Hard to admit but....i think i regret having a 2nd child...

[sleepinbeauty]

This is so hard to discuss, and its a bit taboo really , but i have struggled SO much since having my 2nd child that sometimes i wish i hadnt got pregnant. When i only had my dd things were pretty much perfect, and life was so easy just with the one.
Now ds is 2.6, he has never slept through the night in his life...instead sleeps from 10pm til 5.45am, with numerous wake-ups all through the night. my husband and i have not even slept in the same room as each other for nearly a year as our ds is so desperate to sleep with his dad and i have to move rooms in order just to get some sleep.i dont know what to do , i just wish i had stuck to the one child, even though i adore him.My dd and ds just fight constantly, i feel as though my whole life is dedicated to stopping them fighting and living with sleep deprivation.Even going to the shops with him is a total no-no. Help!!

Sleepinbeauty - blimey love, sounds like you're having a tough time.

IME, everything is 110% harder when you & kids aren't sleeping - ds1 was a rubbish sleeper, and boy does it flatten you...Is there anything you can do to tackle the sleep thing/break that cycle - I've seen links elsewhere for sleep therapists who do stuff on phone which I've heard people have great experiences - will toddle off & see if I can find one...

On broader point, think more people than we know find the move from 1 to 2 really hard work - of my close mates, 3 have had pnd after the 2nd one. Suspect you are not alone.

Haven't got anything else useful to suggest, but good luck, & bumping this so someone with more relevant experience can help.

This sounds really tough, sb. Please don"t feel that it is wrong to say it, though. It is a perfectly understandable feeling when you are struggling like this. (but you might like to glance at the thread elsewhere by someone feeling guilty and torn for deciding to have just one child...whatever we do we will give ourselves grief for it!)
Lack of sleep for you sounds like the biggest problem of all; everything gets harder when you havent slept properly yourself.
What exactly is the problem with your ds, during the daytime? What does he do that is so difficult, and what have you tried?
Do you feel that it could be some kind of reaction, is he allergic to something? Is it worse when he has been to certain places, eaten certain things?
What do you feel in your intuition is causing the problme with him waking up?
Have you tried talking to your Hv to start with, to get a perspective on things?
I have to go now, but persevere, hopefully others will be along with good advice.

so sorry to hear this. i think its lack of sleep and the disruptiob all day. prob where he is tired. im guessing youve 'read all the books' regarding sleep training, if not, amybe an idea.

good luck, he wont be doing this forever!

cx

It sounds like I could have written your post a year ago!!! I have a DD (6) and DS (4) neither was planned and although I love them to bits and find it a lot easier now when they were toddlers I did find it very hard. DD has always been a good sleeper and before DS was born I always felt like I was lucky having such a good baby - all that changed when DS arrived!!! Up until a year ago we never managed one night without him waking through the night, now he wakes around 3 times a week but goes straight back off so its not too bad. He starts school tomorrow and believe me I am heaving a big sigh of relief.

Yes I know the arguing thing, it drives me up the post too. Mine argue over anything and everything, it has been bliss today as DD was at school and DS was an angel on his own, as soon as she got home from school all hell broke out!

I definitely sympathise although mine are a little older now so much easier to manage.

sleepinbeauty - I feel the same at times.

It's not a sleep problem though. I will be 43 this month and ds has just turned 2.6 - I am permanently tired even though they both sleep fine on the whole.

sorry, not helping am I?

Sorry you are having such a hard time

You shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Lack of sleep is awful and I think about how much easier my life would be without my dd quite a lot although I love her more than anything. My little girl goes through phases of being really difficult (don't they all) but trying to make friends is really difficult when your child is terrorising everyone else's kids! I feel really guilty for wishing for my old life back and so it is good to know we are not alone - thank you for starting this thread.

I only have one child but when I see my friends with 2 kids I wonder how on earth they manage. It does sound like you are having an exceptionally hard time. Have you talked to your health visitor? Have you got friends or family who could let you have a few hours kip? All the old cliches stand true unfortunately - winding down, routine, quiet times.

If all else fails have you read toddler taming by Dr Chris Green? I read his book when I felt at my wits end - it was good advice, practical light and funny. I have just had a quick flick through and he offers some good practical advice on sleep (30 pages). He also suggests use of a sedative for the child for a few nights to help establish a good sleep pattern and to enable you to get some quality sleep. The drug he suggests is called Vallergan. The book was published in 2001 so I don't know how current that is but it might be worth having a chat with your doctor. I can understand reluctance to give a child a sedative but Chris Green makes it very clear that it is only meant to be used for a few nights to change the behaviour pattern and nothing else. I might be a bad mum but I think in your shoes I might consider it. Ps I bought the book on ebay for about a fiver.

Sleepinbeauty....awww...sounds like you are going through some difficult times and am hoping it will get better soon for you!
I have gone through real resentment with ds#3 and there were times I wished I never had him, etc...in those times...but we seem to have turned a corner and I could not imagine our family to be without him...just don't be to hard with yourself.

I have to admit that while i was wheeling my v expensive double buggy with a flat tyre and weighed down by my very heavy 2yo and 5mo children along a narrow pavement next to a busy A road for two hours to get home today... that i allowed myself to think how much easier it would be to have just one child still esp as i have mastitis so am feeling particularly low at the mo. It is very easy to get overwhelmed by the difficulties and lose sight of the many joys having more than one child brings - when my ds gives his little sis a hug or brings her a toy if she is crying i am reminded. try and get as much help as you can to sort out the sleep problem.You are not alone in your feelings you have just been brave and honest enough to voice them.

What an absolute nightmare for you I'm so sorry you're having such a godawful time.
Firstly I agree with sedative idea, my sister is a paediatrician and she has done this herself on her kids.
Secondly if it was me I would have to do the super nanny thing for the sanity of the whole family. I would decide where I wanted him to sleep and accept that its going to be very tough to follow through with it for a while but I would stick to my guns. Little kids desperately need boundaries as psychologiacaly it makes them feel safer and relaxed - eventually.
He needs to know his room is a special place so maybe do some fun things in there during the day, just you and him so he grows to love it.
Don't tolerate the fighting thing either, do the naughty step thing etc.
Also check his diet and cut out stimulating things like sugar and colours if he usually has any of that.
My dp is a cranial osteopath and has seen some amazing results with poor sleepers so that's DEFINITELY worth a go.
I have done reiki on a "naughty" boy and it really changed him. so thats also worth a go.
I hope this has helped you have my deepest sympathies. Lots of love to you xxxx

have you thought about seeing a cranial osteopath, I took my daughter to one although he was very young but it worked wonders, anything is worth a try I think before you snap, because love our babies as we all do, we all have our limits and your relationship with dh is suffering too, the least you want after a hard day with them is to cuddle up with your husband not be in separate beds

sb

know pretty much exactly where you are coming from.

my oldest is 3 and wakes around 2 times in the night

my youngest is 14 months and wakes around 6 times. And needs to be walked.

Dh and I just take a kid each and go into our separate bedrooms atm. Which is shite.

I know, when I am marginally less tired, I am far far more fun. I can handle them better. I am a lot happier.

All I can say is, hang in there, I think what you're feeling is actually quite common. Just...hang in there!

i think its quite common too and not enough people talk about how crap theyre feeling. had 2 friends round the othernight and i was telling them how mad my dd made me.my friend commented"oh i get like that too but i didnt realise you did - you always seem so calm and happy with them" keep talking to your friends and dont try to be supermum. you cant do it all.
(would definitely recommend the supernanny thing)

good book to read to accept that your feelings are entirely normal - 3 shoes, one sock and no hairbrush. available on amazon.

FWIW I did the sedative thing to get controlled crying to work on my DS and it sorted him out after just a few nights.

Good luck

whiffy - i don't want to hijack but could you tell me a bit more about that book - it sounds SOOO like my house in the morning

Actually quite a depressing book with lots and lots of quotes from people who thought 2nd child would be a breeze and then found that difficulties multiplied, esp with regard to taboo subjects (eg preferring one child to the other, strain on marriages, etc) Not a book to read before having a baby but I think a lifesaver in terms of knowing you are not alone when the going gets tough, and it also points to the light at the end of the tunnel that others on this thread refer to...

I dont find it hard to admit that I regret having a second child. I think its normal sometimes when you are tired and stressed to think back to the 'easier' days

I love both my boys and couldnt choose between them. I never think 'Oh I regret having xxxxx' because it doesnt work like that, but sometimes I do think 'arrghhh I should have just had the one!' Either of them would do mostly which ever one is being well behaved at the time!

I am fed up with them fighting, and waking up at alternate intervals etc.... but then you get the times where they keep each other amused or ds1 will give ds2 a hug when he falls over and its all worthwhile. They are 4.5 and 2.5

whiffy, i did find that book helpful but my god, have you seen the other stuff she writes? she really is a professional whinger. I liked the book because 9/10, it IS better than that, it has to be!

SB, I hope things improve for you, IMO you really should look at introducing a little Supernanny-style discipline at night time - not just for ds1 but for the sake of all four of you. Controlled crying usually does work and as your ds is old enough to understand I wouldn't feel guilty about carrying it out!

I have two dds, aged 10 mths and 2.6 and boy am i finding it a struggle. dd2 was a complete 'surprise' and while I don't regret having children I do sometimes wish for my old life back; going to work and focusing purely on dh and myself was a walk in the park compared to our lives now! I particularly miss the lifestyle that came with having the freedom to do whatever i wanted, whenever - not to mention the financial freedom we had on a double income.

As i think another poster has said, thanks for bringing up this subject, you're not alone x.

I agree with the archangel - its time to sort out the night times. DH and I always tackle bigger issues - like coming in our bed, getting rid of the dummy etc when we are are at the end of our tether and it sounds like thats where you are. imho children have a nack of knowing that their number is up and you really mean business. My guess is a feww nights of real hell (they aren't good anyhow)to get your self some undisturbed sleep in your own bed with your hubby -

Are you getting the children out enough during the day? I had to continue walking dogs, doing ponies etc even with new borns in tow, they all got heaps of fresh air & exercise and all slept well (so did I)! Friends with children, particularly toddlers, that wouldn't sleep found things improved a whole lot after they started pre-school. I think this has as much to do about getting out of confined space of a house as much as the resultant running about.

I agree with the sleep training thing - pick a time when life is quiet(ish) and dig in. It'll pay off hugely.

Sorry about the bickering - it will improve when the kids are spending more time apart and gain their own friends but they're sibs so they like to argue

god i remember reading that book b4 second child and thought "i wont feel like that"
boy was i wrong.
both mine have always slept thro and they know i wont have it any other way. sometimes i think im mean and today weve had kicking, biting, screaming and attitude - and thats just the 7 year old.at times like that i stand back and TRY to remember that everyone else is going thro the same....

Ds started pre school yesterday, and still slept terribly! he demands drinks all through the night, kicks and punches us all night etc..
my mum bought me that book you mentioned, when i was pregnant with my 2nd child, it depressed me and made me wonder what i was doing having a 2nd child..... and now its even worse in real life! Now my dh's best friend is moving in with us for a while, he is going to have ds's room so ds will be in with us for ages now, no chance of getting him to sleep in his owm bed
Ds does get lots of exercise really but it helps him to nap during the daytime, but not at night,he also has night terrors/mares all the time!
thanks for all your advice.