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Original poster

Why do people criticise your parenting choices???!!!

29 replies

Stargazing · 08/09/2006 23:05

Ugh. I am a very proud happy mother to a gorgeous little 5-week old girl ... I am loving everything about it EXCEPT the way people comment (disapprovingly) on what you do and how you do it!! I personally think I am doing pretty well in that I have managed to do everything that I said I was going to do during my pregnancy - ie, I said I was not going to use any pain relief in labour, and I didn't. I said I was going to use cotton nappies, and I am. I said I wasn't going to use a dummy, and I don't. I said I was going to breastfeed, and I am. I said I would continue working, and I have (I work from home, so it's totally feasible for me)
Obviously I would have been open to abandoning any of these intentions if necessary - like if I had a very sucky baby, fine, I'd probably try her on a dummy. But I'm not going to give her one just cos she cries occasionally. She;s a baby! That;s what babies DO!! Or if she never slept and I was totally sleep-deprived, I would have ditched the idea of working
So - all through my pregnancy people seemed to delight in telling me that I'd "never manage" to do the things I intended to do - that I would HAVE to have pain relief, HAVE to use disposables etc etc.
And now that I've proved all the naysayers wrong, they are telling me that my choices are wrong!! That I am "depriving my baby of intense joy" (that is an honest to goodness quote) by not giving her a dummy. That breastfeeding is a bad idea because "it does not satisfy your baby and that is why she feeds so often - because she;s always hungry" That "cloth nappies mean that your baby will get nappy rash" (she hasn't had a speck of rash, mind you) And so on!!

FFS!! Is this normal!?? It's really bugging the hell out of me, Why can't people just say "well done" My baby is bonny, healthy and thriving so surely I am doing something right???!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
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moondog · 08/09/2006 23:07

Very common unfortunately SG,especially if you do something that mainstreamers consider a little 'alternative'

Just smile glassily,say 'Really' and mutter 'Fuck off'.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2006 23:09

I prefer 'get to fuck'.

hyacinthb · 08/09/2006 23:09

I've never ever been criticised so much as I have now - i.e. as a parent.

Everybody has an opinion.

The good news is that in the longer term you will learn how not to give a damn (well for the most part any way)

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iamapieceofcheesecake · 08/09/2006 23:10

Good for you Stargazing. It just seems that people can never leave you to your own devices when you have a baby (see previous rants re my parents!!!!). You keep going the way you are as long as you and your baby are happy.
It actually got to a point with me where I told my mum in front of the rest of my 'meddling' immidiate family that he was my son, and I would raise him how I wanted.

colditz · 08/09/2006 23:10

Because they know deep down you have chosen the least lazy route, which means they chose the most lazy route, but they don't want to admit that to themselves or anyone else so they try to make your choices look bad in a different way. I am a dummy giving, disposable using mother, and I am awed by people who can do as you do... but not that awed, because I know my situation, IYSWIM

that's why they do it anyway

moondog · 08/09/2006 23:10

Seriously though,they are well meanig,however annoying it is.

Greensleeves · 08/09/2006 23:12

I love "get to fuck". Will be using it, tomorrow.

Frieda · 08/09/2006 23:13

The intense joy of a dummy - well I haven't heard that one before!

Ignore them - some people just seem to feel their life's purpose is to give advice, whether it's wanted or not. You sound as though you're doing great (and congratulations on your little girl, btw ).

soapbox · 08/09/2006 23:14

Is there any chance that you might be sounding a bit smug or perfect parenty with them?

I only ask as try as I might, faced with that I do find myself rather prone to spout off some random piece of doom and gloom[PMSL]

moondog · 08/09/2006 23:16

why could it remotely be perceived as 'smug' to do what stargazing has done soapbox??

I find that a really strange suggestion.....

bluenosesaint · 08/09/2006 23:18

People will always be critical of others - unfortunately its the only thing some people can do to make themselves feel better!!

I usually smile, nod serenley and say 'yes, you're probebly right - you know me so well ....'

Ignorant arseholes

and if that doesn't work, then i'd stick with "get to fuck"

xx

FlipFloppinRubyRioja · 08/09/2006 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stargazing · 08/09/2006 23:24

No, fair enough - but I promise, I don't "go on" about the way I'm doing things (don;t have time, too busy washing nappies, lol)
I was pretty upfront during my pregnancy about my intentions and now that my littl'un is here, people ask "how are you going with the nappy thing" or "I bet you're not managing to work!" and I say "fine, thanks" or "no, I am doing some work actually, it's working out okay." And then they start with the negativity.
Honestly, I can't afford to be evangelical or smug about my choices - all of my friends are doing the exact opposite of me, and there's no way I'm about to criticise them. Whatever works, you know? It's just that this is working for me, personally, and I'm glad of it, 'cos it's how I wanted it to be.

OP posts:
moondog · 08/09/2006 23:26

Well SG,it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job,and if I met you,I would be full of praise and admiration.
You go girl!!

FlipFloppinRubyRioja · 08/09/2006 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stargazing · 08/09/2006 23:33

Thank you moondog!

OP posts:
soapbox · 08/09/2006 23:40

Moondog - I didn't say she was smug but whether there was a chance other people thought she was. IME it would be in the tone! So not remotely possible to tell from a virtual post.

There is a fine line sometimes between being proud of your own successes and undermining other people's.

She asked the question - I responded with a possility.

harpsichordcarrier · 08/09/2006 23:42

well fwiw I don't think they are criticising as such, thouhgh it may feel like it.
they are talking about their own choices not yours. and seeking to justify them, is all.
you are doing great and bloody good for you.
here, borrow my favourite expression:

edam · 08/09/2006 23:59

Because parenthood is a great leveller. The actual reality is so different from the expectation, there's a great shared experience thing of us all being in this together. Everyone finds it hard at times, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. They are just expecting that you will have discovered this by now. And when you tell them it's all been straightforward, they will either not believe you or be insanely jealous that you have found it so easy this far.

jamiesam · 09/09/2006 00:37

Perhaps a little bit of jealousy - honestly, you sound perfect, I think the most amazing thing is that you are working when baby is 5 weeks old only. I could barely plan a trip to the corner shop when ds2 was 5 weeks old!

Perhaps also, some people would want to warn you that things might not always be so perfect - you could be 'proud before a fall', so a little bit of self deprecation might not hurt.

pudding77 · 09/09/2006 08:57

It's funny though because I was criticised for not bf!! I wanted to but my ds just wouldn't take to it and after 2 weeks of trying we decided enough was enough!! Also, people seemed amazed that I cook my ds's food rather than just relying on jars!!

To me it seems like parenting means open house comments from everyone, whether they know you or not or whether they have/had children or not!!

jumblesale · 09/09/2006 09:12

Apart from the no pain relief thing (childbirth was just toooo awful), you are doing everything that I do. You are therefore a Perfect Parent .

3andnomore · 09/09/2006 09:38

Stargazing, sounds to me you are doing brilliantly....don't take the comments of those people to heart.
And don't let anyone tell ya your milk is not satisfying you Baby and hence the feeding so often...just shows how little those people know about Breastfeeding.

Highlander · 09/09/2006 09:43

laugh loudly, followed by 'God, you are sooooooooooo funny! Where on earth did you hear that codswallop?'.

Mind you expat's 'get tae fuck' is probably more effective .

moondog · 09/09/2006 09:47

I like that first one Highlander (although would probably substitute 'codswallop' for something slightly more pithy. Bollocks perhaps.)