Is a ten year gap between DC a bad idea ?

[iheartshoes]

I have one beautiful DD and after finding the first year with her very very hard I am now really enjoying being a mum. We are now talking about having a second one - I am 26 and DH is 31.

DH I think would prefer to do a more traditional 3/4 year gap but I said to him I would rather a ten year gap . I found the first year so bloody hard and I am hoping to do a PGCE next year when I have finished my OU degree. I then would really like to get into my career and possibly progress up to being a deputy head at some point and
I worry that having another DC before DD is around ten will have an adverse affect on that.

I have two sisters and we are close in age but we're never that close growing up it's only recently we have bonded so I don't really feel the need to give her a sibling to provide her with a playmate iyswim - I have close friends who are ten years older than me and it's just not an issue.

I love being a mum now and would like another one but I don't think I would be a very good mum with much less of a gap than that. We conceived DD very easily but I am aware we
Might not be so
Lucky next time so that does worry me. People have been asking us about number two and when I tell them not for ten years I get a lot of raised eyebrows and have been told it's much better to get it all over quickly - I can see the reasoning but just don't think I could cope with two young children.

Has anyone else done this and how has it worked out for you ? Or anyone who has siblings with a big gap ? Love to hear any stories it keeps going round and round in my head that perhaps we should just bite the bullet and have number 2 sooner rather than later but the idea just doesn't appeal to me !

Sorry for the essay !

My brother is 9 years older than me, I can't say how he felt when I came along but growing up together was lovely. He would look after me, we would still squabble & fight but nothing like how I see between my neice & nephew (3 years difference) we are close now, he actually married my college friend! My mum was 18 when she had him, 27 when I came along so is still quite young now I'm 31. But I don't think 36 is too old to have another child, I'm pregnant with my first & expect to be 35/36 when thinking of another.
I think my mum was probably glad not to have two youngsters at any one time!

An aunt of mine had a 20-year gap (I kid you not) and the two brothers now 16 and 36 are really close. There's also a 12 year gap between another pair of cousins of mine and they are equally as close.

I don't think there is any problem with a ten year age gap. IME whether siblings get on is more due to personality and luck than age gap.

If you don't want another baby yet then don't have one.

I would however be nervous about waiting till you are 36 as fertility is a lot lower then and you might find it harder to conceive. I'd suggest trying for number 2 when you are under 35.

DH and his brother have an 11 yr gap. Just nature's way. They are very close partly I think because by then their father was quite old so brother did more of the kicking a ball with him.

I agree with the poster above - you need to consider your age, as well as the gap between the DCs. You can't every guarantee you'll conceive exactly when you want to, and it does get harder as you get older. So if you wait ten years before starting to try, you might find the age gap bigger than you ideally wanted. Plus, the risk to the baby of Downs etc gets higher after 35/36.

You also need to consider the knock on effect of you being 45/46 when your DC is 10, etc etc.

In terms of the actual age gap between your DCs - there are pros and cons to everything. We wanted the smallest possible age gap between ours because we wanted to get all the hard work out of the way at once, so we could get on with stuff as they both got older together (18 mths between them, and m/c in between). There are lots of other advantages to having DCs close in age too - shared activities,friends, clothes, toys etc etc.

However, I can see the advantages of a bigger age gap too - oldest can baby sit, plenty of time to devote to one DC at a time, cost spread more....

Only you can decide.

I'm sure it'll be fine. I have a friend with kids 20/15/14/4 . the 10yr gap wasn't entirely intentional as she had fertility issue, but even if she'd have concieved fast it would have been 8yrs . It's great for them

I agree with youdont there are pros and cons to having a short or long gap. You'd have to work out which you'd feel is best for you as a family and if you're dead set on having another or not (as like has been posted your fertility can drop as you get older).

There are 10 years between dd1 and dd2. I would say that they have the trickiest relationship whereas relationships between ds's 16,14 and 8 years older than dd2 is easier. It may be of course that they are the same sex or it could be that dd liked being the only girl or it could be that dd1 is tricky anyway .
Dd2 was a toddler when dd1 started secondary and she didn't appreciate her company when she got home. Dd2 started school when dd1 started GCSEs so it was double stress.
Dd's are 21 and 11 now. Dd1 considers dd2 spoilt (she probably is if I'm honest) She thinks I'm softer on dd2 (I am) and dd2 gets more attention (she does but that's probably because dd1 was 1 of 4 and dd2 only has adult siblings and so is like an only child)
It can be a bit of a love hate relationship, sometimes they are best friends and sometimes they drive each other mad. I'm sure as they get older dd1 will be someone dd2 can confide in when she considers me too old and boring

DH has a 16 year gap between him and his youngest brother so more extreme than your 10 but really it was a pain in the arse for him, his mum and dad and for his brother. I have been on the scene longer than his brother having got together with DH when he was 15 and my poor MiL had to contend with us sneaking around shagging, partying, skipping school, drinking and smoking as well as a baby (and being pregnant actually).

The thing I think you need to look at most is you could be dealing with a toddler and a teenager at the same in time, both of whom think they are the most important, both of whom will more than likely be at horrible stages in life and both of whom will demand your attention.

The upside for MiL was we were always willing to babysit for money and a free house to be bonking in and it wasn't that long till she was rid of us when DH left for uni.

Thank you everyone for all your responses it is good to gear some different perspectives. I didn't realise there was such a drop in fertility after 35 - definitely food for throught. If only I had a crystal ball !!!!

My youngest brother is 10 years younger than me and we get on really well (although we do have siblings in between us which makes a difference, I think) But a lot of our childhood memories aren't shared ones.

My eldest is now 10 and increasingly independent - the thought of going back to nappies and sleepless nights is just horrific. Also I think trying to find activities suitable for everyone e.g. an 11 yo and a 1 yo looks like hard work to me (I have a few friends who've had late surprise babies ).

It might be worth bearing in mind that it generally doesn't feel quite so hard with your second baby as you've already come to terms with parenthood and have learned the ropes.

But you know, there is no law says you have to have a second one at all if it doesn't appeal?

My only brother (and sibling) is ten years younger than me.

We are the best of friends and share a lot of common interests and have the same sense of humour. I honestly would be lost without him in my life. From him being about 13 he has come to stay with me and my husband and we all get on well.

My mum was very good and did put a safety gate on my room in the daytime when he was 2 / I was 12, to stop him getting in and wrecking my stuff (which might have put me off him tbh) . And she never expected me to mother him / do loads of babysitting like some parents would.

Personality wise - we are both very "only child" though

My brother is 7 years younger than me and I don't really feel we had much if a shared childhood. Never being at the same school was odd and he was only 11 when I went away to uni so I really lost touch with him through his teenage years and never got our relationship back (we are v different though, I did a post grad degree whereas he left school at 16). He's now 30 and I'm 37 and we live near but hardly ever see each other.

I have one ds and am not considering TTC again till he's at least 3 but that makes me 40 so it's quite likely we will only have one child.

I don't think it's bad. DH has a younger brother...11yrs difference. They are very, very close and it means that DH could have maybe a bit more freedom, even. Instead of being 8 and not getting to go to x place because your 6yo brother isn't old enough, you'd be 16 and can go yourself if you wanted, you can stay at home on your own, you have much more independence and can take him out even if you're older.

Thank you for some more replies. It seems that age gap isn't as much as an issue as I had worried it would be I suppose it's more down to personality if they will get on or not anyway and I like to think
Coping with a 12 year old and a 2 year old would be a lot easier (for me) than with a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

daphne a very nice lady at the baby group I go to has an older daughter who is 12 years older than her DS. She said she likes it because they have all the advantages of being only children but have the benefit of a sibling as well. I don't know how true that is but your post reminded me of her!

It's good if they are willing to baby sit me and my sister has a 14 year gap, I'm always babysitting her.

I have a brother exactly 10 years younger than me ( to the day!)

We get on really well now, he's great and really good fun. But we didn't do anything when he was little. I was out a lot with friends / boyfriends and being a teenager when he was 6 / 7. He was cute but we didn't do stuff together -he much preferred to play
with my boyfriend!

I also got a bit fed up with the fact that we couldn't go away except to toddler type holidays, we couldn't go to dinner or theme parks or any of the treat stuff teenagers want to do because it wasn't suitable for DS.

I had other sibs in between and we tended to pair off and do our own thing.

I also think it's hard work to go back to the baby stage again...