Both parents off work for extended period for PFB - Anyone else done this?

[Anticyclone]

My wife is due to give birth to our first very soon. I have finished work and do not plan on going back for the first 9-12 months of the baby's life. Over the last few years I have managed to build up some decent savings, and also my wife has very generous maternity pay - so we decided to take the opportunity and share the first year of the baby's life together at home.

Has anyone else done this? How did it go? Any advice?

The reason I ask is that 99% of the things I read seem to assume that there will only ever be one main carer for the baby (usually the mother) and it is harder to find accounts or advice on what it might be like for two parents sharing the job of bringing up a newborn.

We are planning for my wife to breastfeed, so I realise that she will be spending more time with the baby. I just want to do my best to help out and not do the wrong thing, but also I want to experience the joy and excitement of watching our new child grow and develop.

Baby groups are generally attended by mums. They provide an essential outlet, social and practical, for new mums to share experiences of being a new mum, dealing with baby, dealing with breast-feeding, lochia etc etc. I would guess most groups would feel quite inhibited with a bloke there too. Conversation isn't just about the baby, it's about the mum too and imo it's vital women can have those conversations without being inhibited by a bloke.

I didn't mean the parent would be surplus to requirements completely - badly phrased sorry. It's just that you don't really need two parents all day to deal with a baby beyond the first few months.

Dad working pt seems the ideal to me. It means mum has to get out there and find a support network (some people obviously are quite happy without, but I think most new mum value a network of mums in the same position), he's as involved as she is, and is able to save some cash for when actually it's REALLY useful to have an extra pair of hands - i.e. when no. 2 appears.

and when they're grunting bis teens it really won't matter one jot who was or wasn't at home for the first 12 months!

I think it would send me mad ( as much as I love my DH). One baby - after the first couple of months is actually not that bad and would be an absolute doddle for two parents. I suppose it would be a nice experience for you both but why not just save your money and share the maternity leave instead? First six months - mum, second 6 months dad. My first mat leave was spent in cafés, meeting mums and generally relaxing which would be lovely to do with hubby but also it's nice to make 'mum friends' which I don't think I would have been as inclined to do if DH was around, mind you I suppose I could have gone to the gym, shopping and relaxed much more if DH was on hand to help out too.

Now if my DH had been able to take more time off second time round .... That would have be a different story as two is bloody Hard but even then I like having 'my' maternity leave time with my boys before I have to go back to work.

I don't know, I can see both plus and cons and it depends why you are doing it - if it's because you want to help out because it's so hard I wouldn't bother because you'll be most likely twiddling your thumbs (& babies aren't that massively interesting before the first 6 months anyway!) but if it's to really enjoy that first year (I.e. Go on holidays, relax etc) then do it - I'm just not sure it's the best thing to do with your savings as I don't think anyone would massively gain from it.

I just wouldn't put so much emphasis on that first year - they are going to be around for a long time and when number two comes along an extended period doff then might be more helpful to everyone (although by then you may have realised that extended time off with a toddler is bloody hard work and any job might seem more appealing!)

Sorry for waffling

Well I've never discussed lochia at a baby group/class, and there are always at least one or two men at the ones I've been to. I find it sad that there are some people who think that men aren't welcome. What are single dads, or gay dads supposed to do?!

For a woman only group, the friends I made at NCT classes were invaluable. We would organise a womens meet up when we were all on maternity leave, as well as arranging whole group meet ups.

I'm completely with you titchy

My dh took four months of when I had twins , I really miss him now he has gone back to work , not just practically but the family time and being a team.

Baby groups without men allowed sound like something from another planet. Dads are in the minority, but there are always some men at all the baby groups I've attended - and some are run by men! FFS, fathers want to actually be a bit more than a convenient sperm donor sometimes, y'know?

I think the only baby class I went to that was 100% women was the mum & baby yoga class I attended - and that was understandable, as it was aimed at being a gentle class suitable for someone recovering from childbirth (as well as cake and socialising).

Actually I was specifically thinking about NCT groups. Obviously dads can go to baby groups. But where the purpose of a group is to provide an outlet for new mums, which NCT groups usually are (and actually most other baby groups - (let's be honest, at under 6 months they're of no benefit to the baby!), dads shouldn't really muscle in. And having dad at home for the whole year may well mean mum isn't as inclined to go out and about to such groups. If OP can make sure his wife goes then that's fine. And when baby is big enough for baby groups , both can go.

And yes there is a gap for gay dads, single dads etc.

But I still think if you have limited resources, ie time, save it for when you really need it.

Remember kids are for life not just the first year. If you want a truly bonding experience wait till baby no. 2 has arrived, then go travel for a year, while you can before school.

Thanks for all the replies.

The reason I want to do this is because I have always known for many many years that I wanted children. When I first met my wife in my early 20s I was the one asking her if she wanted to have kids in the future! And now my first child is almost here I'm excited about meeting them and spending time with them. I feel like I want to be a big part of my child's life.

I've heard many people say that the first year of their child's life was amazing in terms of watching them grow and develop and that they wouldn't have missed it for anything. But clearly some other people also think babies are boring at the beginning. But personally I think I'll find my views align with the former group of people.

To be honest this is just the start of me and re-aligning my entire life to be more family centric. I've already quit my job, so it's only forward from this point on! My wife's maternity pay will be enough to support us all for 6 months so we won't actually be using any savings at all until after that point.

I would like to get involved in parent and baby groups, maybe both with and without my wife. I hope I wouldn't be annoying or offending people if I attended? I realise women like to have a space without men sometimes, so I guess I'll have to get used to gauging people's reactions. We have an NCT group as well, but again I fear I'll be the odd one out, as it appears all the other dad's will be returning to work ASAP. I definitely don't want to stifle my wife's chance of making good mum friends, but I want to meet other parents too, so I guess I'll have to feel my way through it all.

I am aware that I'm entering a domain mostly filled with women (rather like this website), but that why I asked for your advice - thanks for all your thoughts.

I'm planning to go to lots of baby groups, especially as I don't really have any friends with children.

Little bit confused as to why having DH around would stop this. I know we can spend lots of time together without him driving me mad as we had a year when we both worked from home. I loved it and spent plenty of time socialising on my own as well.

I really find it sad the way people minimise men's roles with their children. In my case he's the one who'll be a SAHP once the year is up so I guess it's me who should bugger off back to work early so he can make get his routine sorted

Just because both parents are off work, doesn't mean they both need to attend everything together. The great thing about having 2 parents around means each one has time freed up for pursuing non-baby things too.

My (male) DP is going to be a SAHD to a 6 month old soon, and I see no reason why he shouldn't go to rhyme time or swimming or any other group they might like

Unless a group is specifically a post-natal or breastfeeding support group, I can't see any reason for a dad not to go.

Anticyclone Please do go to baby groups! There is generally one or two men there and they will be glad of the company!

Baby groups are for whoever is looking after the baby!

I can't comment on NCT groups. Mine had a worrying undercurrent of competitiveness (one woman entertained with huge buffet lunch 2 weeks after giving birth!) and middle class neurosis. I left sharpish!

DH took 2 months off when DS was born. Then went back to work 3 days a week until he was a year old and is now doing 4 days until he is 18 months. Then he'll go back full time. It been wonderful for both him and DS and it's lovely to see the bond they have.

We're in Sweden so this is pretty common as both parents are entitled to equal and extremely generous parental leave. On his parental day he takes sole charge of DS so I get a day to do what I want and he gets to go to toddler group and join in some singing.

I would have loved to have DH at home during mat leave, it would have been much easier and less lonely and boring.

Having said that, I agree that your time off/savings are best shared out rather than used all on one 9-12 month period. I'd save at least half the time for child 2 - you may well kick yourselves later if you don't and it will come around sooner than you think!

Also keep some savings back for if your new job plans don't work out quite as quickly or as well as you'd hoped... 2 part time jobs may be hard to find and you may want a financial cushion to cover you while you wait for the right job.

Just to say I have absolutely no problems with men going to baby groups - just the thought of both myself & DH going would be a bit of a pain because I wouldn't feel like I could just be fully myself, relax, moan about DH! (but maybe that says more about me than you!)

I understand that you want to see your PFB grow & develop but they will br doing that for the next 18years - if not longer. I found the development from 18months onwards much more fun as they start to become a little person. A baby literally does just sleep, poo & cry for the first 4 months which is exciting as its your first but I would just caution you that putting so much into that first year may be a bit shortsighted.