not feeling brilliant...

[molly2]

I am not coping very well with ME. I have a 14 month old son who was very much longed and waited for. He is great - but I am not always great. It's not depression - I don't feel low. But I feel low self-esteem wise. I have returned to work 2 days a week and feel like an idiot most days. Sometimes I just wish I could stay at home with my son and just do activities with him and not have to worry about anyone else. I'm finding I'm getting angry at my husband for minor things but they of course seem major to me. My son's sleeping patterns during the night are erractic and sometimes I'm up 4 -5 times a night. But I also must stress that in wanting our beautiful baby, I did not think it would be a bed of roses. I guess I just didn't think that I would be feeling so bad within myself.

Hi Molly. It's not surprising you're feeling low if you're up 4 or 5 times a night - being sleep deprived is horrible and makes everything distorted IME. That's why the minor things seem like major things. Does your dh ever get up in the night? Because he needs to by the sound of it - no-one should have to do this alone. Is this your first? If so, maybe you are just getting used to motherhood? I know I found it a huge shock first time round, just getting used to the relentlessness, drudgery and exhaustion of it. I know they're lovely too and fun and gorgeous and I wouldn't not have my children for anything in the world but the first one was still a tremendous shock. Have you spoken to your health visitor? (if you've got a nice and good one) I think if you sort out the sleeping first though then everythng else will start to feel a bit better and clearer. I haven't tried it but have heard people recommend the Ferber book on sleep, I'll see if I can find it for you.

The Ferber book is here

Bags of sympathy. Agree with WWW not surprised you are feeling rough if you are still getting up several times a night. Have you looked at some of the sleep threads on MN?

Hi Molly

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling this way & you're not alone. I've got 2 small boys 3 & 18mnths and am pg again - my self esteem seems to have taken a knock through all of this - I think it might be quite common after childbirth. There is a lot of adjusting to do!!

How long have you been back at work? Is it something you used to enjoy? Maybe give it a bit more time. I must admit I look to my p/t job for a bit of self-esteem - it may just be that you need to sort out some things at home before you can enjoy work again. Once you've given it more time you can decide if you really do want to stay at home full time.

The lack of sleep won't be helping like WWW said. Is he still feeding at night?

Not much advice really, but you're not going mad - you're doing a great job I bet & all the very best - keep posting.......

Thank you for your very kind and understanding responses. I have made steps towards sorting out baby's sleep patterns. I live in Australia and in the Sydney area, there is a centre called Tresillian where you can stay for a week and the Early Childhood nurses help you get a routine happening. I am booked in to go in a few weeks time. Thank you also for the recommendation on the Ferber book. I think I feel a bit better already just having found this site! I found a similar one four years ago devoted to trouble with conceiving and it was most therapeautic.

That centre sounds fab, molly2. Hope it's of use to you. I bet there are loads of people on here who'd love such a place in the UK!
Why do you think you feel like an idiot at work? Is it work you did before having your son? Is there anything else that is giving your confidence a knock? (Sorry for all the questions!)

Yes I returned to the same job but I think going from working full-time to the 2 days has been an adjustment - not that I wish to work any more than what I am but that reduction has been a challenge. I have found it hard 'negotiating' with my husband with the parenting. He's normally a very capable and skilled person and I think I automatically thought he would be the same with the baby. I'm not talking in terms of loving our son, just in everyday tasks. Is this familiar to anyone? And then I guess, as you would all be nodding your heads in agreement, it's that idea that as mother's we are in demand in just about all aspects and it's finding that small bit of time to make our own and to rejuvinate.