Please give me tips of dealing with sibling arguments.

[slipslipslippy]

DD's are 3 and 6 and cannot be together without arguing. It is enough to drive me up the wall.

Mainly dd1 is bossy and likes to mother dd2. This can involve telling dd2 off, telling her how to do something instead of letting dd2 work it out and generally wanting to be in charge/be the boss all the time.

DD2 hates this. Quite rightly she considers herself dd1's equal and doesn't see what right dd1 has to tell her what to do or how to behave.

This results in arguments or dd2 lashing out at dd1 in frustration. DD1 then comes crying to saying 'dd2 has just hit me/pinched me' etc etc. I then have to tell dd2 off because hitting is unacceptable but I do really sympathise with dd2. I would feel like hitting out as well if someone kept criticising me or trying to stop me playing.

DD1 is a complete fun sucker. She sucks all the fun out of life for dd2. Even at the water park the other day, dd2 was running around enjoying herself, having fun. DD1 kept stopping her, telling her off, telling her where to go, what to do etc. In the end dd2 hit dd1 in the stomach (not a punch) and then ran away from dd1. I had to call dd2 over to tell her off. This completely spolied dd2's fun and dd1 was the instigator. I am so fed up of this that I lost my temper and told dd1 that she keeps ruining dd2's fun, made her stand next to me, outside the play area and then proceeded to show her how much more fun dd2 has without her.

I know this was unaccountable. DD1 just look confused. In the end I sent her back into play. She doesn't understand what she is doing wrong and I must be explaining it really badly because she just doesn't get it.

I can't cope with 6 weeks of this .. please help

Can you think of a silly code word that you will call/say to dd1 when she is getting too big for her boots?
It will remind her without telling her off, and ensure she knows that ignoring your special code means that x will happen?

Failing that, you need to step in sooner.
You watched dd1 boss dd2 about to the point of utter misery and frustration that she lashed out.
Dd1 should have been called over and warned sooner imo.

You are right there whereisegg. I should have stopped it sooner.

Okay, Slip, but you talk about your DD1 much more negatively than your DD2.

I have a friend with daughters very similar to yours (except they are grown up now). My friend totally failed to address the issue when they were little (so well done to you for spotting it early) and her DD1 is a very bossy, unhappy young woman.

In their case, I think the Mum needed to have been a lot less bossy and controlling herself (DD1 was pretty much just copying the behaviour of someone she adored), and I think she played favourites, though never admitted it. Her DD1 needed lots more hugs really.

OP, thinking ahead for the long term, don't be too quick to quash your DD's 'bossiness', but perhaps re-frame it in a positive way - have a look at this link:

banbossy.com/parent-tips/

The G.I.R.L problem solving protocol at the very back of the PDF might be useful for your elder DD to apply to the situation where she feels her sibling is "in the wrong".

TinklyLittleLaugh - I am just going to ignore all the loaded comments in your last post.

Thanks for the link BigFoot - will have a look now

Slip I am genuinely trying to be helpful here. You have described your six year old as "bossy", a "fun sucker", a "tale teller", a "gloater". Poor kid.

I'm out of this now since you have obviously decided you have done nothing wrong here, and it's all about your naughty DD.

Your dd1 is three years older than dd2? I think they should be treated differently. We always let our dd1 go up to bed 10 mins later as she was 2 years older than her sister.

Why are you treating your toddler the same as your schoolgirl? (Don't want to sound nasty or rude. Just curious)

Thanks Humps. Glad its not just me who doesn't look at their dc with rose tinted glasses.

Writing that dd1 is an angel with no faults isn't going to help solve this issue.

And I think if you read the thread properly, you would see I have accepted plenty of responsibility.

But I won't accept that I have a favourite. Because it simply isn't true.

In this house all the dc have a bath at 6pm, then its teeth, story and bed.

Regardless of age they are in bed by 7pm.

If anything it should be dd2 who gets to stay up late because dd1 has to go to school the next day and then has her activities. DD1 needs the sleep. DD2 can rest at home after nursery.

I said what worked for me. It is really important not to treat them exactly the same. Because it won't be long before you can't. And if they aren't used to it, all hell is going to break loose.

And I have a 14 year old and an 18 year old who are really good friends and haven't properly fallen out for about 10 years.

Dd2 knows there is stuff she cannot do because she isn't old enough yet (see previous comment re. beavers etc)

It's not going to come as a shock that she's younger.

I wouldn't worry about privileges or going to bed earlier/later.

You aim to treat them fairly. If one needs more sleep or actually it is easier to get both in bed together then so be it.

It feels like quite a small issue - DD1 is bossy, she copies you. So that's the bit to work on. She might "tell tales" - 6 year olds do that. My two do it already - firstly I try not to take sides as I didn't see it happen. Second of all I tell them what they should do in such situations. It is bloody hard though.

I just think dd2 is perhaps putting on her bossy caring act because she wants to be YOU. She wants to please you and misguidedly thinks by controlling dd2 that she is pleasing you. You clearly adore them both but she is the one hoping to impress you: dd2 is a baby. She only pleased herself!

Maybe dd1 needs to have that precious time with mummy who will then be able to reassure her that she's fab and a good big sister.

On a positive note OP, dd1 is obviously very fond of dd2: it's just proving difficult!