Feeling very alone. Does it get easier?

[satsumagirl]

I've got a 3.5 year old and an 18 month old. I work 4 days a week split across 5 days. DH works very long hours and isn't at home much. He also is away with work most weeks.

I'm finding juggling work and doing most of the childcare very hard. I am very organised and I get on well with my children, but its quite tough doing a demanding job and most of the kids' stuff. When they are sick most of the time I have to juggle everything . I feel very isolated and lonely.

I am trying to focus on the positives of having two lovely children, being okay for money etc. I know those are important. But I've spent so much of the last few years feeling low or depressed sometimes those things are not enough. I went to see my GP last year to ask for antidepressants but she said I was just having a bad day.

DH does his best but we are just coming through a very rocky patch in our marriage. I envy him so much. He can just walk out the door everyday and go to work and he is hardly ever back for bedtime, although he is much more hands on at the weekend. Meanwhile I'm here holding the fort and I hate it. I feel powerless and unnoticed.

Please tell me it gets easier as children get older.

I think your dh needs to be more involved somehow. If he works away for most of the week, then you are in effect a single parent, with no network or fallback if you are stuck with ill dc or child are issues. The dc are your dh's children too. Can he not take time off to help in emergencies.

It seems to me that you have an almost impossible job. Working almost full time with 2 dc and no support. It would tip anyone over the edge. Does your dh have to work away all the time. It's really rather convenient for him that it is all left to you it seems

I forgot to put in lots of ???

I am no expert on these things but know I wouldn't cope. My OH is home every night and we struggle with a 4.5 and 2.5 year old. To me work is easier than the constant 'mummy wipe my bum, mummy x did a wee on the floor, mummy x snatched, mummy x drew on the carpet .... ' and yet mine play together great when they are not tired etc. do do do go to see GP urgently and get Meds. Two friends of mine have suffered like this and it's dreadful. Your kids worship you and I have no doubt you are a fantastic mum - you just need a helping hand or two

Hi Op
How are you feeling today? Have you managed to book an appointment with a GP? X

Thanks again to everyone for listening. It means a lot to me.

I had a very bad night and woke up in the night crying but feel slightly better today strangely as I have been out at a couple of meetings. I don't know why but just being out and talking to other people with my work hat on makes me feel a bit better.

I am going to give it a few days and if still feel bad go to the GP. I also need more support from DH. Easier said than done though.

I can't really compare. I don't work as many hours. DH is home at 6pm. There were times I felt absolutely desperate.

But what I wanted to say is that it did get easier. One day they just start dressing themselves, getting themselves a drink, putting their own shoes on, and just reading a book for an hour.

I can't exactly say when. But just wanted to reassure you, it does change. It's not forever.

your dp sounds selfish to me. Why can't he get a different job/ put in a flexible working request to enable him to be more supportive.

Probably because he's a man and perceives his job as more important than yours. pah.

I'm with Tobysmum on this. I think your dh sounds selfish. You both have children. Why should you be a single parent with a job to do all week, whilst he conveniently works away? Child care should be shared, not dumped on one person who happens to work nearer than the other.

Perhaps he could do more but he works in a senior role in the city and his employer isn't that flexible. Would be great to hear how other couples deal with similar situations. The easiest thing would be if I gave up work (and I think he would prefer that) but there is no way in hell I would ever ever do that. When I am at work i feel happy, fulfilled, and respected. I walk tall. People stop and listen when I speak in meetings. I have a good, very hard own reputation in my field. Outside of work I feel like a drudge who can't even go to the toilet when I need to because of all the constant screaming, whingeing etc. I feel very small. I find the tension between my two selves hard to manage.

That should say hard won. Blinking phone.

Well tbh, I think one of your or both of you have to give a bit on this. Your current lifestyle is obviously difficult or you wouldn't be posting on here.

How can you make is easier for all of you all round?

Don't have much to add, other than that you're not alone! I have a 23 month old working 4 days feeling exactly the same. Any chance you can reduce hours a bit but keep the chilcare? can make a huge difference. I am a single mum and that is the only thing that has helped me..

I've just accepted that I have no life during the week & am more or less a single parent Mon-Fri.

However, I expect my DP to step up to the plate at the weekends. I've asked him to take the kids out at least a 1/2 day at weekends , to his parents overnight occasionally & that he should do 50% of household stuff (at least, and without being asked). The kind of things that give me a break.

OP, please don't give up work. It sounds like his life might be made easier (no "demands" on him) but yours would be worse.

I'd be booking a few weekends away for yourself too.

One thought... do you have space for an Au-pair? They are not expensive and could take the strain off you at those times when your DH is not around. Plus they will often provide baby sitting for a few much needed nights out either on your own or with your DH.

Hope your weekend was not too stressful xx

Thanks cheese and all you lovely ladies.

No room for an au pair. We may extend in the future, so who knows?

Had a chat with DH at the weekend as I couldn't stop crying when I woke up on Saturday morning. He is going to give me more time to myself at the weekend. Yesterday he took the kids out for a bit whilst I did a work out. So hopefully that is a positive sign xx

Well done.. Do keep it up. I have managed to get out twice this week - one social, one exercise and life feels very different Once the weekend routine is set you'll never look back

Please go and see your GP -or get a new one who understands. I think you may need some counselling to deal with underlying problems.

If your DH works in the city do you have money? If so use it! There are agencies you can use to help with emergency child care.
Paying for babysitters so you can get a little me time is fine too - I used to use them so I could keep up my book group.

Work: do you work as part of a team? Do you have a line manager? You need to have support, you sound very dedicated but you need to not have the whole burden on your shoulders. Everyone needs a plan B. What would happen if you got appendicitis?

Toohot - that's brilliant. Good for you. What did you do?

Mummytime- I think you are right about the counselling. I'll look into it.

Yes we are okay for money although most of it goes on the mortgage and childcare, as with most people! I have used emergency nannies before when working from home but am a bit nervous about leaving them with kids if they haven't met them before eg if I had a meeting I needed to go to. What do other people do in this situation?

Work-it's just me I am afraid, as I run my own business. I am looking to get a bit of help though as it grows.

Cinema and an exercise class was welcome break from work and childcare I am hoping emerge from 4.5 years of total child centred existence.
We used a number of the nursery staff as eve baby sitters as well as local friends. We used FT nursery both times as it never lets you down or takes random days off

satsuma it sounds like you're having really seriously low periods. It's such a shame that the first GP you saw dismissed it as a bad day. I really think you should see a GP now whilst you're feeling shitty but not so down that you don't have the energy to do anything about it. You've written so clearly about the pressure you're under and about how that sometimes makes you feel. It's worrying that you're having these thoughts, and it's clear to lots of us on this thread that you need help from your GP.

Goldfish- I know you are right but what will the the GP do? I felt so stupid when I went last year and I am embarrassed to go back and worried about what they might suggest.

The thing is, if you don't go back they will think it just went away. The fact it has continued is another symptom.
Did they give you blood tests last time? If not push for that - it would be awful if part of the problem was a pretty easily solvable problem, detectable by about £10 of tests.

Thanks Mummytime. What are the blood tests for?

Some years ago I was suffering stress and felt desperate and down. It's hard to go to the GP but so worth it. I'm my case it was work etc that was the issue and not clinical depression but it helped me work it through. I was also tested for aneamia