Shy child! What to do?

[Rhubarb]

I have noticed that my dd is becoming increasingly shy. Since she was born I have taken her to various mother and baby groups, she comes on outings with our friends, we have stayed over in different places and she goes to her grandma's once a week, but despite all of this she is shy!

I know there is nothing wrong with being shy, but she is taking it to extremes - yesterday she cried because a little girl stood next to her! If any child approaches her to play, she backs off and automatically looks to me. Sometimes I don't know why I bother going to any playgroups at all, as all she does is stand next to me the whole time, with her head on my lap. I have tried ignoring her, I have sat her down playing and then crept off when I thought she was distracted, everything! She won't even approach the woman who comes round with drinks and biscuits, I have to go with her.

She is 20 months old and her shyness does seem to be reaching a peak. Everyone keeps saying that it will get better with time, but I met someone yesterday whose 3 year old is just as bad as mine. I don't want my dd to be that shy at 3, I want her to be confident and sociable! Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do?

Is your dd your first-born? The only reason I ask is that my first-born, now 9, is very shy and not very confident.

My second-born is very confident. Not sure if this is he is the second-born or because he is a boy. He is so confident that, in his leaving nursery/starting school report, they say that he is very confident and, sometimes, too confident!

When we go on holiday, at the kiddies disco my dd always stands on the edge of the group of children wanting to join in but never having the confidence to do so until about 3 days before we are leaving. My ds is always at the front, doing all the moves, not caring who is watching and what they are thinking.

I think lack of self confidence, shyness is more common in first born children (only from my own experience) as they do not have an elder child to follow whereas second (and subsequent) born children always have the elder one to look up to and think "if they can do that, so can I".

My dd is getting better (and she is now 9) but it is a continual battle to get her to feel confident and not shy, especially in new situations.

She is my first, yes. I thought that this might be a problem, especially as I was painfully shy as a child and dh is a bit shy now, so I did everything I could to integrate her with other children and new situations to boost her confidence. I also leave her alone sometimes to play by herself. But nothing seems to have worked, she is naturally shy. However it is painful for me to watch her, I can't bear her to go through the same things I went through as a child.

Rhubarb, my dd (26 months) can also be very shy. She was at her absolute worst from about 20 months on. I actually stopped going to playgroup as she was just so awful, behaviour similar to your dd, crying if anyone spoke to her or (especially) touched her. I gritted my teeth and tried to assure myself it was just a phase...but found it infuriating as I have never been shy myself and always been outgoing and social. It taught me quite a good lesson about all of us being different though, and I tried to look at it as a learning experience (for me). I tried to imagine what it must be like to be that shy, and thought, well, the worst thing would be to be forced into situations that you can't handle. So I spent lots of one-to-one with her, gave her lots of cuddles, stopped telling people 'sorry, she's shy' and avoided noisy situations with lots of 'grabby' children. She is slowly improving, and since she has been going to a childminder she has come on in leaps and bounds. We did the childminder thing really slowly, I went for coffee twice a week for a month before I left her - she was fine! I now accept that she will probably always be a bit shy and clingy, especially when upset or tired, but we have now started going back to playgroup and she's (almost) normal! I've really concentrated on building her confidence up and tried to stop worrying so much about how her behaviour reflects on me. She surprises me so much now, she'll bound up to people and show them her toys and chat away. Although just now when the midwife came round to see me she did a brilliant mutinous teenager expression and sulked off into the other room.

Waffled on a bit but hth.

Rhubarb, just to add my opinion, I have come to believe that some children just are shy, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, just try and deal with it for their (and your) sake as they get older. My eldest dd (now 5) has always been shy (but strangely, not clingy). As Bumbelion describes, she can never quite get the courage up to join in things, even though I can see she's dying to get in there. We went to ballet for 4 weeks, and each time she said "I'll join in next week", but never did. It's very frustrating, as she doesn't seem to realise that the more she refuses to do what everyone else is doing, the more attention she draws to herself, which is exactly what she hates! She has never been able to approach other children to join in their games, and even finds it difficult to talk to her "school bus friend" at the bus stop while the mums are still there. She just can't bear attention being on her. Anyway, I've come to realise, as my younger dd (2.5)has got older, that it's not something I've done "wrong" - the younger one is very happy to talk to people she doesn't know, smile at old ladies at the bus stop etc. It's just the way eldest dd is, and the more I tried to "force" her to join in etc, the worse it got. So now, I just let her go at her own pace, but as she's getting older, I've also started to talk more to her about it, for example I've pointed out to her that she needs to at least acknowledge people who are talking to her (rather than put her head down and pretend she's somewhere else!), or it just looks rude. Since being at school she's been a lot better - even told Father Christmas her name (the chocolate he was handing out was too tempting!)
Anyway, sorry to waffle, this is a topic close to my heart. My point is, don't make a fuss, as that's probably the thing she dreads, and take it at her pace.

Rhubarb, you could have been describing my dd at that age and she is the youngest of four, so it isn't always the first born. You won't want to hear this but it lasted until she was gone four yrs old.

Like Enid, I tried to look at it from my dd's POV. I didn't force her into situations where she was unhappy but instead tried to assess which things and people she liked and then make those a regular part of her life. I took her to a music group for about 2.5 yrs and after about two years, someone said to me 'Hasn't your dd come on recently, she's really blossoming now.' and she was right - she had blossomed! She has responded to security and encouragement of self confidence and is now very sociable, although at 6 she is still wary of anyone new until she gets to know them (although in some ways that is no bad thing!).

My ds, almost 17months is also very shy, and a first born. Despite regularly attending groups, his behaviour and enjoyment of them is very eratic, sometimes he joins in, other times he just nestles into my shoulder and blubs if anyone should show him some attention. It is frustrating, but I can understand how he feels as I was painfully shy as a youngster. I'd agree with what everyone else has said. There's no point pressurising your little one to join in if they don't want to. Some weeks ds amazes me by going up to the other children and trying to interact, despite being v young yet, I get really excited that the corner is turned, then the following week he's as bad as ever with shyness.
Persevere with the groups, if only for your sanity if you get the chance to chat with the other mums/carers, your dd will get as much from it as she wants!

Thanks for that, I knew I could rely on some sound advice from all of you! DD has always been a quiet child, even with us. She does like showing off to us and she adores her little cousins, unfortunately she doesn't get to see them very often.

I do try not to take her into situations where she might feel threatened. This particular playgroup can get a bit rough and tumbly, but she likes going, I don't know why as she has her head buried in my lap most of the time! I also go to NCT coffee mornings every week which are very calm and low-key, she knows the children there and has been going since she was 4 months old, but she still won't play with them, she just bring toys to me.

I wonder if it's because she has had some nasty incidences with rough children? At the library one day a boy much older than her pulled her hair, dragging her onto the floor and then tried to kick her - she went hysterical. She has also had toys snatched off her and has been pushed over quite harshly. She is a very gentle child and easily intimidated, so maybe these experiences have put her off socialising?

I know that she is probably shy naturally anyway, but I do want to do all I can to boost her confidence so that she can handle new situations and won't be walked all over as she gets older.

Hi Rhubarb, your dd could be naturally shy and quiet, but then she may just as easily grow out of it...I think it's important either way to accept it for the moment as part of her personality. If you let her see you are embarrassed or upset by her shy behaviour, she may withdraw even more. Let her know you love her just the way she is (I'm sure you do but I know it's hard in social situations when you just want them to join in). Also don't talk about her as being shy in front of her - labelling her in that way can make it stick in her mind and make the shyness worse or more lasting, or in her mind she can use it as an excuse, "I don't have to because I'm shy". Try not to compare her with outgoing children or point out to her how well they are playing/talking etc, as her self-esteem will also affect her confidence.

As has been said, don't force her into doing things she doesn't want to do, but I don't think avoiding them altogether is the answer. Maybe smaller groups or just one or two (non-aggressive!) friends at a time would be easier for here to handle (best if they are either younger than her or a year or so older). Prepare her in advance, with a chat about who you are/ who will be visiting, their names, what sorts of things they might do together etc. Let her take a toy or something she feels good about holding, for comfort if she needs it.

Give her reassurance in situations she feels are overwhelming, but don't be too quick to rescue her either. (BTW I know I was too overprotective of my dd as a toddler and her confidence suffered because of it). Let her have a bit of space - if she will happily take it. At this age they don't really play "together" but rather alongside other children anyway, so don't be too concerned if she doesn't have many "friends" yet. Plenty of time for that...I'm sure that within a year or so you will be wondering why you were so worried! HTH

Rhubarb - sounds like you have your answer! Dd was pushed off the top of the slide TWICE (first time I thought she'd just fallen off) by a little brat at playgroup and that was the beginning of her absolutely hating it there.

People do say they have to get used to the rough and tumble but I think, no, they don't have to actually and I'd rather 'break her in' gently with one or two mellow children.

Maybe once she's older and starts pushing back I'll take her back to get her revenge

My nearly 4 yr. old daughter was incredibly shy up until about a year ago. As the firstborn I found her a very demanding baby and she also suffered from colic for the first 6-8 months which was hard work. I went back to work for 2 half days when she was 4 months old using a friend as childminder but as she got a little older I realised she needed more exposure to other children. She began 1 day at nusery shortly before her second birthday and this made a big difference, although the arrival of her brother set her back somewhat. I remember all those feelings at toddler groups when all the other children are playing and you have one glued to your lap and the dilemma of seeing your child terrified by other children - you desperately want to help them overcome these fears but at the same time feel terribly frustrated by it all.
My daughter has now really blossomed. She is still sometimes wary of strangers or friends who are very "full-on" but aren't some of us like that now?
My advice is to persevere with the playgroups and use any opportunity to leave them with someone you both trust, but only when you are both ready.

I took her to NCT coffee morning today, she simply ignored the other children and either clung to my legs, or handed me toys to play with. But like so many of you have suggested, I will persevere!

I know that she probably is naturally shy Mollipops and I would never take that away from her, but it is frustrating when you see other kids her age running around enjoying themselves, making friends, and she is hiding behind your legs like a timid rabbit! Shyness is considered cute at this age, but it does lead to problems when they are older, and I don't want her to suffer because of it.

Thanks for your input Gillan, your experience gives me some sense of optimism. I think all I can do is perserve and hope that she eventually mellows out a bit. She's also quite nervous I've noticed, the ice-cream came round last night and she literally jumped straight onto my knee! Just my luck to have a shy, nervy child! She'll probably end up like Ally MacBeal!

It is frustrating, Rhubarb, but I don't think it necessarily means your dd will have problems when she is older. Her behaviour is all part of the wonderfully varied spectrum of normal childhood! Please don't worry about it too much, I'm sure with a caring mum like you she will be fine.

Just to add to the comment about Prof Winston's programme last year, he concluded that Shy adults were actually happier than the very Bold ones. Shy people tended to find contentment and satisfaction in normal, low key things, but the very Bold were always unsatisfied, looking for the next big thrill, jumping out of planes and getting into god knows what and never really happy. So maybe your shy dd has a stable, happy future ahead, whilst that over-confident, noisy brat at playgroup will turn into a an unsettled roamer (or worse).

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Thanks for all your comments! Especially to Emmasmum for suggesting that dd will grow up to be happy and content! I am going to start taking dd to nursery Bloss, I always said I would wait until she was 2, so in September I'll take her for one morning a week (all we can afford!) and hope that this helps her to gain confidence. I think I shall do what you did and stay with her for a couple of weeks, until she gets familiar with it.

Thanks for making me feel like a good mum