Dd2 and me just clash ALL the time, and it's getting me down so much

[emkana]

Dd1 (5) is so easy and delightful and always has been really.
Dd2 (3) is always up to something or other, and always pushing the boundaries, and couldn't care less if she gets told off. On the other hand she is extremely clingy and has to be peeled off me at playgroup. Both sides of her are just getting me down so much, I just feel that we have a constant personality clash and it makes me feel like a really rubbish mother. She pushes all my buttons and I'm constantly telling her off. I always try and start the day positively, but things quickly go downhill. I do try and praise good behaviour, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Star charts etc. work for a short time, but then being naughty appeals to her more again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Hi, emkana

DD2 and I were like this (and DD1 was an angel too). We were up and down all the time - really down sometimes - but when she wasn't being difficult she could be delightful and I bet yours can as well.

You aren't a rubbish mother, trust me. DD2 was at her worst when DS1 was little and that was without any of the health probs you've had. She will get easier gradually as she gets older, and you will get better at dealing with her - it took me a long time to learn not to react when she was trying to provoke and that is the best way to go if you can manage it.

DD2 is 21 now and we get on really well most of the time (she still has her moments mind you) and she insists that she is glad that I was firm (very very firm sometimes) with her because it stopped her running totally amok!

Emkana

Do you think she might be reacting to the fact that she is no longer the 'baby' of the family?

don't know really she's been a handful from the day she was born really = already a totally different baby to dd1, more demanding and clingy.

Hello?

Sorry seawitch
it's great to read your experiences, from somebody who has gone through this and lives to tell the tale!
She does have great moments and can be very affectionate and very funny.
Atm she is actually sitting on my lap because she woke up crying, so I thought we'd have a nice cuddle to make up for all the shouting.

As long as she knows that you love her, I wouldn't sweat the small stuff!

I have to be super firm with dd too (very 'spirited' child), and find myself yelling at her like a harridan at times...but she knows I love her, and when she is being ammenable I praise her to the hilt.....as I am sure you do with dd2

Thanks hmc, you're probably right. I do praise her when she's good.

I read in this book once that children want to be good and that they want to please you. With dd1 this is totally true, but with dd2..

That's exactly how mine was, emkana!

I'm sure if she had come along first I would have been different with her - the contrast between the feisty/clingy one and the easy one makes it hard to handle instinctively. DD1 at 3 was a social butterfly, loved to visit, would disappear in a gang; DD2 would lean against my legs and mither when I was trying to talk to people and I just wanted her to flit off with the gang too.

She was (and is) also v affectionate and funny when the social pressure was off, and is a really lovely girl now she's semi-grown-up, with loads of friends.

Enjoy your snuggle now, try to have a good day tomorrow, but don't beat yourself up if it keeps happening; Sebastian being around is definitely an issue and will continue to be but she will love him just as much as you do

This is it Ursula = dd1 has always been so good at making friends and getting involved with stuff, dd2 is clinging to me and it annoys me so much sometimes, but then I feel guilty for being annoyed... [sigh]

I do feel that I am esp. hard on her sometimes because I have dd1 to compare her to, which I suppose isn't really fair either.

Am as usually full of best intentions for tomorrow, I hope it will go okay...

Hi emkana, my dd is very spirited and 'willful'(!) too and I would say has been since she was born. Ds, a year older has always been very calm, eager to please, easy child. Dd was a whirlwind.

Dd and I have always seemed to clash on lots of occasions particularly at your dd's age. But now suddenly we seem much closer (she's 8 now), which, dare I admit is because i think i can now see how similar we are! Also, when I see similar children now, I can see in other people's children how it is just their temperant, that they are still lovely and still very young, but when dd was little I just saw her pushing against every boundary going! I perhaps wish now that i'd accepted the temperament she was born with a little more and gone with it.

I know that is of little help and my dd can still drive me to distraction within minutes! Is your dd quite bright? My dd did everything very early, along with trying to keep up with an older but not very older brother (now 9). My mum always said I was quite like my dd as I was quite advanced and so was often frustrated and tanted! I'm still very impatient and impulsive now!

Oh god, I know, the guilt, the guilt - I still have a lot of mine (I keep it in a box in the attic )

Make the most of the chance, like tonight, to give her extra attention; just keep going as best you can; and remember that you love her, and that really she knows she know you love her, and that is the most important thing.

(Kids like this do seem to struggle with the concept of positive attention - they see the easy one getting it without trying, and it seems as if the only way they can compete is by being difficult and getting negative attention - it's bizarre but they almost seem to prefer it that way )

my dd was. and is, also much clingier than ds ever was - even though outwardly she sometimes seemed more confident.

Quite a good day withd dd2 today, but I'm dreading tomorrow because she's already crying at the thought of going to Playgroup.