How do you handle your two year old?

[blushingmare]

I'd be really interested to hear other people's approaches to dealing with the tantrums, whims, boundary-pushing, attention-seeking, fussy eating and difficult bedtimes that all come with being two years old! I love this age in so many ways, but am also finding DD a real challenge at times. I really agree with the philosophy that the toddler shouldn't be the boss and that children need to have clear and consistent boundaries. However, now being faced with a (what sometimes feels like constantly) tantrumming child and also having an 8 week old DS to care for, I suddenly find I am constantly choosing the path of least resistance, ie. letting her call the shots!

What do you do when faced with the various scenarios a two year old presents you with?!

This is a brilliant thread. So much great advice.

DS is 20 months, just getting into behaviour and things that make me feel out of control. I feel very careful not to lay blame at his feet - he's still just a baby, he's pre-verbal still, he can't communicate brilliantly with me though I get the general gist. But I'm finding it so hard. I find myself getting this "ragey" feeling and I've said things to him like "oh for gods sake stop the whining!!" and while I know that's quite benign in the grand scheme of things but I feel like it's setting a precedent for how i react to him.

He just seems to cry over everything, even the most stupid annoying things. He lolls all over me whining, then gets down and starts crying. I find it very hard not to get frustrated.

I've been reading Positive Discipline and it's really helping me understand what it's like to be a toddler. Positive Discipline isn't gentle parenting or permissive or non-punitive. But it's just more about communication and understanding in setting boundaries rather than just being in a tussle with your toddler all the time. Not saying anyone here is but I certainly am! And I want to break that dynamic before it sets in like concrete.

Zebra - I know the feeling - toddlers can make you feel like a toddler yourself - that's why its so hard to parent them. Perhaps it almost takes us back to our own toddler experiences of being out of control and frustrated. You never know perhaps we lose it and out of that comes a better understanding of how the toddler is feeling so that next time we manage a bit better, perhaps it helps us identify with the toddler.

Also people (and toddlers) project feelings as part of the dynamics of the relationship. If you have a friend who is depressed, you come away feeling depressed. Likewise a grumpy frustrated toddler will make you feel grumpy and frustrated. It is quite effective in a way, probably it helps us to share experiences and understand what life is like for the other person.

I think the ideal is probably to be in touch with your own feelings of rage at the toddler but at the same time to have enough maturity to remain the adult and not act out on your own feelings.

Needless to say that's a tall order and no-one can have the patience and self control of a saint all the time. Plus (provided we are just losing tempers and shouting momentarily rather than something more seriously out of control) i don't think its a bad thing for toddlers to see that sometimes they go too far and people can't cope with them.

You can always have a cuddle and say sorry for shouting afterwards, that's a healthy lesson for toddlers to learn.

And breathe .... my toddler is so stroppy at the moment, our next blow up can't be far away!