Hi,
Firstly I'm not your normal mumsnet poster as I'm not a mum. In fact I'm a late twenties son looking for advice & help from other mums perspective over how my mum has been acting recently. I'll start from the beginning:
I got engaged recently to my beautiful fiancé, we decided we wanted a small intimate wedding abroad just immediate family only and then a large party back in the UK at a later date so everyone else can celebrate.
We initially picked Thailand as we both love South East Asia & found a stunning hotel we could get married in. We then mentioned this plan to my mum, who to put it politely didn't like this idea - granted she isn't the most confident of traveller, but at this stage it was just an idea & we wanted to gauge other peoples thoughts.
A large row then commenced, now I generally have a good relationship with my mum and we hardly row. But this was a full on screaming match (I hold my hands up to the part I played, it takes two to argue) but she was calling me names, bringing up things from the past from years ago and then decided in fact we only picked Thailand because we knew my finances parents could go and my family was just an after thought - Which is an utter fabrication, my fiancés parents were almost told at the exact time.
Now after we all calmed down (as dad got involved and my fiancé got involved) me and my other half decided that having family there was important to us so we would need to change the destination. Second on our list was Italy, but before we even looked at venues etc. I spoke to mum and said if we did it in Italy would you be able to travel there, she said yes.
Now 3 weeks later everyone is booked, accommodation sorted and a stunning venue found, we are all now looking forward to the day or so I thought....
Mum is now continually picking fights with me about everything, about the way we have planed the wedding (it's only 3 months away), about how we have not yet told extended family our plans (give us a chance it was only booked last week!). But she is now getting very personal, calling me names, slagging off my character, saying we don't want them there (we moved out wedding to another continent for her!), bringing up the past with texts like "you've always taken us for granted" and won't drop, forget or forgive the argument we had, it's as if she wants to constant re-live it everyday.
Now I'm a bloke and I know mums would like us to be more in touch with our emotions but I'm not a bad egg. I was not a problem child, I did will at school, I've worked since I was 17, I left home at 20 and been financially independent ever since. So I'm not sure where all this resentment is stemming from? And now when I open up to her and say "your making me feel bad" or "you are making me and my soon to be wife feel you don't want us to marry" she doesn't say sorry, she accuses me of saying that just to be cruel and has the cheek to say "oh it's always about you isn't it" - so one minute I'm too closed off, then next I'm one of these people who is all me me me?
I can't get through to her, and in less than a month my relationship with my mum is rock bottom, and she even text me to say "there is no relationship left". I'm getting married in 3 months, what rational mother thinks throwing around statements like that so close to a life defining event is a good idea? She twists everything into a negative, anytime we talk on the phone she says "why say it in that tone" or if I message her and forget to put a 'kiss' on the end it's because I'm a bad child. So I've decided to ignore her for a week or so, but then get a barrage of texts telling me I'm "not making enough of an effort", "if I don't contact her today the entire family will know what you think of them"
I try and find excuses for my mum, I believe she is going through the menopause and do stand up for her. But my fiancé sees or hears all that she says, and now she is upset for me and she now thinks my mum doesn't approve of our me marrying her, because there is no rationale for verbal abuse I'm getting.
I'm out of ideas and I'm exhausted. And I can't find excuses for her anymore, she is hell bent on creating an atmosphere for the entire lead up to the wedding and no doubt on the day. I'm considering asking her not to come.