12/13 year is old killing us! Is this normal?

[proudmama2772]

Everyone tells you 12 year old girls are hormonal and difficult. 'It's normal.' I am now in counseling with my daughter - not really sure how much it is going to help. Despite trying everything I can't control her behaviour.

Basically since about age 11 we are finding life with a pre-pubescent extremely taxing. More difficult than life with a 2-year-old. When she gets angry and says something disrespectful I will attempt to take away her phone. She then tries to grab it back and then has taken my phone and run outside with it. She will stalk me around the house when she knows I am trying to remain calm. She slams doors in front of us. She gives us evil wicked looks almost all the time.

We were late for school one morning last year and I told her I had to drop off her two younger siblings first and she freaked out and would barely let me get them ready for school. She wouldn't let it go. 45 minutes of hell.

Its been a year and half now that we get to the end of a weekend and realize that there has been little positive family time at all. I quit my job. I missed two days of work because I felt like I was having a breakdown over it- something I have never done in my entire life - and recently decided the stress of work and kids wasn't worth it. Fortunately we can survive without me working.

I went to her GP and he made referral for counseling that was eventually rejected based on selection criteria, so we are paying private. I'm not sure the counselor gets it. How bad it is.

Its gotten a little better with my husband taking on more of a disciplinarian role with me just trying to talk to her - reach her - because she hates me so thoroughly.

I have no real advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run.

The counselling sounds like a good idea. I was a difficult teen and couldn't relate to my parents. Deep down I still wanted them to care and love me, but all I could express was anger and resentment. It must have been hell for my parents, but I bet from your daughter's point of view she is just as confused and upset as you are.

Hopefully going to counselling with show her how much you care, and how seriously you take the fact that she is unhappy, as well as the fact that the counselling itself should make you relate better to each other

When I think back on when I was a teen (am 36yo now so a good 22/23yrs ago), I can see that I was very similar to your DD. I felt unsure of myself because I was frightened of what was happening to my mind and body during puberty. I realise now that it was a massive step in maturing, and although it may not seem like it to us parents (after all, we've been through it) but it may feel like a huge step for your DD. That can be very frightening and the fear of this process may well be a major factor in your DD's behaviour.

From your OP, I get the feeling that she is scared. It could just the puberty process in general and she may be feeling unnerved and irritable due to the wonderful hormones . Sometimes it's hard to be objective when emotions and tensions are running high, especially when you're in the middle of it all, which leads me to the old phrase "can't see the wood for the trees". Sometimes us parents need to take a step back and see the situation as an outsider would see them.

I think, from an outsider POV, that your DD needs to reconnect with you. If that means getting the other DC looked after for a few hours, then you can spend some time together bonding. I get the feeling that she needs to know that you're there for her. Extra reassurance wouldn't go amiss either. In essence, it is a hard time for many teens. I know I was questioning who I was, was extra sensitive and the frustrations and fear of the changes my body and mind was going through was hard to take in and process. Sometimes teens can't express themselves adequately so may act out due to frustration and fear, which, in turn, can come across as the person being selfish. Sometimes they just don't know what to do, which can lead to acting out.

My own DD is getting to the point where she is going off in a huff, being stroppy and moody, slamming doors etc. I ignore the bad behaviour and hug her for the good behaviour. I would generally give DD a big tight hug in the middle of her strop/tantrum and she kind of 'melts' and calms down IYSWIM. I see it as my job to help DD express herself and on some occasions I choose words and explain what they mean. This helps DD express how she feels a lot better, which means less frustration and fear and a lot less hissy fits

I hope this insight gives you something to work on and helps you understand why your DD in the way she is. It'll pass and you may both go for a cuppa and laugh about the funny bits of her strops.

proud sorry but I don't have any advice, just thought it might be worth asking MNHQ to move this thread to the teenagers section. You might get a few more responses

Yes, Chiggers it helps a lot. Thanks so much. She is terrified of growing up and hates the changes in her body so sounds very similar.

cinimalovers, really appreciate your post.

It may help to have routine bonding time with all your DC, so they all feel equally connected and bonded with you. The way I see your situation is that you have a problem and you need to find a solution to it. Problem is your DD and her moods along with her hissy fits. To remedy the situation you and your DD need to spend some time together talking about what you both need, in a calm relaxed situation (cuppa at a café, a nice walk etc). You can then figure out what the solution to the problem is and go from there. It's so easy to be objective when your not in the middle of it all, so this is where other people come in to help you see things from a different perspective.

If you need more insight into being a hormonal stroppy teen, then I'm quite happy to draw on my own experiences to help you as much as possible. Obviously I can't tell you exactly how your DD is feeling as I'm not her and didn't feel exactly the same way, but we sound pretty similar. Being a parent, I can see the problem from both sides, so I have a feel for what the problem is, but also what you may need to do to solve it.

I'm away to bed soon, but I'll be back in the morning.

Take care til then

I'd say ignore as much as possible so dirty looks, door slamming, muttering insults and swearwords just pretend you haven't noticed. Save the battles for the big stuff. Notice every positive and comment on it and make time to have 1 to 1 with her every week (go for a coffee and a cake, talk about the soaps or music anything other than her behaviour)
Dd had terrible PMT at 12, having a magazine and a bar of chocolate to take up to her on the bad weeks had a far more positive effect than pulling her up on her attitude ever would have.

I cringe when I think of how I must have been as a teenager, hormonal, confused, scared of my body changes, boys, spots, exams, everything! there is so much going on!

Have you heard of the 'love bomb'? I actually read a link about it on here and it sounds great, maybe you could try it with her. A weekend or day with her just giving her loads off attention and letting her call all the shots completely. Try to reconnect the mum daughter bond? Shopping, hairdressers, nails, lunch? What sort of things is she in to?
X

Unfortunately this sounds very normal. I feel counselling for her will just make her feel she is abnormal but I feel counselling for you would be good.
Hormone years can affect kids to different degrees. Some hardly change while others can have it with bells on.
She doesn't sound at the extreme end.
Don't punish by taking things off her as the only result is the feeling of hatred towards you.
Pick your battles.
Write down how you feel. Don't say you do this you do that.
Say that you are proud of her. Tell her when she screams swears at you it really hurts. Tell her you will always be there for her. Give her the letter and walk away. Writing it down means there is no tone, facial expression, etc. she can read and retread it. Digest it and think about it. She may calm down for a very short while.
Her hormones will be causing her to feel such rage and anger for no reason. My daughter was the same. It lasted 4 years. It was hell at times. But now she is fantastic. She looks back and can't explain her outbursts. Good luck.