Baby blues and problem bonding - help, I don't like my newborn.

[Yith]

First time mum to a lovely boy now 10 days old. When he was born I felt that surge of love for him, he was perfect, and he lay on my chest and I wanted nothing more than to hold onto him forever.

Several days later and I look at his face, wondering where all those feelings went. I still love him, but I don't always like him, I am not entirely sure I am even find him handsome, and that makes me feel ashamed.

He cries a lot, when awake he wont let me put him down even for a minute, he is constantly needing to be rocked, fed, changed, and burped, and after ten hours straight of doing nothing else I'm finding myself growing used to his screams so they bother me less, and feeling cold to his smiles. My partner adores him, and constantly excitedly squirms at every happy sound and smile our baby makes, but I just see a needing baby that wont give me time to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep. There is nothing wrong with him, it's not colic, it is something wrong with me.

It wasn't suppose to be like this, I keep looking at him and saying "he's part of me, he came from me, he is my child" but my brain isn't connecting, he feels so distant. I cry a lot, sometimes even wonder if it was a mistake becoming a parent.

I am scared I wont fall in love with him.

Babies can't smile till they're 6/8 weeks old, intentionally. Which makes the first couple of months a slightly thankless task (IME) as you have no idea if you're doing anything right.

Keep up the skin-to-skin stuff, don't let your partner take over too much, and don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way.

I didn't really bond with ds1 in the beginning. I could've written this post.

Honestly don't beat yourself up, lots of mums feel like that. Newborns are relentless, they could be hired out as torture machines and until you have one yourself no one understands that. I felt the same about my first until one day when he was 3 weeks old and we were at a family do, he was being passed around (first grandchild!) and getting steadily grumpier and starting to cry so he was handed back to me.......and he stopped. Right them I remember thinking 'he actually prefers ME!' and that was the start of me beginning to bond and feel more confident. I promise you it will get better. Those first few months are a haze of feeding, crying and feeling like you never, ever get a minute to yourself but it passes. Once he starts smiling and interacting with you it will become easier to bond but for now don't expect so much from yourself, this is the reality that the ads, books and tv don't show you.

High this sounds perfectly normal as sleep deprivation kicks in its hard to connect with yourself about anything!

If you have anyone around leave the babe with them and have a bath and a nap if you can.

Sometimes I had to leave the room, and take a moment.
When my babe was wailing and I had tried everything to calm her, I used to step outside the room, just for a second or two to give myself permission to feel terrible, and I remember the frustration I had about her crying like it was yesterday. It really was the most thankless job.
I used boxes of tissues as I was crying so much myself.
Just 10 seconds for myself seemed so impossible.

Trying singing to him, and massaging him. You don't have to be in love to be an excellent mother to a newborn!! Indeed, you'll find as you get more sleep you'll feel much better about everyone and everything.

If you're thinking that things haven't improved by next week, let your GP know you're struggling a bit. Ask for help from everyone you know.

I also could have posted your post.

What you are feeling is completely normal. I didn't feel any connection until about 8 weeks. Don't put pressure on yourself. Xxx

It gets better. The first few months are a bit if a thankless slog. Think of it like a big hurdle you have to get over, but then it gets so so so much better I promise. I felt like you did about both my DC, my youngest is now 15 weeks & it's only now that I feel like I'm starting to really love him. It's hard when they're a newborn - they're such hard work & your hormones are going crazy. Hang on in there.

Don't expect to adore him for several months at least. You have just had a massive shock, physical especially that your dh hasn't had. It will take time for you body and mind to adjust.

Try and accept that you will worry about bonding with him, along with all the other new worries you have discovered. I remember the first month or so just being worry and tired.

Congratulations,
Kxx

Totally normal, it took forever with my first, I'd happily have given him to my mum, all comes good though! Xxxx

I used to look at my newborn in awe, but no gooey surges of love at all. It does kick in- chatter and smile and make eye contact, even if you're not 'feeling it' it kicks off something in both your brains and it will come.

I felt exactly like you op. It gets better like others have said.

Just go through the motions it will get better. You are a great mum by going through the motions. I found reading adult material to baby helpful, I recited and eventually memorised lots of poems which I enjoy. Or read baby your favourite novel out loud. Baby is comforted by your voice, you get to enjoy your fave book! I listened to lots of radio, especially radio 4 as it seems like adult company.

I put baby in a sling for the first three months, it really helped both my dc. I could wander round etc (even go to the loo!). Baby was soothed, could smell me. Maybe borrow one from a sling library to see how you get on. You may find baby is far more content snuggled into you.

I found it helpful to look at the first three months as the fourth trimester. Baby still thinks s/he is part of me and hates being alone. Many people find it hard.

I wrote a diary for baby, detailing new things s/he did that day. Just in a hardback book. This may give you focus - stick photos in, pictures of gifts. Lists of visitors etc. you are creating a lovely gift for your baby. (I didn't spend hours on it just leave it on the side and add bits to it). I wrote letters to baby about his or her day.

Plus try and get out for a good walk once a day, again I used a sling baby often slept for the entire walk but I still chatted to him pointing things out along the way!

Good luck and keep smiling (even if they are fake smiles) xx

I too could have written your post 7.5 years ago. God, it was so hard! I remember crying in the kitchen to DH wailing 'I didn't think it would be like this!!!' I also didn't have that overwhelming love and adoration that I thought I would - I just felt trapped.

BUT it got better and I went on to have 3 DCs (madness!). I found it so much easier with the next 2 as I knew what to expect.

I totally agree with pps who've suggested speaking to your HV or GP if you don't feel any better in the next week or so. New babies are exhausting. It's totally relentless and I remember it so well.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want

OP, huge sympathy. It is like that for a lot of new mothers, and it does feel absolutely awful when it's happening. I spent my son's first couple of months gabbling frantically about finding someone to foster him, and how it had been a horrible mistake. I now feel intermittently sad and ashamed that his early life was a nightmare to me, but I won't lie, I can't look back on that time with anything other than fear and panic. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

As a previous poster said, think of yourself as someone recovering from a massive trauma, and be kind to yourself. The bond will come of itself, don't worry about that - and life after your baby has started to bond with you us much, much easier and more rewarding.

You sound as if you are doing an excellent job, if the opinion of an Internet stranger helps at all.

If hes crying and smiling could he have wind? Try some infacol maybe.
Also I think everyone feels like that in the beginning. I remember quite clearly and more than once looking at dd and thinking what have I done. It will pass and one day in a few short weeks you'll notice its gotten much much easier. The wind wont be a problem. Feeds will be less frequent and they will probably be more agreeable to being put down. I promise it wont last long. Take care.

Omg this was me. I thought it would never get better, but it doesI promise you! The worst thing about it all was the guilt I felt, just like you.

My ds is 5 months old and I can't stop kissing him hugging him and say I love you a million times a day. Sounds like being in love - I am! It will come to you , truly it will x

I never felt fulfilled by motherhood, and it is still slightly strange to hear myself being called mum as I don't really identify as a mum. I have just had my 3rd and was surprised that I fell in love with him immediately, as I didn't with the other two. My dd was born screaming and never shut up. She had colic, reflux and was a very difficult baby. She is now 6 and I really struggled to bond, and truth be told, it is not always easy even today. Just look at your baby and keep saying aloud "I love my baby". Focus happy thoughts. You don't need to push aside the "bad" thoughts, just overwhelm them with happy ones. DS1 was an easy baby, and it really helped with the bonding. Same with DS2.

Put the baby in a sling and go about your daily activities. They are much soothed by the rocking motion and if you have a baby that cries a lot it is a godsend. You should always be able to kiss the baby's head in a sling, so make the most of it and keep kissing. Eventually your tenderness for your baby will grow. Even though I struggled with my first, I knew deep down that I would fight to the death if anything had happened to her. Your emotions are all over the place at the moment, give yourself time.

Just re-read my post, just to explain, I love (and wanted!) my 3 children dearly, it is just that for me becoming a mother was a learning curve and not something that happened as soon as baby was born. Add to that the physical, hormonal and emotional trauma of birth, and no wonder it take a while to get your whereabouts. Add a difficult baby and you are on your knees. Although obviously you love your children, it doesn't necessarily make you blind to their imperfections.

16 weeks, that's when I realised I did love this baby. Mind you still times I don't always like her now 16 month old mountain goat. I didn't get rush of love or anything like that. It crept up on me bit at a time. Big hugs.

Second all the suggestions of a sling. I had a Moby wrap and I wore it all day and popped the baby in and out . You can be naked underneath and still look vaguely decent so when I was at home I would often pop them in a just a nappy against my naked skin.

They spent most of the time asleep which gave me a chance to get stuff done and chill out a bit. They were also much cuter asleep for a good long time, after a while I started smiling at their little huffs and lip smacks and that slowly grew to love.

Sometimes when it got really hard I put them in their cot for five minutes or so and went somewhere I couldn't hear them cry. Often they were picking up on my stress and anxiety and it was making them worse. A bit of distance helped us both, because either they calmed down/ went to sleep or I got a second wind and could walk back with a smile on my face.

Newborns are really really hard, not everyone loves that stage. But, oh it gets so much better as they grow. My two are 9 and 5 and they are beyond awesome.

My DD is 11 weeks old and I felt exactly like this for the first few weeks. Now she sleeps longer, smiles at me and can be put down on a bouncy chair/play mat long enough for me to wash up or eat a sandwich. It's so much easier to love them when it all gets a bit more relaxed/predictable.

IME the first few weeks were hell. I just went through the motions and clung on to my sanity!!