feel so disconnected - could this be late developing PND?

[strugglingmummy]

I have name changed as I don't want this linked to my other posts, I hope once you have read this you will understand. This will be long so I am sorry

DD will be a year old in about 10 days. My pregnancy was highly unexpected after 17 years of being told i was infertile and was traumatic as I had HG and was hospitalised with it. DP and I had only been together a few months and I hadn't long left my EA exh. As well as this i had a massive struggle to really comprehend that I was actually pregnant. Even up to the day I was induced I don't think I had ever really reconciled that it was all happening. My whole pregnancy felt like I was just going through the motions and doing what everyone expected of me.

If I am totally honest with myself I still feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel so totally disconnected from everything. I do everything DD needs, I play with her, feed her, bathe her, clothe her etc. She is developing way above her age according to the HV. But i just don't feel this bond everyone talks about.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a number of years and I am feeling incredibly low at the moment. I am not sure if this is the cause of how I feel wrt DD or if the way I feel is causing me to feel low iyswim.

I am terrified to say anything to anyone in RL as I have had major issues with my mum trying to take over and constantly criticising and second guessing me with everything. DP knows something is up as I have barely slept in 3 weeks and am quite emotional - i just don't know what to do. I know this isn't normal and i know it won't go away on its own but i don't know where to turn.

I love DD, she is gorgeous but it is almost like she is someone else's that I am just looking after if that makes any sense at all.

I have no idea what i expect anyone to say but needed to say this somewhere.

I don't know much about this but am bumping for you. Maybe repost in mental health? X

I couldnt read and not respond to your post. That you have recognised this as a form of depression is excellent, this is a first step. Now you can start being proactive. It sounds like mild to moderate depression which maynot be linked to PND but you can recover from this with early support and treatment that is appropriate. Go to your doctor and access your local nhs mental health services. Also check whether theres a local support group (for Mums, not necessarily for people with depression). For many people the hardest part of recovering from depression is the first stage of being proactive when you feel low and seeking help and support ( feeling embarrassed or guilty can stop people makibg that first step) - it is hard to do but once you have you may find it is a huge relief to have your feelings recognised and you can get some much needed emotional support and start the process of recovery. If you have recovered from previous episodes of depression i think this will help you as you already know the key to this is really in your hands however hard that first step is, and you will already know what to do. Very best wishes for a full and speedy recovery.

It also could be linked to your relationship with your mother. What was your childhood like?

Have you considered counselling?

She should be helping and supporting you, not criticising.

Ignore your DM. She might be trying to give you advice or the benefit of her experience but look at your DD. I'm sure she is a healthy happy little girl. You did that!

Get yourself an appointment with your GP and have a chat. I'm sure that some counselling would do wonders for you. I totally understand how you feel. For months and months with DS I "functioned" I didn't feel like I did a particularly good job. Just what was necessary. DS is 19 months now. I finally got myself some therapy in about March/April time. It has been wonderful. It hasn't been easy and it has been slow but the difference in how I feel is fantastic.

I feel so totally different now to how I did last year after DS was born. I didn't think it was possible but I promise it is.

PM me if I you need to chat or want some extra hand holding. I'd be happy to listen. X

I couldnt read and not respond to your post. That you have recognised this as a form of depression is excellent, this is a first step. Now you can start being proactive. It sounds like mild to moderate depression which maynot be linked to PND but you can recover from this with early support and treatment that is appropriate. Go to your doctor and access your local nhs mental health services. Also check whether theres a local support group (for Mums, not necessarily for people with depression). For many people the hardest part of recovering from depression is the first stage of being proactive when you feel low and seeking help and support ( feeling embarrassed or guilty can stop people makibg that first step) - it is hard to do but once you have you may find it is a huge relief to have your feelings recognised and you can get some much needed emotional support and start the process of recovery. If you have recovered from previous episodes of depression i think this will help you as you already know the key to this is really in your hands however hard that first step is, and you will already know what to do. Very best wishes for a full and speedy recovery.

Sorry, managed to post again by accident - stupid phone and/or operator error there!

Thanks ladies.

I am not about to speak to my GP, their answer to everything is counselling which i have tried before and is a pointless waste of time for me. Not saying that it's wrong for others but it doesn't work for me.

And it has nothing to do with my relationship within parents.

I just feel so disconnected to my dd and I feel so ashamed. Will keep faking til I make it

I can relate to this. I was the same with my DD (my first). I loved her, but never really felt she was mine. I also had HG with lots of hospital admissions. It all felt a bit odd and not at all what I expected pregnancy to be. After all trying to bond with someone that made you so,so ill is hard, even though you absolutely know it's not their fault. I wonder if I suffered with some kind of PTSD and maybe you are too? DD is 4 now and things are much better. Time was a great healer.

I don't think the GP would have helped either given how little concern they had for me when I was literally nearly dying with the HG (on one of my hospital admissions my potassium levels were critically low. My GP had told me to go home and come back tomorrow if no better - after 8 weeks of HG and 3 previous admissions so I knew I was bad. We went to A&E. Nurse said I'd probably have been dead by the morning).

Your gp may give other options eg cbt? Would something like that help? You can tell your gp that you don't want counselling.

To be honest you should talk to someone before it gets worse.

I found that ADs made all the difference - might be worth a try if you don't think counselling is right for you.
I think you should speak to someone so that you can start enjoying your time with your baby.
Good luck.

Have had cBT and wasn't helpful but I did have a particularly useless trainee or decoded everything was a daddy issue

I have spent years on ad's, they make me inhuman! I am reluctant to try them as have changed gp due to moving and will spend months mucking around rather than giving me the ones I was on before. My gp seems to think I am just a hysterical woman.