How do you keep your temper - please help

[PetitFilou1]

I have just had a very bad evening and completely failed to keep my temper. Have been on my own with dd 1 and ds 2.8 all day as dh is at work (he is a doctor and won't be home until 10pm). Ds doesn't sleep at all in the day and dd hardly slept today either. I managed fine until this evening when they were both being really badly behaved because they were so tired. Then things went downhill, ds wet himself (fine dealt with that- at least he was actually in the vicinity of the potty at the time) then wouldn't eat anything (fine told him to get down) then pooed in his pants, didn't tell me and left wee and poo all over the carpet. Meanwhile I am trying to clean up the kitchen. I lost it completely with him. He has had at least one accident every day for the past couple of weeks, either at nursery or at home and I've just had enough of it. His behaviour is really bad in the afternoons as well as he's so tired. All this doesn't excuse my behaviour though and I feel terrible about it. Would just like to know how other people cope- I only have admiration for those who have more than two children. I would love another but don't know whether I could cope.

i know it is hard especially at that age. i suppose i cope with wine! (very bad advice)

potty training can be sheer hell but if you're getting pissed off, perhaps it's time to call it a day for a month or so

it is hard when you have 2 toddlers - I look back at that time and don't know how I did it. I certainly couldn't do it again. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you talk about overtiredness. Toddlers are not renowned for being rational but when they are knackered they are impossible! Could he still do with having an afternoon nap?

i have 4 children ...i cope because i can get the older ones to help with stuff
when ds and dd1 were little(there is only 11 months between them) i found it really hard,the only thing that kept me going was that i got them ina good bedtime routine so if i had a bad day at least i knew i'd get the evening to myself(to have a glass of wine!!or a bottle).
ds2 was doing ok at potty training for a week or so then went back to having accidents all the time.i couldnt be bothered so i put him back in nappies and started again 2 weeks later.after that he was fine.he was 2yrs 10 months when i potty trained him properly.
my dd2 is 9 months and she has a 15 minute nap in the morning then about 15-30 mins in the afternoon,and if shes anything like the other 3,daytime naps will be no more when she gets to 18 months.

No great advice but lots of sympathy. I think 2.8 is a lovely but very frustrating time, particularly if you have another younger one as well. Agree with fox that maybe he could still do with a nap/quiet time in the early afternoon. If nothing else it'll give you a break?

Foxinsocks and divastrop Trouble is he is in a bed and won't sleep during the day. He sleeps at nursery but not at home, just drops off in the car if we're lucky now and again. Re potty training, he was dry for a long time during the day - starting potty training at about 2.4,(we were only just starting to get there with poo) but he's really regressed and neither me or dh know what to do about it.

my 2 boys were the same with poo,and according to ds2's nursery its quite common for them to happily wee on the potty for ages but still want to poo in a nappy!(ds2 would ask for a nappyon then go out into the hallway and do what he had to).i don't think i did anything about it,just one day he pooed in his potty and that was it,untill he regressed and i put him back in nappies.i didnt want to but i didnt want to make a big thing of him having accidents either.the 2nd time it was so much easier,i think he just wasn't quite ready the first time.

petitfilou, if you are struggling and getting tense and stressed it will be a vicious circle. Put him back in nappies for a while.
If you don't want to go down that route then try a treat like choclate buttons when he stays dry. When he's tired he'll be much more likely to wet himself. M
y dd2 is three tomorrow and she took herself out of nappies at about 2.4 .She stiil has an accident a day, especially later in the day. I used to get really uptight about it, now I think she'll get there in the end and I give her a chocolate button if she succeeds in staying dry for a long period. It has worked.
Don't beat youself up about getting angry. I got furious with one of mine the other morning before school. My 4 year old had gone out into the garden and had cut all the leaves off one of my favourite sappling trees. I really lost it and then felt bad a couple of hours later.
I had to remind myself that maybe I did go over the top but I'm human and I get angery. I'm not perfect and I don't always get it right and that's ok.
It's tough bringing up young children. All of us here know that. Always remind youself that you're doing fine, even on the darker days. Best of luck

Kittywits thanks, that was a really nice post and has made me feel a bit better. I don't think ds would actually let me put him in nappies now so pretty sure I don't have that option but will try and maintain the 'get there in the end' attitude. I feel like a useless person generally this evening, don't really deserve my children Hope things will be better tomorrow when dh is home.

Petitfilou, just wanted to post here to thank you for your post as it has been very reassuring for me to read of others going through the same kind of issues as I am at the moment.

DD1 is 2.6 and has started throwing tantrums nearly every hour as well as objecting to EVERYTHING.

DD2 is 11 months (almost) and is into every frigging thing she can get her hands on - really avid, active and bouncy.

I lose my temper several times every day especially when DD1 plays up at meal times. This is a really difficult time and I think it's easy to start doubting yourself. You DO 'deserve' your children... just writing on here about your concerns proves what a loving and caring mother you are. When you're at your wit's end you do not feel loving and caring I know but TRY to be assured that this is just a phase.

It always amazes me that this is the hardest job in the world and yet we can feel sometimes as if it is also the most thankless.

petitfilou - I have been there and i know just how you feel. My dh worked 100 hours a week, resident on call for 5 years when my boys were small. I had a 2 year gap between them and it was tough. All I would say to you is that if I had my time over I would try to make it easier on myself. It sounds to me as if you are all really tired. I exhausted myself trying to keep on top of everything dh didn't have time to do (he was studying for post grad exams)and I was so worn out it was hard to be objective. The trouble was that because I was an ex midwife, I was expected to know all the answers, so didn't get much support. We kept having to move house which didn't help. If they really won't sleep during the day, aim to get them to bed at least an hour earlier than you do at present. Paradoxically, when they are overtired, they don't sleep as long or as well as they need to, and the whole thing becomes a vicious circle. You hit the nail on the head when you said they they were being badly behaved because they were so tired. Don't let it get to that stage. I am not ashamed to admit that I used to sit my 2 year old in front of a long video after lunch,while I fed the baby, sometimes he would fall asleep. I used to take them out all morning, and make sure the older one was really worn out, unless it was actually sub-zero.
My next door neighbour used to put her two to bed at 5.30, but they slept through till 6am, and she could whip round the house in a couple of hours and still get to bed in reasonable time. I think she was on the right track. It does pass though - mine are big strapping teenagers now, and I would love to have those days back again.

One thing that helped mine settle down at night was a suggestion from a friend who was a speech therapist. She told me to cut down on the stimulation / noise after tea, and play soothing classical music softly. She said that little children get so overstimulated that they can't switch off. It worked - I wish I had known her 2 years earlier. You could try one of those relaxation / massage therapy cds - they certainly work for adults.

petitfilou - don't be so hard on yourself hun.

We all get ratty sometimes, it by no means makes us bad mum's (but boy do we beat ourselves up about it, don't we?!)

I get fed up at times when everything seems to go pear shaped (the accidents, not eating etc) and I've only got the one so God bless you for managing with 2!

I have a terrible temper, especially when tired (that'll be tomorrow, then).

At the moment I control it by telling myself that they don't actually do anything just to wind you up - too young for that, and trying to see the funny side. If all else fails I make sure they are safe and then go out into the garden and take some deep breaths.

I've also found that cuddles work. Firstly, the lo gets reassured that you don't really hate them, and secondly, you can't really stay angry when you are giving/getting a lovely cuddle (even from a shitty toddler).

I'm sure you are doing just fine. Don't worry about it.

First accept sometimes you will fall below your standard, apologize to the child,and start over. IF your tired, let it go. Maybe that is not the day to do 3 loads of laundry, or groceries iwth small kids and take it slow and easy. There will be other days where you will feel like super mom. Get someone to take over for a few hours so you can get out. You will come back refreshed and they will be so excited to see you. Try humour, make a joke, a silly face or roar like a dinosaur when they are at their most frustrating and you will all laugh. I echo the idea of a set (and early bedtime ) so you can count on that time and know that there is an end to your day and you can spend an hour on munsnet!

its really spooky tat i found this thread after the carry on i had before i came out to work. mt dd is 2.5 and was angel baby, since she turned 2 it is like having stroppy teenager in the house sometimes. very rarely has a nap in day so is a nightmare from 4 o clock onwards, eventually put her to bed completely knackered about 7.30 where she decides to do impression of ben hur around her cot for the next 1.5 hours. found myself screeching at her tonight because i like her to be in bed and asleep before i come out to work. she started crying because i frightened her, then shunned me when i tried to apologise and cuddle her. then we both ended up in tears when she said "you sad mummy". i have been very worrried at my low mood and short temper and have wondered if i have maternal depression, feel better knowing i am not on my own though. i know i need to chill out and have some me time but thats always easier said than done.
oh the joys of motherhood.....

try putting on some of your favourite tunes.. either during or after the battles.. helps me a lot. but then i have music on all the time if im at home(not much!).music does help to relax you, but maybe not the kids!