Should I interfere?

[davemail1]

After 25 years my wife sat me down quietly about 7 years ago and told me that our marriage was over. It was done very nicely. I learned later that the timing was because her affair was about to be discovered, but it did come as a shock to me and our three children.

Looking back, I appreciate now that our relationship was not perfect and in the intervening years I hold my hands up that my ability to move on has been rubbish impacting upon my enjoyment of life and my career. By way of arrangements I have been able to have my children every weekend and gradually a relationship has been rebuilt with my ex. focused upon the children's welfare. In fact, we talk, email and text and help each other out and have had to cope with some quite serious events, such as the disability of one of the children.

So, why the post? My wife's new partner was unknown to the children when the affair was discovered and shortly after moved in with them. That's quite a challenge for a man to take on as it came with him having to sacrifice his relationship with his own teenage daughters, who to this day have refused to meet my former wife.

I guess part of my sense of loss was that they would rebuild as a family unit (the youngest of the children was then 5), but this has not really happened. It's hard for me to comment because I don't witness any behaviour, but it is apparent that the relationship they have with him is virtually nil. I believe this is deliberate on my wife's part in trying to keep her relationship with him self-contained, but increasingly, I have to pick up the pieces, as his presence is making them all unhappy.

What I have said to them is just get on with him, but it has now reached the point that I have to try and mop up the pieces, to the extent that I now feel I need to take action.

I have never met the new man, but have said to them that I would be prepared to if it would help.

The question therefore is - should I interfere?

Of course you should raise something that is causing your children distress. How you do it is the tricky bit. You've clearly worked hard to have a civil relationship with your ex and you understandably don't want to rock the boat.

I suppose you need to decide what you want to happen, but need to acknowledge that you're not there and can't see things from your ex's or her partners perspective. Be aware that kids can try to play off one parent to another (child of divorced parents here!). Are the kids being harmed in some way, shouted at? Are they being ignored?

You could offer to attend something like relate family counselling with all of them, though I accept that would take a hell of a lot of guts from your perspective. You could offer to increase how often the kids see you - or do the kids want to live with you as their main home? Is that feasible?

I'd raise it by saying you're worried about the kids behaviour/feelings and want to talk about it to figure out a way forward and be careful not to use any blaming words.

Also try posting in relationships where you may get better responses.

Good luck OP. And credit to you for your approach. My parents divorced when I was 7. They haven't said a single word to each other in over 30 years. Bloody horrific as a child.