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Help...I'm going to shoot my mother!

21 replies

robin3 · 11/09/2006 08:48

Absolutely at my wits end my my parents. We have a 2.5yr old and a new born. We have just moved house and have had to move in with then for a month...I know this is suicide but here we are!

The thing is that my mother thinks she knows it all when it comes to kids and both she and my father chip away at us all the time with criticisms. Our toddler is a very active and happy little boy who does like to dictate what goes on and who goes where. He is also often bad mooded when he's tired and/or hungry BUT in general he's very obedient and as long as we keep his energy channeled in the right direction he's easy to look after and amuse. At the weekend he lost the plot over something silly (can't even remember what!) and whilst his tantrum was kicking off he bit me. I ignore his tantrums until he calms down and if he bites me I ignore that too generally because I've always found that withdrawing attention is the best method of regulating his behaviour but my Mum got involved and said that he needs to sit on a naughty step (like Supernanny) and then went on to say that she thinks we're scared of our son and he is running the house...he shouldn't be having tantrums like that and that she thinks he grizzles too much. My Father also commented this weekend on the fact that he's rather noisy and that he's worried about him going to a boys school...basically they seem to feel that their view is welcome on everything.

This time I stood up to my Mum and it resulted in an all out arguement. Since then she's been trying to be so nice but I can't bring myself to talk to her and I know that she is still bitching to my Dad about our parenting technique. We're stuck staying with them for the next 4 weeks and even when we're not it will eat away at me. My DP empathises with me but wants me to pretend nothing has happened to just make it pleasant again.

What can I do....how can I make them see that my son is normal and that our technique might not be televised but it works for us?

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trinityshiftingherleatheryarse · 11/09/2006 08:57

I completely sympathis with you, We had to live with my parents for three months just after I had dd1 and it was a NIGHTMARE to say the least. I think she is out of order trying to tell you how to discipline you kids but i have no idea what you could do , sorry
One thing that helped me to ignore and try not toargue when my parents obviously disaproved of how i was taking care of dd1 was that it's been a long time since they had abaies and toddlers and they just don't remember what they did. not much help but Good Luck

throckenholt · 11/09/2006 09:05

write her a note - say you appreciate very much being able to stay there when you needed to. Then say you appreciate it must be difficult for them to have the kids around fulltime - they are not used to it. And they may have different ideas on how things should be. BUT - you have developed a system over time that works for you and your kids. Ask her to be tolerant and let you do things your way. Say you are sure she had similar issues when she was bringing you up. There is NO right or wrong way - but you have found something that works for you at the moment.

fairyjay · 11/09/2006 09:10

I know it's irritating, but your parents are obviously getting you out of a hole (ie. homeless!), so you need to say that although it's difficult, tolerance is necessary on both sides.
And maybe let them know that you are grateful for their help when you need it - just not in the child rearing department!

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robin3 · 11/09/2006 10:13

I know they're doing us a favour but I feel so gutted that I'm going to have to live for the rest of my life knowing that they think I failed my kids!

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throckenholt · 11/09/2006 10:22

they don't think that - they are just struggling to cope with boisterous kids fulltime - they have forgotten what it is like. Tell them you appreciate they want to help - but them commenting feels like big criticism to you and it is not helping at the moment - maybe when you are less stressed about moving house and not having your own space, and imposing on your parents it might be ok - but now it is NOT helping.

Dior · 11/09/2006 10:22

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 11/09/2006 10:31

Right - I'm going to be the devils advocate here, why don't you consider listening to what they are saying?
I'm not saying that they are right and it's very likely that they are just unnerved with having small children around BUT imo you always have to consider the possiblity that your darling children are appearing like brats to other people. And I mean that in all walks of life, not just with your parents.
You have a system in place but it is no harm to be flexible and suggest to your ds that he has to behave in his gp's house and maybe even use the naughty step occasionally. It's not going to do him any harm and it may help to keep the peace for the next couple of weeks.

ScummyMummy · 11/09/2006 10:33

Would bet lots and lots of money that this is nothing to do with the details of your parenting- as everyone else has said. I would guess this is about you all being cooped up together and finding each other profoundly irritating, as families tend to do. Your boy being a normal toddler is convenient fodder for battleground but if he was behaving like an angel something else would come up to disagree about, I'm sure! It's only normal when the family order is mucked about for tension to emerge, no matter how lovely all the individuals concerned. I would make sure you are out of the house as much as humanly possible and ensure that you can leave in the shortest amount of time. Don't let anything interefere with getting out of there asap. And in the meantime don't take anything your ma says to heart! I bet she thinks you're great really.

ScummyMummy · 11/09/2006 10:34

sorry not everyone else. but some.

robin3 · 11/09/2006 12:38

What she actually said was that most toddlers don't grizzle and that he was having the tantrums because we aren't strong enough with him. In other words we as parents are causing him at 2.5 yrs old to exhibit this toddler behaviour.

Of course I've got to put up with it and no doubt they could do a whole lot better.

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throckenholt · 11/09/2006 12:41

unless your mum has spent much of her life working with toddlers (say in a nursery) then I would take her comment with a pinch of salt.

My toddlers have been known to grizzle and tantrum - I think most toddlers do to a greater or lesser extent.

robin3 · 11/09/2006 12:48

She used to run a Playgroup and she used to hit me with a wooden spoon when I was a toddler...she told me.

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Berrie · 11/09/2006 12:53

Just a thought to add though I myself am super sensitive to any perceived critisism from my mum and will stew over things for weeks, but when my brother recently had a first baby, I found it really really difficult because I wanted so much to give the bebfit of my experience but realised that I was interfering when I did. I want to say things because I love him and want to help and it's a really difficult path to tread. It made me wonder how fair I'd been to my Mum when we were in the same situation and also realise how much I'd overreacted. Try and see their comments as them loving you all and trying to share their wisdom. I'm chortling to myself now because I am SOOO intolerant of my own mother! They really should have the wisdom to know that parents have to do things their own way should'nt they? I wonder if we'll have forgotton that by the time its our turn?

ScummyMummy · 11/09/2006 15:04

Gosh- poor you re wooden spoon. She sounds like her ideas about disciplining kids are old fashioned and would nowadays be considered abusive. Still think it's possible that this is about you all getting on top of each other though. The balance of power is all wrong. You guys should be the supreme power but you're not because you're in their house. Is there really nowhere else you can stay?

theUrbanDryad · 11/09/2006 15:14

i am 23 weeks PG and have had to really bite my tongue re my mother's advice, for example "no, you shouldn't have sex when pregnant because you could have a miscarriage!" i should add that my mum was 45 when she had me, and her views have always been a little old-fashioned. it's easier of course, because i don't live with her! i don't think that at 2.5 years old grizzling and tantrums are anything abnormal, nor do i think that a "naughty step" idea works for everyone (especially if you already have a system in place). i would probably say that your DS will grow out of these tantrums in time, but then i'm only PG with my first now, so i wouldn't necessarily know ! good luck though! it's an awkward situation and no mistake!

Iklboo · 11/09/2006 15:19

You do know that the Chinese symbol for "war" used to be a pictogram of 2 women under one roof?
I sympathise. I don't think I could live with parents or in laws

robin3 · 11/09/2006 15:29

Berrie...that actually makes me feel a lot better and yes you're right because I know she's not doing it to hurt me.

Scummy...I don't actually remember it. She told me and how much she regrets resorting to that.

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Berrie · 12/09/2006 08:19

Glad it helped. Gosh you're in such a difficult situation! makes me feels weak even to imagine the horror!!!

robin3 · 14/09/2006 09:48

For those who offered sympathy and encouragement on my post I thought I'd update you by letting you know that in the space of a few days they have spent lots of time with DS and have decided that he's actually very good for his age and very compliant and great fun!!!!!!!

Dad did mention he thought his hair was too long though....looking like a girl apparently GRRRRR!

Of course no apology has been forthcoming.

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kitbit · 14/09/2006 20:05

Glad things have improved! We don't live with inlaws (thank goodness!!) but whenever we mention that we are thinking of doing such and such there's always a knowing look between them, a barely discernable sigh of relief and MIL cannot stop herself saying "well of course we thought you should do that ages ago". Added to that they always bitch to me about SIL's parenting techniques so I know they have been sounding off about ours to all and sundry...so I share your frustration and offer lots of sympathy!

It's hard, and your parents are clearly under the impression that because they are helping you out they have a right to voice their opinions which is hard when it comes to grandkids, but I think you are handling it really well. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and if you don't want to use the naughty step then don't! Don't let any parental goading push you into doing things in a way that doesn't feel right for your family.

For what it's worth if I was 2 and a half I think I'd have also sensed the tension in the house and I reckon there would have been a lot more than just a few displays of normal toddler frustration by now! Bah, take no notice.

Berrie · 14/09/2006 20:27

Glad to hear things are better for you. My own DSis a similar age also with longish hair. It's always older people in the street who ask how old SHE is or what HER name is. I don't understand why they don't notice the digger tops etc.
Having said that, another Mum called my baby girl a little boy the other day...she was wearing her brother's old clothes!

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