after 3 years i feel like a bad mum

[irgmama]

My lg just turned three and I feel like we have lost our bond, I mean I still love her and would never hurt her but before I used to look at her and feel this rush of love and hated leaving her and just enjoyed every single minute I spent with her,now I look forward to time away and I don't really like being alone with her so I find myself just plonking her in front of the telly and doing my own thing.It started when she started saying she didn't want me anymore and I know she is only a child but I can't describe the feeling of hurt that came with that sentence, when her dad is around she will pick things up and say throw this at mummy and do this to mummy ( he doesn't of course) he just brushes it off and doesn't see how it is affecting me. I don't really want to tell people how I feel cause we have All heard of post natal depression but I have never heard of the home being lost after 3 years !! Someone tell me it will get better

Oh gosh, ds is 3.5 and has at various points told me he doesn't like me, doesn't love me, wants a new mummy etc etc. It can be hurtful but you have to try and remember that you're their world and it's all part of their emotional development. I usually say "well I think you do, you're just a bit grumpy/ angry. I still love you whatever you say or do." And let him have some alone time. Pre schoolers are hard work and I definitely find it easier to have some time away from him than I used to!

God, I feel like this all the time! Sometimes I feel that rush of love, but others I just feel angry and irritated! I do think this is a tough age, they're not babies anymore so some of their behaviour is deliberate. I always think to myself, if my mate was behaving like a devil I wouldn't like her much, so it's not that surprising that we don't feel a rush of love for someone who is making our lives difficult!! X

There are days when I don't feel "the rush" for DS until he's asleep. Then I look at him my heart aches with love and guilt that we've spent most of the day in a grump with each other.

3 is such a hard age, but she's like this with you precisely because she's sure of your love. Make sure you get time to yourself and can wind down in the evenings when she's in bed. (I wish I could take my own advice!)

There a sweet book called No Matter What by Debi Gliori that
I read with DS when we've had a particularly bad day. It reminds both of us that I love him really!

I haven't hit the 'I don't love you mummy' yet with my nearly 3 yo, but I'm sure it's just around the corner... I definitely can identify with being sad that that constant gush of love has gone. The challenging behaviour definitely makes me enjoy him less- and on the weekends DH who is at work all day makes me feel like I'm impatient with him!

Anyhow- my only suggestion is a having a look at book I read recently called 'when your kids push your buttons - and what to do about it' by Bonnie Harris. Not new or trendy just incredibly insightful. A friend who is a psychologist gave it to me.

Sounds like one of your big 'buttons' is related to her (very common) pre-schooler behaviours saying and acting like she doesn't love you. My buttons are more around socially unacceptable behaviours like whining, not following instructions and being defiant (esp in front of my MIL!) We all have some things that really get under our skin- and when it's a real problem for you it can rock the whole relatonship. It's true that we are the adult, but sometimes it's just hard to know what the hell to do to change our own reactions or behaviour. The book kind of explains why and how we have these 'buttons' and how to move towards not letting them get to you so much. It really opened my eyes about my relationship with my kid, but also those with my parents and partner.

Hope that helps.

Both my dcs were AWFUL when they were 3. I used to fantasise about running away. I found the book raising a spirited child really useful. It sounds like your dd is employing the method of divide and conquer. Your DH needs to tell her to stop saying it and you to tell her to stop it. You have to understand she is trying this on. It feels personal but isn't, you only exist as an extension of her needs. There are depression check lists at the doctors. I started depression around the time ds2 was 2. Not him, my batshit crazy mother!