Newborn baby has made my family so unsettled

[Allinson2014]

I have a 3 DC, they youngest of which DD was born a week ago, the other two DS are 6 & 4. We had a really strong family unit (although my DS are from a previous relationship) and we were really looking forward to DD arriving. She was due on the 16 June but I developed preeclampsia so was in hospital unexpectedly for five days and her delivery was brought forward.

My parents, DH and DB organised looking after the children between them and all seemed to be working well. I came home from hospital last Wednesday and since then everyone seems so unsettled. I must have been naive to not see this was going to happen but it's really upset me. The two DS are very clingy to me now and this has upset DH as he feels that they don't need/want him anymore. I've tried explaining that it's just that I've been away but I can tell it really has affected him.

DH has spent a lot of time either taking on extra work or doing stuff in the garden/to the car/ shopping. Basically anything to get him out the house. I know he's stressed because he suffers with night terrors and these have increased too. I've tried talking to him but he's naturally very quiet and just reassures me that all is ok.

I'm feeling sad. I'm not too worried about my DS, I think it's naturally for them to be unsettled by change and they are excellent with their new DS, singing and talking to her etc. I am a bit worried about my relationship with my DH though. I love him so much and I hate to see him upset. I was hoping to talk to him this afternoon but as usual he's gone out somewhere to get parts for his van.

I'm really hoping someone can tell me they went through this and all was fine after a while?

Thanks for reading.

I don't have much advice to offer, but just one week in everything is bound to still be up in the air. Your hormones, your dh role in his mind, and for your ds questions about the place in your heart they occupy.

It's lovely that you're thinking of the family, but really I would say this time is yours... You and the baby are central. Beyond taking the time to reassure everyone of your love and their importance, I don't think you need do more right now. I'm sure your dh will come round.

My dc3 is now 7 weeks. I've been up and down with hormones and worrying about the impact on the family, particularly my middle dc.

It's settling down now. A lot of it is hormones but this time is about you and baby resting and bonding. Your kids will be fine.

I can relate to this as I was in hospital for 2 months prior to the delivery of ds who is dc3. It is nearly 6 months since I came home and it has taken time for my older girls (4 and 2) to adjust. When I first came home they were very clingy, it has gradually got better as time has gone on, but we still have problems with night waking and them wanting to get into bed to cuddle me. My DH also struggled at first because I nearly died, everyone asks how the mother is, not many think about how worry for your wife and baby affects the father. If you had pre-eclampsia, you may need to factor that in along with his feelings of being rejected by your sons.

Do talk to him though, the more he pulls away the worse it will be, it will reinforce his feelings of separation. You have been through a lot and when the going gets tough if you all stick together and are there for each other you will come out of it stronger. Maybe when you feel more able in a week or so try to have some lovely family days and also each of you have one to one times with the boys too. I found my eldest girl particularly benefitted from 121 time with me and DH.