Please help Pruni 's sad little boy

[motherinferior]

Pruni's finding it mysteriously difficult to post on MN (she can read it though!) so I said I'd start this thread for her...

DH and I apart for the summer, he's working and we moved. Will be back in a month.

DS seems ok about the move now - though I'm sure it is still weird for him - but dh's absence is obviously really getting to him. If I mention him, he just crumples up, doesn't cry, but is visibly distressed. He goes looking for him in the morning when he wakes up, then just says sadly "Gone to work."

We are going to a P+T group, but ds is acting so weirdly. Refusing to play when the other children are playing, eg in a ball pool, and a bit of hitting and biting, and worst, shouting at the other children. Just standing screaming at them rather incoherently because they are playing with something he wants. I say "worst" because this is new - the hitting and biting are regressive, he has never been a calm child, but we've dealt with it and I thought at least the biting had stopped. I can't bear to see the shouting, knowing it's probably a result of stress.

Really doubting what I am doing with him at every step, and no-one to talk to about it, as DH can only listen to so much of this (he's feeling bad in any case). Don't really know the other mothers and don't want to harass people I've met twice with my woes about my son, who may be about to assault their child! Don't know what to say to him to make it better. Obv talking to dh on phone daily and sending lots of photos via email. Could do with some help...

He's two, I think.

Is he a long, long way away, too far for a quick visit?

Could DH record him some bedtime stories?

Pruni

Keep going to the groups as you need to meet people. Phone the NCT and get them to tell you about their local groups and stuff too. Ask the HV as well. Explain to any parent that will listen to you, that the move and dh's absence have upset ds, and then just do your best to stay right near him as he plays and whisk him away when (or hopefully before) he hits or bites or shouts etc. You don't have to make a huge discipline issue of it, just remove him and say "we don't bite" etc.

You could also ring Parentline, who are trained to listen to your woes and will offer sensible suggestions. Other than that I think you will have to stick this awful bit out He will be fine, you know? It is just terribly hard for both of you.

Oh Pruni, poor you. I tihnk all you can do is be consistent and comforting and loving. Can dh get netmeeting? Can you? got to go but will come back to this later.

netmeeitng

ah the poor boy.

agree that netmeeting type thing is a good idea. failing that, can you make a video message with a video camera and get dh to do the same? (he might have to borrow a camera. can you still hire them for a day?)

also can you get grandma/auntie/uncle somebody like that to come and stay? that's the only thing that would start to take ds's mind off it if dh was away for that long I think.

how about a calendar where he can mark off every day till Daddy comes back

so when he wakes up in the morning he gets to mark off the day

and when he goes to bed he knows there's only one more day

can Pruni and ds go and visit dh?

oh, he's only 2? ... not sure calendar appropriate

OK, Her Pruniness says:

OK, so dh is a long way away, and we do iChat/webcam stuff but ds will not sit, it's a little like he isn't interested. Not a reason not to do it, though. Love the idea of bedtime stories.

CF I am such a div, I hadn't thoguht about having phone calls at a prescribed time, v good idea, will start that. In fact, our days are v erratic, due to MIL - fab lady, does loads with us, but in having all that fun I can see that whatever kind of routine we had has gone to
pot: mealtimes/naps/getting ready by 9am, that kind of thing. So will immediately go back to that.

In-laws and family around us, they adore ds, but sort of can't see past that, iykwim. They don't see him in a group with other kids and they don't know what I mean when I say I can never imagine him in a school, sitting down, doing lessons, group work etc. (I am massively over-worrying now, he is 2.9 fgs.)

Twig calendar also good idea (he's 2.9, knows his days ok), cannot believe I am so thick as to not have thought of any of this stuff.

Had never heard of Parentline, FZ, wot a bloody good idea.

I suppose we didn't know this would affect him so badly. DH has been away before, no real problems! Moving at the same time, none of his mates around (or mine)...gah, wouldn't do this again!!

hhhmmm thinking about this, probably the move has unsettled him as much (if not more than) as dh being away - not much you can do about that though, except wait for him to settle

Pruni .. don't worry about him not fitting in in groups .. you're right in thinking he's only 2.9 .. they change so much .. DS was quite reserved at that age, shy, wouldn't approach people, preferred playing on his own .. can't shut him up now

Get ILs to take him to a playgroup sess, so they can see some of the stuff you are dealing with first hand IYSWIM.

If dh has his Mac with him, he can use iMovie to record a series of little clips of him talking to the camera with stories / good morning song / go to bed / what he's done that day / 'my crap hotel room' / etc. etc. etc.

hth

(Nice thing is with the video, you can play them again and again IYSWIM whereas iChat is just live).

(Send her my regards will ya MI ?)

Pruni the number is:

"Parentline - 0808 800 2222

Available seven days a week, 24 hours a day, our free confidential Parentline is staffed by trained volunteers, all of whom have parenting experience. We offer information and support, and the chance to talk through the issues facing parents."

Hi there,
well, my hubby is arned fircesm which means anything and everything!
Bascially what I did do was mainly base any routine on me, without anyone that comes to visit being interreng...so, let people help if they can, and if not play it by ear!
What I can say for myself is, that I made a fuss when ever daddy was hear but never told them when daddy was away or when we were expecting daddy back!
They won't be hurt if they don't expect so and so!

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Don't know that this will help, but I've noticed a definite link with my 2.8 ds's behaviour and his dad not being around. Whenever he is on-call (he is a doctor) or away with business ds behaves very badly at nursery and goes back to biting and pushing. Often he will get confused when dh is not going anywhere, just going to work, and will say 'daddy gone to skoperland (scotland - where he did go once!), two big sleeps' (meaning he'll be back after two nights). It is sweet but sad at the same time because he clearly doesn't understand why his dad doesn't come home sometimes. He is 2.8 and it has got worse as he has got older. I do as much phone contact with dh as possible while he's away, lots of reassurance, kissing photo of daddy when he goes to bed etc. It gets better instantly as he comes home. Sounds like Pruni is doing all the right things to me.

sorry to hijack but I'm desperate to know what an "arned fircesm" does? 3andnomore?