Avoiding "Middle Child Syndrome"?!

[AngelsInWinter]

Is there truth to this?

I was a middle child and was/am the scapegoat, black sheep, odd one out, and bullied member of the family :( the birth order went girl, girl, boy and when my mother had me she desperately wanted a boy.

We have three DC, and will more than likely be stopping at three. However, I'm not sure that our middle one is a "true" middle child.

She's mine and DP's first child together (dc1 has a different father although has no contact with him and has been raised by DP)

She was our first girl

She was my first home birth

I suppose I'm just worried that she'll have some kind of complex from being in the middle, and wondering if there's any way to avoid it?!

I really think you're well on the way to avoiding this problem just by being aware that it's a possibility, OP. "Middle child syndrome" is the situation of being overlooked and not getting equal parental attention because the first child and the "baby" receive most of it - the oldest because they're the most "interesting" in doing everything new first, and the youngest because parents are often reluctant to end the close "baby" relationship. The overlooking of the middle child is usually accidental, with he/she being left to fend for themselves, rather than any deliberately neglect. I think the fact that you know there is a potential for this means that it's much less likely to happen - you will make a big effort to ensure your middle child gets just as much attention as your oldest and youngest children.

I think the key is to treat all three children purely as individuals, independent of their birth order. Try to give each one regular one-to-one time with you, doing something they enjoy, as this really builds self-esteem and confidence. There will be times when one may temporarily need more attention than the others if he/she is having problems and obviously you shouldn't hesitate to give this. As long as the majority of the time, your time and attention is allocated fairly, all will be well!

Sorry that you felt that way about your childhood, but it really isn't typical.
I suspect most of us with siblings felt that the other siblings got the better deal at one point or another - it's pretty normal in sibling rivalry.
There's absolutely no reason why she should have a complex.
My middle dc is supremely confident and there's no trace of any complex.

I'm the middle girl in the same birth order as you describe (girl, girl, boy) and whilst I may have flounced about dramatically around during my teens claiming that my mum loved my older sister more because she was the first, and my dad loved my brother more because he was a boy and the youngest, I never ever genuinely felt that my parents ever treated us anyway other than as individuals, and I always always felt that they loved us all equally and from the bottom of their hearts.

I think the sadness in your post stems from your knowledge that you know your mother hoped that you had been a boy. That isn't something any child needs to know and I feel for you because being one of three, it can be easy to convince yourself that you are surplus to requirements. And when you add to that, knowledge of your mother's feelings and your feelings of being the scapegoat and black sheep, it definitely creates a "middle child syndrome" of sorts, and one that is negative.

I think the key to actively avoiding any "middle child syndrome" is to make sure all your children are treated as individuals and that they get equal time with you alone.

I have two boys (DS1 2.9 and DS2 12 weeks) and definitely want to make sure they both grow up with interests in different things - I hope this will help avoid too much rivalry and the thought that we're comparing them (if they play the same sport for example and one is better at it than the other).

As others say, its completely normal for any sibling to feel they got the raw end of the deal no matter where their place in the family.

Best of luck.

This is of huge interest to me as I'm about to have DC3 any day (currently 40+6!) and a big factor in waiting nearly 4 years between DC2 and 3 was worrying over making our baby a middle child and worrying she'd get lost somehow. DH and I are both one of two so really fretted about how we could manage a different dynamic.

But we will (barring a completely wrong scan) have boy, girl, boy so our middle one will have a uniqueness automatically, and it's immediately obvious that we didn't have DC3 because we were 'lacking' a particular gender. And already her personality is more instinctively understandable to me - I have to work harder to 'get' her older brother as he has a different emotional personality to me - so I hope she won't be the odd one out in any way.

Friends with 3 do seem to more obviously have an awkward child, one that is trickier than the others for whatever reason, but I think that is part and parcel of having more personalities in the house and it's not always the middle one anyway.

It's not just confined to odd numbers either. I have a friend with 4, who has boy, girl, boy, boy and is most worried about number 3 because he's not the oldest, youngest or only girl. But she's aware it could be an issue so very aware she needs to treat him individually and find ways of not just treating him as one of a crowd.

Thanks everyone!

I definitely treat them as individuals - I think it would be impossible not to. DC1 and 2 are like chalk and cheese - one has olive skin and chocolate brown eyes; the other has bright blue eyes, fair skin and blonde hair. Their personalities are completely different too. And yes we didn't have dc3 to get a particular gender as we already had one of each.

My mother was very abusive and I'm not which helps!

If anything dc1 is left out a bit, but that's a different thread.

Ooh, and good luck evertonmint! Xx

I think you should get some counselling to talk about your feelings.

Especially as the thing I have noticed is that the middle one can quite often "feel" neglected even if they are getting more of everything.