At the end of my tether with DSs, 6 and 4

[Minki]

I am a single parent of two DSs, 6 and 4. Both boys have always been very energetic/rowdy but in the last few months their behaviour is getting worse. They fight a fair amount but it's mainly that I just find them so LOUD and uncontrollable. We were out earlier and DS2 wanted to go to a pizza restaurant for lunch, DS1 didn't so starts screaming and crying. This happens all the time and I am fed up with trying to manage both their reactions which always seem to be OTT. Maybe I give them too much and they have come to expect things which is why they react so badly when I say no. I do usually stick to my guns and don't give in but it's just so wearing to have constant bickering, fighting, moaning and tantrums. They do sometimes play nicely together and do nice things for me and each other but lately it has been such hard going. DS1 in particular has to be told things 20 times - get down from there, put your shoes on, tidy your room. Just becomes a nightmare! I work full time in a fairly high pressured job and just want to enjoy my time with them at the weekends rather than screaming at them the whole time. I am also a single parent which does not help on the discipline side. They do see their dad several times a week (no sleepovers) but are often rude to him. He tries, and fails, to discipline them. DS1 actively dislikes his father, possibly because he feels abandoned because ex DH had an affair and left us (DS1 obviously does't know this and I have NEVER said anything negative about my ex and have done all I can to encourage the relationship. It just doesn't happen though. DS2 is at pre-school and always gets glowing reports about how kind/friendly/sociable he is, which are true, but I am worried he is starting to copy his brother. DS1 is not having any trouble at school (reading, maths etc all fine) but his teacher did say to me the other week that he is quite confrontational with other children when he doesn't like them and tell them that he doesn't! I have always tried to instil in them manners/respect for other people's feelings etc so I don't know why they are behaving like this. What am I doing wrong?

What are doing well as a single Mum though? It's never easy Hun - but you sound like you are getting on with it well. You are not responsible for all your son's behaviours - especially if you are already instilling discipline on a regularly basis. It is normal for little brothers to copy aspects of their older brothers behaviours - so my suggestion is start with DS1 first. Perhaps with DS1 it is time to start giving some responsibility back to him e.g. 'I asked you to ...that was not done - so here are the consequences'.

Children at 6 and 4 can be quite ego-centric - as their first preference is always to get their own needs sorted. This can be tricky when you are tired/stressed/lonely/frustrated. Please feel assured that this will get better with time and as they become more able to see things from your point of view. It's good that you are sticking to your guns - it will help them to become more self-disciplined and respectful later.

Ultimately; you want them to be able to cooperate more (which each other and you). Have you decided exactly what behaviour you need from them? For example : I need DS1 to respond to my requests within ... calls (kids this age rarely listen first time), or DS2 will be fussed over every time he is being quiet/doesn't copy his brother. I think they need to know that they will get your attention only when they are being good and you will be very matter-of-fact when they are misbehaving e.g : Because there has been a tantrum/crying/fighting - I will not be taking you to'...then no further conversation and sticking by your resolution. Plenty of this just in an intensive two week period - I am sure that you will start seeing the results.

I do have questions about how long ago you split with your ex and what info has been passed on to the boys about it. Children at this age are surprisingly intuitive and will make up their own minds in the absence of information. Is there anything extra that you can share with them that you think they will understand and is kind to all? I also wonder if seeing Dad so regularly /'chopping and changing' between parents is having an unsettling influence on them (only you can answer that one). Could there be a pattern that is more friendly to them?

Not sure if I am hitting the spot or not - let me know

What worked for our 4 yo DTs was a pasta jar. They get a piece of pasta for cooperating with each other, being kind, playing nicely. 10 bits of pasta ( earned between them) gets a treat ( eg small bag haribo).

Worked within a couple of days. Rewards are now eked out to about 2 per week.

I think you need to introduce consequences, I wouldn't ask my DS to do something more than twice. Our consequences are losing screen time, no pudding, no ice cream from the van, favourite toy removed.

DS knows I'll always stick to my word so doesn't mess me around, DH on the other hand finds it difficult to be consistent with rules and boundaries and pays the price.

My kids ended up having a day each. Their initials went on the calendar alternating each day. When it was their day they sat in the front of the car, chose the diner plate, where to eat if that was happening etc etc.
also use one cuts the other one picks the piece therefore it is fair.
Get a book on sibling rivalry it will help.

Lairy, thanks for the tip but that would not motivate them. I have tried numerous star charts, giving them £1 for good behaviour etc. Generally doesn't work. And Catching, there are consequences for failure to do as they are told, e.g. no TV etc, but there is no way I could implement a punishment for small/minor things, e.g. not listening as we would reach gridlock in seconds. I had to ask them more than twice. We literally wouldn't make it out the house in the morning! These kids are tough and quite smart and are not won over by star charts / pasta shapes or the like.