What would a good mother do?

[fightingmybattle]

It was about 5 in the afternoon, I was at the supermarket with DS1, who is 4, and DS2, who is 18 months. DS2 was on the sling, DS1 walking. Both tired and hungry, so I was trying to be quick. I agreed to buy them a snack.

DS2 was making a a fuss, trying to grab all the footballs used in the decoration, screaming. DS1 pulls my backpack. I tell him to stop. He does it again. I tell again, angrily. He starts to move his feet, as if he's pretending to fall on the floor.

He tells me he needs a wee and he can't wait. I tell him I'll buy 2 more things and pay. When we're at the till, he starts to move around, throwing himself on the floor (not crying, just as if he was playing - which would be ok at home). I shout at him. He starts pulling my dress, and trying to get under it (as if hiding). By then I grab his arm and tell him to stop. He continues. He bumps on a man, feels a bit ashamed, but continues.

I finish paying and drag him away, shouting at him and feeling really irritated. I take him to the toilet and he keeps asking if I am still mad at him. And says that now he is behaving well, isn't him? I ask him why he behaves like that (it's not unusual) and he, obviously can't tell (he's only 4, I know he doesn't know).

Back home, he alternates between being over the top well behaved, and doing things like throwing juice on the dinner table so he can make an "experience" wetting the napkin and making a sculpture.

I don't know what to do. What could I have done at the supermarket? He needed a wee, so I couldn't stop everything and sit him on a corner as "time out" (I do it sometimes). I have another child, so it's not like I can stop everything/ cancel plans and go back home - neither I can sit with him to talk and try to figure out what he is feeling (I do that at home, when there's time for that). Threatening sanctions "when we get home" doesn't work (DH tries to say things like "if you do that, we are not going to the park" and DS1 just ignores it. I think it's too far away to have any effect in a child that age)

So, what would a better mother have done?????

A better mother would have a glass of wine and a bath once they're in bed and chalk it up to a bad day.

Don't worry yourself. It was a bad day. They happen :) often.

I am NOT a better mother.
I have twin 4 yo DS's

On a good dayI would have left the basket, dashed him to the loo, lots of praise for letting me know he needed a wee, put a snack for him through the till first and get him to go sit on the chairs / floor at the end of the checkout to eat it while I finished off paying and packing.

My 2 can get like this with low blood sugar so I would assume that was what it was.

I have learnt my lesson the hard way, I don't take them anywhere when tired and hungry.

Alternatively carry a snack in your bag, box of raisins, rice krispie square, apple etc... and give it to them before they reach that point.

I'd have taken DS1 to the bathroom as perhaps he really couldn't wait and that was making him more upset. It's okay to put your basket/trolley down and go to WC and return. Give your DS1 the shopping list and get him to cross off items as a distraction or help find things you need.
Take a deep breath and smile, relax your shoulders, think calming thoughts. All things I try to do, but am not very successful at yet! (but getting better)

There's no such thing as a 'good/better mother', mums just do their best. If something doesn't work, try something else. Most of being a parent is trial and error. for you.

I would have left the trolley (customer services don't mind as long as you tell them why you're leaving it and that you'll return) and took ds1 to the loo. I'd have also have given him a list of things to find, can be pictures of a carrot or a picture of a can of beans. IME, boys like to help and it keeps them out of mischief. I'd have put ds2 in the trolley and got him to help with the list. Supermarkets are really, really boring, even worse when you're hungry/tired/need a wee. Ds used to walk around with a joke book or a shopping list, or we'd play spot the apple, anything to make it less dull.

It can help to get down to a child's level to tell them off. Be firm and explain why they are being a pain or they won't get it. I know it's hard, but try not to lose your temper. No matter how you're feeling, be firm but don't yell (been here, done it). They see it as you losing control and they think you don't love them any more. Little kids can't tell the difference between you not liking their behaviour and you not liking them (this is why you tell them 'I don't like it when you do... Stop doing that!' (don't say please, it's not a request).

This is what worked for me. I'm not a good mother, I make mistakes. Give it a try and if it doesn't work, try something else. There's always internet shopping

Thanks a lot!

(after I read the first comments, DS1 had one more episode of night terror, screaming for hours and waking up DS2. So frustrating. Wish I could help him)

You are all right. Today was the first time in years we left the house at 3pm. Usually, if we are not out after lunch, we don't go out anymore (it's always so stressful). I thought today I could get away with it but it seems that we'd better stick to mornings for a few more years...

Thanks for the tips, I will try to remember to keep sweet snacks, get down at their level, etc. I couldn't leave the basket because it was a tiny market with no toilet (I was really shopping for about 5 things). After paying we went to a public toilet outside. After we left the DC found I had carrots in my backpack and they ate them. I should have offered the f... carrots!

Next time

Wee and snack first and give them something to look out for. Or, play 'ispy'. 'I spy with my beady eye, something beginning with w' (wine) Keep at it, Rome wasn't built in a day, dogs and children are not trained in a day either.

Hope you're OK.

Relax shoulders, calming thoughts are going to the list as well! (what exactly are calming thoughts? :)

I think of the 10 minutes after bedtime, that's calming. The time when ds is asleep and the house is still (and quiet) Best part of the day.

LadySybill I'll keep that in mind :)

I have learned that tired child = NIGHTMARE shopping trip

I try to keep it to essentials - piggyback him if necessary or pop him in a trolley (he still fits so why not!)

I try to keep calm, and sometimes tell him "we need x, y and z lets find them and then lets go!" I also explain that I know he doesn't want to be there but I need him to behave so we can get it over and done with as quickly as possible, then we can get home and have a snuggle/watch telly.

I also find that 9/10 when we get home and he has time out, I find him fast asleep - the main cause is just being tired (and that goes for me too)!!

Agree with PPs about

I'm an extremely Good Mother. One of the best I expect.

I would have ordered a supermarket delivery with a 4yr old and 18monther. With a bottle of gin in it, an' all.

I think you need to congratulate yourself and your DS.

Your DS did not wet himself and was making efforts to be well behaved, after he actually realized he did not behave that well previously. He is still learning, hence the more challenging behaviour, but he shows he has a perception of what is more acceptable and makes an effort to behave this way, although he does not manage it consistently yet. I think this is good for 4.

this is why it's great when they start school.

Why do you think there's something you could have done? Your trip to the supermarket sounds like a walk in the park towards some I've endured with ds1.

He's 4. He sounds fine

Internet shopping!!
ASDA online!!

I don't think your DS's behaviour sounds that bad!! Personally I would never ever go near any kind of supermarket at 5pm and my children are older! I don't think you are necessarily limited to morning outings but IME if anyone is still having an afternoon nap or you are doing a school run there is a short window of opportunity between 3 and 4 to get out and back (by 4.30pm latest!) unless it is somewhere fun for the DC.

I also think having an 18 month old in a sling sounds heavy and probably puts you more on edge.

Yes it sounds like you lost your cool but given the circumstances I don't think it would have been easily avoided!!