at wits end please help

[wheresthelight]

I am at breaking point and I don't know where to turn. Dd is 10 months 3 weeks old and for aboutvthe last 8-10 weeks has had the most awful separation anxiety. Nothing has changed in her routine or anything but as a result she is fighting sleep. Up until this point she has slept beautifully but this is killing me. It doesn't matter if I cuddle her or leave her she cries amd screams.

She is bottle fed amd always fed om demand and weaning has been going brilliantly. She has self weaned to 2-3 bottles a day.

Tonight has taken over 3 hours to get her to settle. I cannot take this. She has had the same routine since birth, nappy change and pj's on then milk around 7-8pm, story, cuddles and her lullabies on (baby monitor plays them) and then laid I'm her cot and left to settle. She self settles and slept thru at 8 weeks and nothing has changed except the odd night where we have been away so she has slept in the car and then been transferred to bed. But lately this isn't working. I have tried the edging closer to the door thing amd had no effect except make the crying worse, tried cuddling her to sleep and cosleeping but she wriggles away and walks about and then screams if you try to stop her, and have tried controlled crying but nothing is working. HV was less than useless and I am feeling like such a shit mother that I cannot get my baby to settle.

Her dad works nights so can't help although he does try to help on his nights off but she screams more if he does bedtime. My mum makes all sorts of comments about not agreeing with stuff I do because it's not how she did it so I can't go to her and the only other relative I am close to just said "oh well she will grow out of it" but I cannot carry on.

She is starting to teeth but I don't think it's her teeth as this started long before them and even calpol and ibuprofen is having no impact as the second I open her door she stops so it is all about me but what can I do? I have spent 3 hours on and off on the stairs sobbing

Do you think she would settle with you just sat in the room? Keep the room dark, and maybe just lay your hand on her so she knows you are there? Leave the door slightly ajar so she cant hear you leave and generally leave her sleep a good 15/20mins before leaving the room?

Does she have a soft toy or similar comforter? Dd took to a jellycat Mouse toy at around seven months and at nearly three still takes Mouse to bed with her for comfort. Could you add a suitable cuddly toy into her bedtime routine (snuggled up when you have milk anf also given at nap.time)

Nothing really useful to say, but just be reassured that this is a phase and it will end! I have spent countless hours, probably adding up to weeks of my life, trying to settle my babies.

Good luck

Hacked tried it and she refuses to lie down and just screams. She has cuddly toys one in particular but she has taken to throwing them across the room in temper.

She shares a room with dsd when she is here so I need this to stop because I cannot have 3 hours of screaming when dsd has school the next day it simply isn't fair. And we don't have space for her to have her own room

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time of it. I've had those crying on the stairs moments too.

Your other relative is right, she will stop but no-one can really say when. I think because she has been a good sleeper this has really hit you hard.

9-10 months is classic for sep anxiety. Her brain is developing and she has realised you (her world, her favourite thing) could disappear.

Personally I would do whatever it takes to avoid screaming. Not ideal but keep her up a bit later or more stories or whatever to stop her melting down. Yes you will feel chained to her and you might need to step out of the room to avoid losing it, it is very difficult dealing with such a clingy child especially if you are doing it mostly alone.

Oh dear, you poor thing. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you have had a dream baby (self-settling and sleeping through at 8 weeks!) then they move the goalposts, don't they.

You say it is separation anxiety and it does sound like that but it might be worth ruling out a mild ear ache or UTI, or has there been anything that you have added to the baby's diet that may not agree with her?

These things do pass. You are doing everything the same and I'm sure it will come right soon. But you can change your reaction to the situation and try not to get angry and upset.

A break in getting her to sleep might help, sometimes I would sit with my non-co-operative baby and do whatever it would be that I would do that evening and let them potter. Watch an episode of my own shows with them, then try again. I find that when I am really angry with them not sleeping, they pick up on it. Imagine trying to sleep in the room when you know the other person is sooo cross with you!

I am still there with my near 2 year old who takes ages to settle and will, I know, be in my bed at 12 wanting to be near me. My 4 year old slept through about 3. But I really try not to let it bug me too much (although I do look about 10 years older!)

I do leave her to it when I feel close to the edge cos I know getting cross will only make it worse. There genuinely is nothing else wrong it is purely the separation.

The problem with letting her stay up later is that she would just not sleep at all! She started walking at 9.5 months and it has got so much worse since then. She wants to be on the go all the time and of i don't force her to stay I'm her cot by refusing to take her out she will just keep going all night. I am sure I have spawned the bloody energiser bunny dressed as a baby!

Our living room is totally baby proof thank god and there have been nights where I have dozed off on the sofa at 3am and she is still going

Wow, 3am is bad.
It might well be her age that she is feeling this separation anxiety but have there been any changes in the daytime for her to make her need you? Have you gone back to work, or have nursery staff changed or does she spend time away from you now say with GPs when she didn't before?

You say only you can settle her, but you clearly need a bit of a break. Lack of sleep ruins the next day doesn't it. I guess you have a few choices, you could take a break for an evening and go to a family member's house or a hotel, let your DP settle her one night when he isn't on nights and hang the consequences (on the basis that you will function much better when you are more rested). I found sleeping with the baby was the only thing that would work for a while. If it is a case that it takes a few hours to get settled, is there anyone who can hang about with the tea/wine chilling and give you some moral support. Doesn't sound like your Mum lecturing will be much use. I found about 9-11 months the worst for sleep. They don't have the excuse of being a newborn so no one offers to help, but they are learning how to walk, talk and that you are separate to them, all very big deals so I think they go to bed with their little heads buzzing. Anecdotally between my friends most of us found they started to sleep a bit better when they started walking. Sorry you are going through this it's no fun. Blind leading the blind really I don't have any answers (obviously).

Nope no changes. Haven't gone back to work for several reasons so am at home with her and our routine is pretty dull really. Everyone says she will sleep better when walking but she has been walking over a month and it is just getting worse. We don't have the cash for a hotel and there is no one who could help other than my mum and for a variety of reasons it will be a very cold day in hell before that happens.

Dp does try and do it all when he is off but she deliberately smacks her face into the cot bars and makes herself bleed (the dummy tears that little bitnof skin between thenlip and top gum) because then she knows she willingly cuddles and taken out the cot so we can swill her mouth out to stop the bleeding.

I am at a complete loss as is dp (and this is number 3 for him!) I tried the hv but when I said I had tried sitting with her amd controlled crying she was stumped.

Oh well best get some fake wine in amd dig in for the long haul and pray for this to end soon!!

Worst of it is the little moo still wakes up at 7 amd wants to play!!!

Google 9 month sleep regression-there is no easy answer, but I found lots of helpful stuff online to explain why it's happening, and to reassure me I wasn't alone (and also that it will pass!).

Have read and reread! In fact it is a bookmarked page on my pc but it doesn't help wheb she is screaming and crying for 3 hours