Parents with different parenting styles? Can it work?

[Anone]

Just wondering if any of you have a different style to your DP and how you've negotiated a way through your differences.

I am a much more routine-led/ hands-on helicopter parent whilst DP practises benign neglect. We seem to have become totally polarised along these lines. I feel it causes a lot of conflict. His way enables him to not get too involved with anything but because I don't want to parent in that manner, I end up with much more of the childcare and probably resent the fact that he doesn't make more of an effort.

He wants me to take a step back I want him to be more involved.Do you think it's possible to be very different and yet stay together/parent successfully?

It sounds more like the more one of you does A, the more the other does B as just a natural consequence of having different views. I think it's OK to have different opinions and slightly differing approaches but cohesion is better in the long run because you run the risk of undermining each other and confusing the kids on things like discipline or boundaries.

Have you tried taking a totally different approach...more coaxing the horse to water than trying to forcefully drag it? When he says he wants you to be more hands off suggest you try each others styles as an experiment to understand why you're both so sure your way is best? Instead of butting heads all the time about it and as you say, you both becoming more and more polarised by your stances, this might lead to more understanding from each other and coming together than apart?

I don't know if it'd work mind - it requires your DH to be willing to try in the spirit of wanting to fix this issue rather than digging his heels in and deciding he's right anyway. You might also find you view things differently when trying his way.

DH and I are mostly on the same page with our approach but we have run into differences over specific things. Sometimes I still think I'm right but other times I've seen DH demonstrate a different way and I've realised his ideas were better. So I think there's definitely room being open to a different way. But I can imagine his benign neglect approach causes a knee-jerk reaction of you thinking the kids will feel no one cares if you do that too and so over-compensate? It doesn't have to be that way...there is a middle ground. FWIW I err more on the side of "letting them get on with it" for social interaction, play, activities - I'm involved and chatty but I also try to step back because I believe my DS needs to learn a lot of things himself. Could this be where your DH is coming from but has taken it to extremes in response to this conflict?

How old is your LO and do you both work? Dh and I have different parenting styles and yes it's caused conflict at times. But I could never say that dh isn't hands on. He's had to be because we both work. I'm more of a gentle parenting style and dh is harder. We've had disagreements but make a conscious effort not to undermine each other, accept that our styles are different and ultimately talk about things that really annoy each other to find some middle ground. Ds benefits from having 2 fully engaged parents, even if we do disagree from time to time. I too would be very concerned that your dp isn't engaged in childcare.

Thanks for your responses. I shall read and digest properly later. To clarify we have two DC, one in school , one in nursery. I work part-time, he works full.

Of course DP does have to do some childcare during holidays when I have to work and we split the care but when I'm around I find I end up doing most of it/initiating it etc ( maybe because he knows I will do it). If I need help I feel I always have to ask. I don't know if that's normal.

DP does take them out ( to his parents) so I do get a break from time to time but I feel he relies a bit too much on TV etc when in the house.

I admit I'm a bit too jazz hands at times but i don't have much tolerance for bored/whiny children. As they've got older they do entertain each other more and I can step back a bit anyway.

I just sometimes think that I perhaps resent/envy his ability to parent from the sofa whilst watching football/glued to iphone. And to be honest I think its antisocial.

I accept this may be normal in many households and I may be the one in the wrong here.