is it really bad to tell your child you are disgusted with them?

[losenotloose]

on a regular basis, I'm sure it's wrong, but last night after many nights of bedtime nonsense, I went up and told them (8 and 5.9 year olds) that I was disgusted with them and that I couldn't believe they were still carrying on with the behavior. I said it with real venom, and felt no guilt. but now I feel terrible and like this kind of thing might effect their self esteem.

was it terrible behaviour from me, or am I over thinking?

I personally wouldn't have used that word.

"Disappointed in you" was always much more effective when DS was that age.

Oh mumblechum, I'd have been so much sadder to disappoint my parents than I would have been to disgust them

I think the "expert" advice is that we have to say we're disgusted/disappointed with the behaviour rather than the child but once in a while I don't think it hurts children to know they've upset you.

Dont' think it will have a negative effect on their self-esteem at all. The world they go out into will not treat their self-esteem with cotton wool.

You used a strong word because they were making bad choices. Stop beating yourself up.

I think that's a bit too harsh. I would say disappointed/annoyed with. Not disgusted. That implies something really repulsive.

I wouldn't normally have used it either, but I was so far past disappointed I couldn't control myself.

I'm actually getting quite depressed about bedtimes at the moment, we live in a one bedroom flat so I can't even put them separately. it's really making me lose confidence in my parenting if I can't even get them to stop messing about at bedtime.

anyway, it was wrong and I won't do it again. sigh

It's not the worst thing in the world. If you told them this all the time, maybe, but it's one time when you were really stressed. They'll cope.

Can you do some sort of sticker chart thing and they get/lose treats depending on their bedtime behaviour?

they had been sent to bed early as a consequence to messing about the night before, so I stupidly thought they wouldn't want to risk losing time again. they just don't seem to care.

I know this is pathetic, but it hurts that a. they don't care about my feelings and b. I have no authority to deal with it.

ds1 was apologetic this morning, I won't mess about again etc, without me mentioning it.

Bed time is shit at this time of year - who wants to go to bed when it is sunny out? Not me!

(Am really struggling with mine and live in a big enough house so it's not just your living arrangements, though that would make it much worse!)

I also feel (while screaming at my kids to STFU) that screaming at them to STFU is not creating the most restful of atmospheres around sleep time.

I have started to potter around their bedroom in the evening, tidying things away, folding stuff, maybe chatting quietly until they seem sort of relaxed and a bit more settled because often the process of getting ready for bed means we are all over excited/stressed.

Could you maybe let the older one do something grown up (reading a comic, minecraft in the living room while you supervise toothbrushing, reading etc for younger one? And make it really lovely and cuddly and bang on about how lovely it is to have special time with just one. I find if I get mine to bed separately they are much less hyper than if i pack them off together.
Anyhow, it is shit at this time of year and you have my sympathy!

Oh it is so exasperating when they play up at bedtimes! I'd say disgusted in the behaviour, but I do agree with proudmama too.

I have three boys in one room and they can be real little shits at bedtime. They were ok for months, then last month we went away and they have started it again. The threat of an earlier bedtime seems to do nothing, and then they are jsut worse the next night because they are in bed earlier and not sleepy.

I tell them if one of them does something, another is to come and tell me, which helps a bit. I've also grounded them, and removed screen time the next day with a bit more success. Mine are 9 year old twins and 12 year old, so not being allowed out to the park to play footy is a big deal to them.

I think I've got to start making ds2 sleep before I send ds1 up. ds2 might take a while to get to sleep, but at least the squealing and messing about will stop.

so bedtimes are crap for lots of people, it's not me being a shit parent?

I rarely use harsh/powerful words like disgusted, disappointed etc as I've found that the more I use them, the more they get ignored and so, the less effective they are. I tend to keep them for times when they would be more likely to make the DC stop and think about their behaviour. A combination of that and asking the DC to sit down in a quiet room and think back on what they've done seems to keep them in line without too much bother.

Mine share a room. If they piss about I make the main instigator come downstairs and do chores until the other is asleep.

They don't piss about very often now.

D0oining that's a little bit genius :) Nice immediate consequence, takes out the noisy bedroom situation and helps you out too.

My two are beyond this now (teens) but I don't think that it is very terrible to lose your cool every now and then, especially when it's been building up for a while and is therefore predictable (so not a scary out of the blue yell but one where most kids should be able to look back and think 'we messed about and mum got cross - we went too far') of course it's not great that things got to such a position, but I'm sure most parents will have had similar at some point.

I think the only issue is that Einstein quote, 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results'.

ha, ds1 would love that, any excuse to come downstairs, even cleaning. well, I'm out tonight so dh will have to deal with any nonsense!

I believe it is bad, as a parent your job is to nourish, teach, and help your kids grow- saying stuff like “I’m disgusted with you” can really bring down a child’s self esteem and make them feel terrible. Yes it is aggravating when a child doesn’t listen but just like you it’s their first time on this earth. And in a sort of way saying your disgusted with your child can make them feel that you don’t care for them, like when people call something they don’t like “disgusting” it’s associating them with bad things…like a spider, or a food you don’t like. Nonetheless you made a mistake and don’t let your ego tell you not to apologize for wrong actions and make sure not to continue saying this stuff or it will just become toxic behavior and abuse.

@Somerandomcommenter why are you replying to a decade-old thread?