Getting toddler to obey without losing my temper

[MoRaw]

I simply cannot figure out how to get my now 2 and a half year old son to do as I say. Am I expecting too much? Is it that toddlers generally want to do their own thing and one has to resort to bribes to get anywhere with them?

If he decides he does not want to do something, then we are unlikely to make much headway with him. It's all "no", and "I don't want to". He is not tempted by stickers. I have to bribe him (threaten to take away toys, etc). I am rather demoralized by the whole thing. Getting him to bed is probably the worse of all. He is in bed by 8pm but won't nod off until 10pm or so. He will talk, talk, talk. Sing, fidget, call out to me, etc. It drives me to madness. Sometimes I just want to smack his bottom but I doubt that would help the situation.

Is this just normal toddler behaviour and if so, how do you get them to behave and do as told?

Have a positive approach. Don't lose your temper. You need to understand his motivations and work around that.

I don't think smacking is ever an answer unless you like being a bully.

... how do I go about understanding the motivations of a 2 and a half year old? How can I reason with him? Any tips would be appreciated. He is a lovely little boy but can be as stubborn as a mule. I notice that the more I push the more he digs his heel in. At the same time, I cannot simply let him have his way.

I really do find it maddening.

I use counting to three with my DS who is the same age. He knows he has that long and if doesn't do what I ask he goes for time out for 2 mins.

Does he still nap? I found dropping that actually made the day easier and he happily goes to bed at 7 because he is shattered.

The counting seems to work well because he knows the consequence. No for whatever reason doesn't work as well.

Good luck

Yes it's normal. It's easier if you try to see things from their point of view. Expecting blind obedience is definitely too much. Two year olds are not compliant by nature, but most of them love to join in which means that co-operation is very appealing to them as long as you present it in the right kind of way. You don't want to be using threats and bribery for most things, I've found.

This is a good site

A two year old is separating from yo uand finding his own feet as a person. THat separation by necessity must have a certain degree of rebellion as he starts to take a little control of himself and his life.

Saying no is a good thing and may actually save his life one day, so his independance is to be encouraged.

You can understand his motivations because you too are human yet you have many more years experience than him.
The more you push the more he will rebel- of course he will. You need to be more creative unless you want a totally authoritarian relationship with him.

He cannot have his way , but he must feel that he has some control. You as the adult need to engineer ways of allowing him to feel in control of areas that you can relinquish.
"What colour socks would you like today- red or blue?" " Which cup?" "Choose a story book" "Apple or banana" " Which toy to take out with us?"

Offer many many choices through the day - although two options are enough- more is likely to confuse. He will expend all his natural motivation to control and it will defuse the areas where he has more limited choice.

Never get mad. Be cheerful, sing, create character with your hand, keep the pace cheerful but firm. A two year old has lilited ability to understand reasoning, so keep it simple.
Bedtimes need to be relaxed, loving and cosy, however you do it. A child with a full tummy and perhaps after a warm bath, cuddle and a story or a song will find sleep comes more easily.

A good site Bertie, with some great tips. I never punish or use time outs.

All of the above, plus, you need to pick your fights carefully! Does it really matter if he's singing to himself in bed? DSS has always slept as soon as his head hits the pillow, DSD will lie awake for hours before nodding off. Some people just need that time to wind down I think. I have a 2.5yr old as well and have just changed his nap from 1-3 ish to 1-2 and it has made a world of difference at bedtime, he is much more ready to sleep at 7. Saying that, he chatted to his teddies until about 8pm before he went quiet and (I presume) nodded off.

*chatted to his teddies tonight until 8, that should read

Ahaparenting as Bertie recommends has been my savior. Sign up for the emails and read them as they come through. Also, pick your battles. everyone says it, but its so true.

I notice that the more I push the more he digs his heel in. At the same time, I cannot simply let him have his way.

yes, you probably can, at least some of the time.

I watched a dad this morning at school drop off insist that his nursery aged daughter make a decision about whether she wanted to take her coat or leave it in the car. After far too much discussion, she decided to take it. He then insisted she wear it. She refused. He insisted some more. Cue major tantrum at 8.55 just when he needed it least.

I'm not saying this is something you would do, but something's just don't matter enough to have a battle over when you've got a willful or independent child.

We mum's of older kids have all been there and made the same mistakes. When you look back, a lot of it really didn't matter.

Like bug says, unless it's dangerous or a definite no no, I'd let him have some control. In our household the broad rules for ds, 2.10, are: no throwing, no physical aggression, no screens after dinner, no toys at the table and no waking the baby! Everything else he's given some control, within reason. I also use aha parenting and have found it helpful for me as a short tempered mummy. That said, giving choices doesn't work for ds as he'll repeat both options, and counting to three just results in him continuing the count to ten! So it also depends on the temperament of your child. One thing to remember, if a toddler perceives pressure then they will likely resist! So the trick is to grit your teeth and remain calm and breezy

It's not easy though, I feel you!

Making things fun or a game worked well for me.

relocator- I agree- " A Spoonful of Sugar" however cliched does actually work.