Nursery full time - someone help me feel less guilt/sadness!

[islingtongirl]

DD has just turned 10 months. I'm due back at work in a few weeks and she is starting nursery next week (settling in) and will then be full time, 5 days a week (8-6). I have to go back to work for financial reasons, at least for the moment. I have even lucky to spend the best part of a year with her, I know, but every time I think about it I get really upset, then my OH does too and feels bad he can't provide enough so I don't have to work, which I don't want him to feel at all! He works very hard to provide for us. Don't get me wrong, I want to work, but now it has come to the time for me to go back I can't bear the thought of DD in.nursery for so long and worried she will forget me/they will know her better and I am just playing catch up so please, any positive full time nursery stories are welcome!! And sorry if this is rather self indulgent, just having a day about it...

Ah, it's really hard. I felt exactly the same, even with my second child.
It takes a while to get used to it but one day you'll notice how your DD is really enjoying nursery and mst of your anxieties start to fade. It doesn't take too long (a few weeks). If you're like me, you'll always miss her but you will get used to it.
It won't be long until your DD can tell you all about her day and her new friends.
I aso benefit from going to work and feel like 'me' again.
By going to nursery your DD will find the transition to school SO much easier. We all have to let them go at some point, we're just doing it earlier. My DDs do loads more messy play and socialising than I could give them at home and those things are really important.

From experience of 2 children who did full time nursery from 9 months I can honestly say the nursery bit is really not a problem. They enjoy themselves, are well cared for and have a lovely engaging environment. Also in the type of daycare settings that do 8am til 6pm you tend to find that most parents are in the same boat, so they all all there for the duration of the day.

For me the real guilt hit once they started school when they are a lot more aware of the fact that they go to after school and holiday clubs when some (usually most) of their classmates are going home at 3.30pm (and having play dates which are not possible to host if you are working) and have the holidays at home. I now get almost daily moans about not being able to have friends for play dates, or why do I have to go to breakfast club every day etc. It breaks my heart

Good luck though, I can assure you your daughter will not forget you and will not become more attached to the nursery staff (although you will be thrilled if she does form a genuine bond with some of them) and will make you smile so much when you get them running (well OK not at 10 months!) up to you and giving you the biggest hug when you collect.

My DD is almost 2 and doesn't go to nursery, I work 1 day per week on my DH's day off when he looks after her. Had I gone back to work the childcare costs would have cancelled out my salary so we are actually better off financially for me to work 1 day than 5.

I clearly don't have experience of what you are asking but just wanted to say, I really don't think it matters what you do, you are always going to feel like perhaps there is another way that might be better. I worry that maybe my DD would benefit more from being in a nursery, as others have said, structured, play, interaction, social skills. I take her to toddler groups, classes, etc. but as I am there she has a tendency to cling on, however when we are with some friends whose DC go to nursery they run in to the thick of it and are quick to interact.

You just need to do what works best for your family, I think parents are going to feel guilty whatever they do. I know many feel judged for working and having children in daycare, but I certainly get judged for being at home most of the time, comments of 'its alright for some' making an assumption I have lots of money and don't need to work, which is very far from the truth. Good luck for your return to work, I'm sure your DD will benefit hugely from nursery, it will probably be you who is more upset because you miss her

DD went to nursery full time from 11 months. She's now 2.4 and is happy, sociable, and loves her nursery! I've got a new job, which I love, and spend all my free time playing with DD. She loves going to nursery, and going home - it's worked out brilliantly all round!

Your DD will be absolutely fine. She will be with nursery for 50 hours a week, out of 168 hours a week - a bit less than a third of the time (or circa 38/108 waking hours depending how much your DD sleeps so approx a third anyway). She will not forget you or become attached to the nursery workers more than you. You will get to have fun times with her at weekends etc, all will be well.

You have to live in the real world. Obviously it would be nice to spend more time with DD but realistically you have to make the right choice for your family and do the best you can. Do not fret. all will be well.

I feel sad reading your post. Please don't feel guilty! But I wonder why you chose nursery rather than a home environment (childminder or nanny share?) which might suit such a young baby better?

mintyy not necessarily - there are advantages and disadvantages to each option and childminders/nanny shares have their disadvantages too. I think I would worry more about confusion and attachment issues with a "home" environment than I would with a nursery, for a start. Then you have the logistical issues of having to rely on a single person's good health and holiday arrangements, any disruption to which can endanger your own job security in some cases, whereas Nursery is there for you every working day or the year bar Christmas if you need it - for many families Nursery is exactly the right choice.

I would also choose a great childminder or nanny share over a great nursery for an under 3 (obviously bad examples of either go to the bottom of the list).

Nurseries won't take sick children so you have to have days off from nursery just as often from what I've seen of my friends nurseries.

I think I would worry more about confusion and attachment issues with a "home" environment

You don't want your DC to feel attached for 10hrs a day??

Have you looked at all the alternatives OP?

My DD went 4 full days from 8 months. She thrived on it, made friends, got to do messy play that I wouldn't have dreamed of attempting (spaghetti, jelly etc) and, as an only child, was helped to learn sharing, taking turns etc.

It worked well fotbus, although I understand why others make different decisions.

One thing that did help my guilt was that I was determined from the beginning that my days with DD weren't taken over by chores. We had fun. I did my shopping online, tidied and cleaned while she was in bed and tried as much as possible yo give her my full attention.

As she's got older (she's now 6) I've obviously introduced the realities of housework etc into our routine.

Both mine went at 7 months are are madly happy sociable high achieving kids who are wildly independant. That's what nursery gives them - plus immunity of steel, loads of friends, adaptability and a love of learning ...

I lined up nursery - bailed after the 2nd day on induction - then found a lovely CM...the CM really loves my dd and my dd loves her - it's so apparent. A CM also really tries to keep their routines and to let them sleep or eat when it suits them. Most do daily babygroups and lots of craft etc. I felt so less guilty and the first days back when I was sobbing in the car it really helped to know the CM was an experienced mum who would give cuddles and would send me texts and photos to reassure me. Sorry - not your original question at all but I guess I'm saying if you are sure it's the right child care place it's all so much easier. Hugs. It will feel awful at first but they do settle and they do learn so much from other care givers and children. Be kind to yourself the first weeks. Have easy, quick teas, get clothes and bags ready at the weekend, go to bed at early as you can - and most of all - be kind to yourself. X

My DS went into nursery FT at 8 months and had a great time. Great carers who genuinely adored him, socialised well, no problems with his attachment to me or DH at all. Don't feel guilty. A good nursery is an excellent place for a child to be. Mine also were great with routine, DS had his own cot and could go for a sleep whenever suited him.

I have to say that I felt guilty and sad at first. But my dd learned so much! AND LOVED IT! She is still really enjoying and learning a lot. I have second baby and dont work and will send him part time when he is around 15 months.

Thank you for the replies - a lot of reassurance in there! To those asking, I did consider a CM (nanny getting pretty expensive) but I decided I felt happier with her in nursery, more social and more people to care for her for some reason made me feel better...I may change my mind! I really like the nursery she is going to (not that we had a huge amount of choice, we are in Central London and the waiting lists are crazy, I put her down at 6 weeks old at 4 places and only got this place after much cajoling). Also the only way to get her in for July was for her to join the 12-16m group...I am hoping that the 6 weeks or so till she is 12 months wont make too much difference? Have visions of her being trampled on by older kids it is hard isn't it? I just feel noone will care about her as much as I do and worry they will leave her to fall etc and not take the time to feed her (she can be a bit fussy)...it's all a little irrational as I know they deal with kids all the time...sigh! This is going to happen so I know I just have to deal with it.... Should I brace myself for an awful settling in period of crying etc or any of you found DC adapted pretty fast (ie didn't realise you had left them (hollow haha)?

There will be a period of settling in but how long it lasts varies by child.
For a while she will scream when you drop her off. You'll get in the car and feel like your heart is breaking. You'll probably cry (I did!) and you'll want to turn around and go get her. But you won't because she will be fine. I felt better by thinking of all the other mums I knew who'd already been through the same experience (and survived!).
Babies have an uncanny nack of doing all kinds of new and different things when not with Mummy. Our nursery can get DD2 to lie down and go to sleep. She wouldn't do that for me! If you tell them about hereaying then they will pay special attention to that.
I'd prepare myself for a month of settling in. It may be less than that and sometimes they can be unsettled again later if tired or poorly but it doesn't last long.

Thanks fivepies. I feel better and a bit more rational about it today. As a pp said (sorry on phone and won't let me look back and see your name now!) I will have to do it for school, I am just doing it a little earlier. Settling in starts on 7th, going to try and enjoy our last full week together (don't cry don't cry!!)

I felt exactly the same as you sending my first to nursery at 11 months. She always cried when I left her and often I cried too (after I left!). At the time I hated it and said I would never do it again. With my second I was lucky enough to stay at home and not to have to go to work. Now looking back my first is a happy confident child who will socialise with anyone and makes friends easily. My second who was at home with me is much more shy and clingy and struggled starting the school nursery where he now goes every morning. I think as hard as it is at the time nursery is excellent for your child and they will still love you and nursery will definitely not know them better than you (although I totally remember that feeling!) They have so many to look after they don't get the one on one time you have with your child and they don't have the bond you have created from birth. Don't worry, you will soon settle into your new routine and so will your little one xx

I'm sure it'll be fine :-) But in any case I wanted to offer this: mine went to nursery at 23 months and found the transition quite hard because they were really in the height of the clingy phase. At 10 months I think it would have been a much easier transition.

I'm back to work in 2 weeks and DS2 is 15 weeks. I'm now feeling the dread knowing the halcyon days of lying on the couch with him are over.

But once you go back and get the first 2-3 days over and done with you'll be amazed how quickly you adapt. DS1 is now at preschool (2 1/2) and was at daycare full time from the same age. He is very sociable, has a great immune system (is rarely sick after the first year was over!) and my bond with him certainly hasn't suffered.

As much as I'd love to stay and stare at my baby all day, I know the run up to going back to work is far worse than the actuality of it, for me at least and I hope it's the same for you.

They create bonds with their carers and instead of being sad, I found it a relief when I would leave DS1 in the arms of his beloved Gloria and I know DS2 will love her just the same!

My son only went part time, from 7 months, but has gained so much from nursery. He has friends he has grown up with all his life, watching how close they are at parties etc is wonderful. He has done tons of art and craft which I am terrible at. He has always eaten vegetables and fruit there, even when fussy at home (I think its seeing his peers eat them). I could go on and on
And of course most importantly me working was essential as dh is self employed and when he has had wobbly patches I have been so grateful for my work

Make bedtimes a special time with lots of stories and playing, and try and build fun into the morning routine too. Our journeys to and from nursery are a time for chatting too.

Sorry for late response to this! Been away (last time during the week for a while, sob sob!). Thanks for the reassurance all - first settling in day tomorrow - just an hour and I will be there and OH. Feel nervous! Am most worried about when I actually have to leave her on day 3...may need hand holding and distraction from MN then!!! Or will be sitting sobbing in a cafe somewhere or waiting outside the nursery lurking behind a tree like a mad woman until I can pick her up!

islingtongirl, I strongly suggest planning something to do during that first time leaving her. I didn't and spent the time pacing around the area and bumped into a vague aquaintance and cried on her shoulder, much to her alarm. Oh the shame.

I feel for you OP! My DS is 16 months now and started nursery at 12. You will cry, and it's totally fine and normal. I actually couldn't do anything on the first couple of times I left him, I just went home and fretted!

But then after a day or so I did stuff like had a facial, shopped for new work gear and had coffee/lunch out reading a magazine etc. was lovely! Then I actually had to go to work of course....

I'll be honest and say I worried for the first 2 weeks. He didn't want to eat much there, although he napped ok, and he was soooo tired too. But it's just a transition phase and he now loves it, eats like a horse there etc.

Don't lose heart if it takes a few weeks to feel 'ok' about it. And then when you do you'll feel guilty about that! It will be fine :-)

It's a funny feeling when you get her back & she smells of someone else's scent - but it's a good thing, it means they've been cuddling her!

Morning! Well yesterday was fine - but it was only an hour and OH and I were there...today I leave her for an hour...feeling ok about it..need to plan things though expat! Nursery is slightly chaotic with toys and kids etc but none crying...that's normal right? She seemed happy playing and we even popped out for a few mins here and there and she barely noticed (a few noises when we left the room but distracted soon after)...I also asked the silly pfb question -'are they happy to see their parents when they pick them up?' Betraying my fear I will be forgotten!