Ds friend has stolen and is now lying. What do I do? (if anything)

[MerryMarigold]

Ok, so last Friday ds1's friend was here (he is nearly 8). Ds1 had a brand new metallic gold and silver pen set. His friend had also brought some fancy pens (not gold or silver and completely different type to ds's). They were doing drawing etc. and sharing nicely. After friend left, I could not find silver pen anywhere. Ds quite upset as they were brand new. Thought friend must have taken it (possibly by accident, likely on purpose- but it was tempting. Kids do stuff like that at times).

Text his mum next morning (weekend) to say silver pen was lost and had her ds 'got it mixed up' with his stuff? Reply came in about 30 seconds 'No, He did not!' Clearly, no time to have checked! Just replied, "Ok, that's fine". Then came a text later that evening saying actually her DS had sent that text not her, and she would have a look around for it. Nothing since. Been forgotten. Pen not turned up here, so it is not here.

Last night she said she had found it 'down the back of his Dad's desk' and sent me a picture of it. Yes, it is exactly the same one. I said it was it. Thanks. The she text back, "He says it is his." I replied with a picture of the gold one and said, "Well it is exactly the same as this one. Maybe he is afraid we will be upset with him, but it is fine if he tells the truth, all forgotten." This morning, another text, "He says it is his cousin's."

Now, something which was not a big deal, a 50p pen, I feel has become more of an issue of principle. He clearly took it, HID it when he read my initial text down the back of a desk, lied that it was his when found out, then changed the lie that it is his cousin's. So, not feeling too good about him to be honest. BUT I am even more annoyed at his Mum when it is so clear what he is doing, but she is prepared to believe him rather than challenge him on it. Kids are kids. They will do stuff wrong, but they need to be taught that it's not ok. I didn't reply to the last text. What is there to say? I don't want a fight over a silly pen, but neither do I think he should end up with it, after behaving like that.

This kid is ds1's only really 'good' friend (we have had other issues with some minor bullying, but ds1 adores him). What to do, wise women of mumsnet?

Then he'll nick the Lego, as he has previously, hatetidying. Op, why are you having this child round again when there are issues that his mum refuses to address?

Well, when I picked the, up from school, before saying, "Hello" he said, "That silver pen is my cousin's", I just smiled and was nice to him. We went to the shop, bought some snacks, went home, kids played. Then I called him into another room from the other kids and asked him to sit down. I looked right at him and said, "I'd like to talk about the pen." Immediately: "It's my cousin's..." I said. "Look, I know you took the pen. What I am more upset about is that you're not telling the truth. Taking the pen is one thing, but it makes it difficult to trust you in my house. We really love having you round, and I think you are a lovely boy, but you need to give the pen back to ds1, ok? Then it's all finished." He looked very, very ashamed (almost tearful and he is most definitely not a crier) and said, "ok". No more denials after that. And we continued to have a very good time.

At the very least he knows I've clocked him. At the very most, he will not be doing it again. I was pleased to be positive with him, and graceful, at the same as firm and not letting him get away with it. Thanks so much for the help on that one. I will ask ds1 to ask for it back if it does not materialise very soon.

That sounds perfect. I think you did the right thing.

But you might want to brace yourself for him going home and telling his mum that you screamed at him and called him a thief.

To all saying I should not have him round. The back story is that ds1 spend 2 years with no real friends and being bullied. Then he moved classes and became friends with this boy. There have been some minor incidents (ds1 has some mild SN so can be a bit of a target) but mostly this boy has been loyal and a good friend. Ds1 adores him, and there is really genuinely no other possible good-friend around. I think in the long run, we will move. In the short run, I cannot jeopardise my ds's happiness in school for the sake of my principles. I can also hope to have some impact on this child's life even if it is minimal and from some distance. He knows boundaries in our house, so he knows they exist.

Ha ha Horse, maybe. I don't think he will!

Agreed,a Our last house, one of the little brats up the road came in a ripped a box into shreads from one of ds1's brand new toys while another boy stamped on ds2s fire Sam engine. And they all wondered why I refused to let any of them back into my house, my kids don't behave like that with their toys or other peoples so damn sure their 'friends' are not going to in my house.

Ah. That sounds fair enough. You've dealt with it well

yep. In any situation like this, the default fall back line is 'what's best for the child?' and so yes, he's learned from it. Your house, your pen, your rules. :)

sorry if I'm being thick, but have you managed to get the pen back, or just get him to admit that he took it?

Was it a Parker pen? the pen is the most important element of this, of course.

Well, on Friday he said he would give it back. I will need to chase again at school today at pick up. I told ds1 to ask for it, but I think he has forgotten all about it.

No, it wasn't even Parker! It was a Bic! (99p for a gold and silver together)