobel Prize in Experimental Psychology and realise you could never have got there if you hadn't done everything exactly as you'd done it, including saving your daughter so young. You will think of me too, that unknown Mumsnet poster who encouraged you so helpfully... :)

*having, not saving