Can someone help me learn how to control ds?

[OuchyMcOuch]

Ds is 6.10 and very bright and confident. He's in year 1 but easily doing year 4 maths work. He reads at least three school years above too. But he's out of control behaviour wise.

He completely disobeys everything I ask him to do. When I do ask him to do things he goes in to such a rage. Yesterday I asked him not to splash all over the bathroom while having a shower. I popped out and came back a minute later and the entire bathroom was soaking wet. I told him off and he screamed at me saying I was an idiot, so I sent him to bed (it was 6.15, his usual bedtime is 7.30) and he went in to total melt down. My solution was to make him lie on his bed until he calmed down and stop crying, which he did eventually, but he cannot accept obeying orders from grown ups. Every time I try and enforce rules he goes in to such a rage.

At school he's apparently very well behaved. He's a bit boisterous (his teachers words) in the playground but in class he's studious and hard working and concentrates brilliantly. I have spoken to his teacher about how he's said he's bored in class, she's trying to give him extra work to stretch him further, but I don't think that's the problem at all. He behaves really well at school, but at home he's utterly wild.

Any advice will be gratefully received because he's in danger of going totally off the rails and I'm worried if we don't make him understand now that he has to follow rules in life that he'll get in to serious trouble :(

Gosh this sounds like an awful lot of pressure and stress.

My ds1 was like this. Furious to the point of hysterical when we asked him to do basic things like get dressed, clean teeth etc. he did not care about consequences like going to school in his pyjamas or losing his 10 min computer activity.

And an absolute angel at school. Our home life was a disaster. Constantly walking on egg shells, waiting for the next fury in the next 20 minutes. It was awful for him and us and his siblings. We were utterly lost and depressed.

We found a brilliant counsellor through our GP. He was eligible for CAMBHS as his behaviour at school was perfect. The teachers were staggered when we told them what he was like at home.

Once, I filmed him with my phone when he was going totally berserk over some minor request I had made of him. I told him I was sending it to his teacher. He became totally calm instantly. That was eerie.

The counsellor was £40 per hour which made things pretty right for a year but she helped.

He is emotionally quite immature and can still be very unpleasant and ratty but the rages are fewer. He's 9 now.

I would try to find a counsellor. I would also keep him busy - is he sporty? Does he like IT? If so, find him extra curricular or Saturday activities in areas he loves.

The worst times for my ds were when he didn't have structure in his days like at the weekends and school holidays. He went into anger free fall.

I found that being quite rigid and having structure in what we do each day is helping. He knows what is expected of him and he knows the consequences of what will happen if he doesn't do them.

My advice is to keep him busy with things he loves to do and not let him get away with bad behaviour ever. Be firm and calm and consistent at at all times. He has to learn what to expect from not being reasonably cooperative.

Use what leverage you can with him. For example, he clearly cares about what the teachers think of him. Ask them to have a chat or say you'll email them.

He wasn't eligible for CAMBHS I meant to say. Hence we had to pay for help.

Thanks winky… I think that's it. I've let things slip too much, or maybe I just have different standards to other parents. I've always been perhaps a bit too laid back, my sister is really shocked I allow the kids to have sweets after their tea if they've eaten a decent amount, things like that. But I've just had a long chat with my mum and she's said he needs more boundaries and rules. Not really to achieve anything other than fully understanding that life is full of rules and that you have to follow them. So although restricting sweets to the weekend doesn't achieve masses, the fact that he has a rule to follow will help.

I don't know if that makes sense. It kind of does to me.

He does have some rules, I've always enforced bedtime rigidly. But I've allowed the kids to have their tea in front of the tv a couple of times a week for example.

Ds is very sporty, and he's excellent at it too. He was walking at 8 months and hasn't looked back. He could ride a two wheel bike (not a balance bike) by the time he was 2.5. He plays football twice a week, tennis once a week. We always walk to and from school each day so that's a three mile round trip. But I was worried about overloading him too much too - I didn't want him to end up doing something every single day and getting completely exhausted, but perhaps I left him too unstructured.

I think I'll try filming him mid rage too. I hadn't thought of that. It might make him wake up and realise what his behaviour looks like.

I've also come up with a list of house rules, things like all meals to be eaten at the table, no sweets during the week, all homework to be done by saturday at the latest etc. I guess for most people these were standard, that's my fault for not realising that :(

I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with your existing rules, so don't feel bad about that. For me "very laid back" is stuff like letting them go to bed eheb they like, not minding if things are quite chaotic, sweets whenever, etc. Your sister sounds quite strict to me!

My sister is really strict Bertie… she rigidly enforces rules I used to think were unnecessary, lots of rules around mealtimes, lots of rules about screen time etc. But I'm starting to think she might be right after all. I used to be a "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of person, but perhaps all the small stuff adds up to quite a lot of large stuff?

Mind you, my sister's girls aren't angels

Hmm. It's definitely worth trying, I reckon, but only if it's fairly easy for you to enforce. It might be that he wants more rules/structure but I wouldn't think at all that that's the only thing you could try.

For me the shower thing - could you try some of the approaches from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen? The one that's jumping out at me here is "Give information, not instructions" so instead of saying "Please don't splash" you could have said "There's water on the floor, that needs to be wiped up when you're done so people don't slip". Then that could have been repeated if/when he splashed more. Screaming at you that you're an idiot of course isn't acceptable, but it seems that he effectively skirted having to deal with the actual effects of his behaviour (a wet bathroom which needed wiping) by getting himself sent to bed.

If he's very very bored at school, then it might be that he's mostly managing to control himself there but at home all of the frustration comes out. Is it possible that other kids have picked up that he's ahead too and might be making fun or anything?

It's totally the opposite of the rule based thing, but I think maybe it might help to not expect total and immediate obedience and instead try to look at how you can help him to stay within the boundaries that you have already set for him. He's very bright but very young, meaning he probably feels a bit "Why should I do that, that makes no sense" when told to do something but doesn't have the emotional maturity or patience to reason, negotiate or ask for the reason behind something so instead he's lashing out. Yes having clear boundaries does help with this but your boundaries sound clear already, I don't think that is an issue. This is good

He's not screaming at teachers or other authority figures, just you, which tells me that he knows it's not okay to do that. I would be tempted to ignore the screaming especially if it's a reaction to being asked to do something, it may be a diversion tactic (hoping to wind you up so that the original thing he was asked to do gets forgotten in the upset/drama over the screaming). Don't reward it with attention or a reaction and it might stop. If ignoring isn't working then I would add a consequence for it but it needs to be something that you can do without conflict, so not sending to bed or time out, but removal of a privilege for a set time or a three strike system or loss of a marble in a jar, that kind of thing. If that makes sense?

There's also another good book for children who don't respond in a typical way to being told off which is "The Explosive Child" but I think "How To Talk" might be effective just on its own.

I tried the information approach. Ds1 didn't care. It was almost like he needed to rage and vent spleen. He had to let off some sheer fury. It was frightening.

I feel for you. It's so upsetting and stressful. I used to wake up and cry at the thought of having to deal with every single massive drama over everything again, stomach in knots, worrying about his poor brain flooded with stress hormones.

I don't think you need to be ultra strict at all.

You just need to know what you need to get done gets done and so does he. Be that getting out to school on time, brushing teeth etc. Those areas are the areas that need rigidity. If yours struggling with those.

Winky.... Generally those are the sorts of things he's ok with. He'll get ready in the mornings, brush his teeth etc. but it's random things that cause huge melt downs. One morning he'll be fine, the next he will go totally off on one because I've asked him for the fifth time to brush his teeth.

Bertie, I try to ignore the screaming and yelling but I hope that's not just telling him that it's ok for him to behave like that (which it certainly isn't) I amazed even myself yesterday, not raising my voice once during what ended up being an almost 2 hour melt down by him :)

I think that he knows it's not okay. And once it stops getting results hopefully he'll stop doing it because it isn't a very nice feeling for him either. But I do think if it's becoming a repeated issue and he seems to be doing it for the sake of doing that rather than as a response trying to trigger something else then it's worth adding a kind of "stock response" punishment/consequence for it.

He was an absolute angel tonight. It's just so unpredictable so knowing what to do is so tricky. I think you're right Bertie, the hysterics are quite possibly a diversionary tactic to avoid having to do something he doesn't want to. Last night when we had the argument, I think he was trying to avoid going to bed before his sister which is a Big Thing for him. Eventually of course he didn't, because I left him sobbing while I put her to bed and then went back to him.

Have you read "Raising Boys" - I have found this to be a great book for understanding your boy and has helpful advice with managing behaviour. Just a thought.

I haven't MrsElf… I will have a look out for it. Thanks.