Guilt over only child decision - Feel terrible

[Tillyboo]

I know there have been similar threads but felt the need to post my situation in hope I'd feel better.
I will be 43 this month and have a dd who is almost 2.5 yrs. She is an angel and brings me and my dh so much joy and happiness. She's happy, well balanced, secure and bright. I make sure she has lots of playmates, she attends nursery for a couple os sessions a week so she is quite happy socialising. However for the past year I've been in turmoil over whether to have another child. I sway from 'Yes' to 'No' on a daily basis but today I have almost certainly decided not to have any more children.
My husband is nearly 7yrs younger than me and would love another child but he say's it's completely up to me as I'm the one who would have to go through pregnancy, birth and most of daily childcare. He's never pressurised me and is totally supportive of whatever we decide, although I'm sure he'd be disappointed.
Problem? I'm consumed by guilt about not giving my dd a sibling, playmate and best friend as she grows up. I know there is no guarantee siblings will get on or stay close (my husbands brother is proof of that!) But I still feel she'd miss out. I worry that she wouldn't have emotional/ practical support over emotional problems i.e. as her parents grow old. My sister has two dd's who are 13 and 11 and whom love my dd to bits, so that gives me some comfort knowing that dd will probably have close female support but it's not the same is it ?
There is also the worry of being an older mother

• Risks assoc. / decisions on what tests etc.
• I had a hideous pregnancy with dd with non-stop feeling sick for 8.5 months. Prob likely to happen again
• lots of joint and ligament problems since having dd
• Have a bad back, had facet joint injections but still in great deal of pain and find walking any distance very painful and depressing
• Constantly feel tired now so worry how I'd cope with another child I'd love to see what our next child would look like and how he/ she would develop but I really don't think I'd cope and feel I wouldn't be able to enjoy my children in a way I'd want to. Some of my friends are on No.2 but they are quite a bit younger than me - this adds to my guilt too. I dread being asked when am I going to have another baby. Is anyone else in the same dilemma and how have you coped with your decision ? My worst fear is that my dd will resent me for not giving her a sibling to grow up and share lifes experiences with Am I worrying unecessarily? I feel selfish and cruel and on the verge of tears

I'm an only child and I loved it. I think it is a myth that siblings support each other, I know very few families where siblings are close. I have three children, with 2 yrs between each, but it was my choice because I wanted more.

The only thing I would suggest is that you make sure your dd has friends over a lot so she learns to share on her own turf, how to take turns, do what others suggest etc. I notice with dd1's friends that some only children have been taught this and are great, whereas others haven't and are hard work. I suspect that I found it difficult to mix sometimes as a child because my family tended to mix with other adults/older children rather than having children over to play who were my own age.

As for your friends, if asked when you are having no2, just say that you've decided that dd will be an only child. You don't have to justify yourself.

It is not selfish and cruel to have an only child.

There are pros to being an only child. For your dd she will have both parents full attention.

As you say not all siblings get on and she does have 2 cousins who she sounds close to.

Loving your child and doing the best by them is what is important (and from your post that sounds like what you are doing) not whether they have siblings or not.

Hi there, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I'm not in a similar situation to you but didn't want to ignore your post.

You sound more like you're trying to persuade yourself not to have any more rather than actually having made your decision.

I appreciate your concerns about your age and pregnancy probs etc. But these can't be factors that make a decision for you. Sickness is horrible, but only lasts the 9mths and not a lifetime. Ask yourself if you're last pg hadn't been so bad would you be so against having another? Many people have very different symptoms in each pregnancy so its not certain you would suffer so bad again.

The only useful thing i can say to you is that i am expecting no.2 soon and dd will be nearly four. I now feel very relaxed about coping with two children as four yr old dd is far more mature - easier to manage behaviour etc than she was at 2.5. I think when dd was that age the thought of coping with two was very frightening to me as dd was in the midst of tantrums, and wanting that independence that she wasn't quite ready to have. Little things like wanting to walk but not quite old enough to cope without a buggy for when she got tired etc.
Once both siblings are out of those young 'needy' years, i imagine (wishful thinking ) that things are easier with two than they would be with one as they have each other - including all the reasons you listed in your post.

So i guess i'm responding to your comment "constantly feel tired now so worry how i'd cope with another child" and trying to help you discount that if you look further into the future.

I wish you luck in your decision making, or in your decision not to make a decision and see what nature does .

Hattie05
I think there is probably some truth in you suggesting I'm trying to persuade myself into not having any more children. I'm trying to weigh up everything in my mind and it's all got a bit much so I'm going to try and not think about it for a while - step back, it's all got too intense in my head.
i'm not being helped by a good friend having her second baby nxt week, another nxt month and another due just after Xmas. Plus two of my closest friends, same age as me and contemplating No. 3 kids.
I sometimes think 'If they are doing it and can cope, why don't I feel the same ?'

Tillyboo, its an awful dilema - I have 1 ds who is 3.3 and is great. I hated being pregnant, had bad morning sickness and really did not like the first 18 months of being a mother. I now love "parenting" DS.

My DH and I always said we will would wiat until DS was 3 before we had another child so I came off the pill last sept. We've had a fairly manic year and have moved to another country however a couple of months ago I feel pg. The ms came back with avengance and I felt awful again. My mum was staying with me at the time and I felt so depressed about ebing pg again and how I would cope and it really put big question marks in my head. I wouldhave wholly and totally gone ahead with the PG ,however, mother nature interferred and I had a m/c at 9.5 weeks which was pretty gruesome and awful emotionally particularly as I had had such major doubts...but it did make us really question WHy we were having another child. It was soley for DS and given that now at best there would be a 4 yr age gap between ds and a.another - we just decided that neither of us really was that bothered. So we have pretty much decided ( as much as you can) to stick with one.

I may in the dim and distant future decide that I wasnt another one for ME( iyswim) not for any other reason.

I love ds som much and love being able to devote time an energy to him - so feel that I can give him a great childhood without a sibling.

I was so pleased when we both came to the decision and felt like a huge weight had$ lifted from me as i had felt tortured by indecision.

So don't feel bad.

I am avoiding telling anyone specifically that we are not planning any more as I don't feel it is anyones business and I also don't want to have to justify myself.

Sorry this is long and rambling but hth

Tillyboo, I understand your dilemma completely. I am in a similar situation. DD is now 3, and dh and I both love her to bits. Dh is 6 yrs younger than me (I'm 38) and would like another child, but ultimately leaves the decision to me. I didn't have a bad pregnancy and don't have any health problems, but until now we couldn't afford to have another child and now we just about can, I don't know that I want to go through the pregnancy and baby stage again. I'm just about to change my job so now isn't the right time for us, and when it is I might be too old! I haven't finally made my mind up yet though, so never say never, but I think I'd be doing it for DD's sake rather than mine.

I'm an only child btw and haven't had any problems. My mum was one of 4 but was only really close to one sister, who lived in Australia!

It doesn't sound like you've finally made your mind up yet, but if you do decide to stick at one, please don't feel bad. Your dd won't resent you, I'm sure. My dd has a best pal already and they are almost like sisters!

Tillyboo - there are lots of people out there who have been only children and have had perfectly happy, lovely childhoods and are normal well adjusted people, people without siblings dont feel hard done to in anyway i cant imagine just because they dont have a brother or sister, its a decision entirely based on your feelings hun and of course your dh, however, i am one of four children, and my brother and two older sisters mean the world to me, there are ALOT of lessons that siblings can teach you that you wouldnt learn from anyone else. me and my middle sister used to sleep in the same room every xmas eve and wait for santa's sleigh bells, we would do each others hair in the mornings before school, its lovely to have a sibling to share 'growing up' with, but if i had never had it and i didnt know any different, would i be any less a person for it? - i cant see why i would be? If you want another baby hun, dont deny yourselves one just because your scared you may not cope, you may really surprise yourself and be glad you did it, better you give it all youve got than wish you had in a few years

I had a sibbling who was 11 months younger, we were in same school year. As a child I longed to be an only child. I feel that the best I can do for my DD is not to have a second child, so that she gets all my attention at weekends and before/after nursery. I am 37 and exhausted most of the time no way could I go through another pregnancy and maintain the same quality of parenting to DD as she gets now. I resent my parents for giving me a sib, IMHO parents can never totally meet the wants of their kids.

When people ask me if we are having another I explain that DH has had the snip. You think that would be the end of that conversation but so many people go on to say but he could have it reversed!

Hi tillyboo. I too go through this dilemma nearly every day. I have a 4 year old ds whom I adore and I am always flitting between having another and not iYKWIM! I am just 30, so I do have time but then I worry about a big age gap! I never worry about depriving ds, my worry is regretting having only 1 when it's too late.

I am an only child and it never bothered me at all. I never resented my parents for not giving me a sibling, never occurred to me to do so. The only negative as an only I will be aware of with ds is that I was constantly in the spotlight, the whole focus of my parents attention which at times was over bearing.

Worrying about the kids we do have is bad enough without worrying about ones we don't have!!

Lord, this is a topic that has been flitting round my mind daily for the last 3 years!! I have one beautiful DD who is 4.4yo and off to school next week! I have made the decision that she will be an only, but I question that decision daily. My DH is 11 years older (I am 38)and he has been dead set against it, but has started to soften recently and we have had spates of throwing caution to the wind to see what happens! However, neither of us is absolute certain that we do want another and for us, we both have to be 100% sure and behind it for it to be a GOOD thing. I worry about her growing up an only and being the centre of attention, but being aware of it means that we can address it in the way we parent. I don't think having another child purely to give her a sibling is a good enough reason, for us.

Like Northerner I worry about regretting it later on and echo the sentiment about worrying about the child we have and not the ones we don't! I also do not think I have the energy, patience or reserves to go back to the baby stage again, which I detested! (Loved being pregnant though!) Like you, I would love to see what the mix throws up this time, but I also worry about risks involved doing it again 5 years oder - especially with the current research regarding the dads ages too.

Basically, I don't think I will ever resolve it. I would love to make the final decision and draw a big line under it, but there will always be the 'what ifs'. When people ask me if we are having another, I have started to tell them I can't as I have gone through early menopause. There is no come back to that really and half the time it is none of their business anyway and they don't realise quite how invasive the question is. It is usually just a glib throw away question to them, but always leaves me feeling upset, defensive, angry, etc.!

Bit of a long ramble - sorry, but I think most women have gone through this to some extent, whether it be moving from one to two, or four to five. I look at other women and see how effortless they make it all look and feel a fraud and a failure that I find it so hard with just one healthy and happy child. Much as I may love another, I can't see it being a good idea for us as a family!!

Tillyboo, I too have been in a similar situation. With ds I had major swelling, joint problems, Bell's Palsy, carpal tunnel and a hideous birth experience that left me traumatized for almost 2 years. After all of that I persisted in telling everyone else (and hence trying to convince myself) that I could never go through another pregnancy. Add to that the fact that I was 38 and dh was 55 when ds was born! But, I knew in my heart that I did really want another. So, I found a great therapist - was already on AD's - and did lots and lots of research on the medical issues. I found a new fab OB who is doing an elective c-section, did a lot of talking with dh and...I'm now 26 weeks pg with baby #2. So far it had gone much better than the first time and I am now 41 so am pleasantly surprised. Of course, I do have the 3rd trimester to conquer.

Anyway, it sounds like you just have to sit down and do a lot of soul searching and really decide what is in your heart.

Good luck and HTH,
jabber

PS This is a lovely thread about only children.

Havent got much to say except I know what you are going through.

I too think about DS being an only child most days... he is 4 next month. Sometimes I'm ok about it, sometimes not. I know no one in RL who also has an only, so that doesnt help much either. DS seems totally happy though, has never asked about a sibling, so that is OK.

Being pregnant affected my immune system so thats probably why it's not happened for us again. DH isnt atall bothered by it either, he is more than happy with DS, and gets fed up of me going on about it...

Having an only means as a family you're more likely to be more outward looking out of the family and make more contacts outside the family which can't be a bad thing.

Our society just expects more than one child and so we have these society expectations. Would be different in another society where being an only is perceived in a different way - ie I tihnk in Germany there isnt such a 'view' on it.

In the end you must do what is right for you, and like in so many otehr ways there just is no right or wrong...having 1 child has it advantages and disadvantages but so is having 2, 3 or more....!In no way would I think you are selfish, not that it amtters what I or anyone thinks anyway, iykwim.
You obviously got a wonderful lil girl there and make sure she isn't getting spoiled and has lots of interaction, so you are doing the right thing for you, what have you got to feel guilty about!
Like you said, there are no garantees siblings get on anyway!
The only thing I, personally, would consider is, if your hcild will have any other family once you are gone....but you mentioen a a brother to your dh, so, that probably would not be an issue...the only reason I am mentioning this is, that I have a friend who was a only child, so were her parents and grandparents...so, when her parents died, when she was only a very young woman she had no family left...she however now has plenty of that, as she made up for it by having so far 7 children with her dh, lol!

I have 3 and I often feel guilty about that, because I can't give any of them as much attention and patience as they deserve. I'm always juggling their desires and needs. It's easy to resent them for impinging on my freedom/time/energy, making it so difficult to get anything done.

So I often envy the moms of one, who can really devote themselves and find it easier to do anything.

Thanks so much for everyones advice and comments. I have made a final decision today after talking things over with dh. We were shopping in a cash & carry and I just blurted it out while we were having pizza. I have come to the decision to have only one child.
My dh is fab and totally understood & even admitted he'd been thinking about whether to have another child or not. He too was swaying backwards and forwards with a decision but ultimately would have left the decision to me as he knows I've struggled a bit with health since birth of dd.
Anyway, a great weight has been lifted and I feel very relieved we agreed on the final decision. Now we can concentrate on making sure our dd's life is full, happy and secure. She is loved so much but we are mindful not to spoil her or expect her to grow up too quickly.
I want her to remember her childhood as full of love and magic and I seriously think that would have been jeopardised should we have had another child.
I feel very sad that we won't know what another child would have looked like, aspired to be and been like as a child or adult etc. but we are thankful we have a beautiful little girl already and so must now focus on what we have.
Receiving such positive, honest, helpful and kindly replies helped me make up my mind and also the links that you kindly gave me helped me enormously too. So thank-you, thank-you !
I think Mumsnet is a real gem and I'm so glad it's here for us all.

Tillyboo

So glad you have made a decision you are happy with. My dd is now 11 and I had PND and a very bad back (couldn't walk at the end of my pregnancy because of too relaxed ligaments). I felt I couldn't risk those problems again - I found it really tough when she was small. Also my husband's sister is LDD and very difficult so I have seen the problems a sibling can have at first hand. I couldn't bear to risk my dd having brother or sister with Downs or anything else - high risk because I was 41 when I had her.

I have never regretted my decision. I have always encouraged her to invite friends home and tried to help her make friends. Also, she is very close to her cousins - we have made every effort to foster that relationship. If I had been younger and fitter I would have had another child. Sometimes it can be hard - when she is old enough I will tell her the whole truth - for now she knows that Mummy had a very bad back.

If they have upsets in friendships it can be hard and she will probably ask you why she hasn't got a brother or sister. You just have to be honest. If you are always there for her and talk to her about things you will end up very close as we are. I tell her she has all of my time and attention and point out the advantages of that. However, I also try to acknowledge it can be difficult being an only. I also tried never to spoil her and to react as another child would when playing games so she would learn to take turns and see other's point of view.

I too have worried about what might happen when we grow old. Think we'll have to make full arrangements and be honest with her about them. Even if I had more children I wouldn't want to be a burden on any of them. Think it's more important with an only.

You just have to tell yourself that no situation is perfect, you've got to do what's right for you and stick to your guns. I tell people that illness prevented me when I'm asked. My dd is bright and independent - just started secondary school and I love her to bits !!

Hope this helps.

Tillyboo, glad you and you dh came to an agreement!

Hello Tillyboo! I started a thread like this recently. I'm 32 and have totaly decided after all the responses I got that one is enough. I couldn't cope with two or more at all under any circumstances.
I see my friends with 2 having a hard time with jealousy issues etc and I really co8ldn't deal with it.
I have a sister who I love but when we were children I hated her!! My dp's brother never spoke to him when they were small and hardly speaks to him now!
Your daughter will make very close female friends who will be closer than a sister. I have friends who are like family to me and have been for 20 years. I am much more 'me' with my friends than my sister.
Anyway the world is overcrowded enough so don't feel too guilty, get her a pony and a dog!!xx

A pony & a dog is on the agenda when she is older. My pony was a garden gate, a bit of old carpet for a sadle and string for stirrips and reins .....

Seriously tho, thanks for the posts, I'm feeling happier by the hour about our decision.
My dd has 2 girl cousins (my sisters girls) who are 11 and 13 and they all love each other to bits. They are very local so we see them lots and they stay in the hols etc as my sis works and is separated from her hubby so childcare is an issue.
I will nurture their relationship and hopefully they will all grow up as close as sisters. My brother has 2 boys aged 2 and 7 and they too are close even tho they live in the West Country.
Thankyou once again to everyone who has given me words of wisdom

That sounds like my pony when I was little!! hilarious!
Its good she has close cousins. my sister lives in america and dp brother in Hong Kong so no relatives for dd but my very close friend has 2 girls and one is same age as mine so we see a lot of them.
What they've never had they wont miss and so long as she knows she's loved thats all that matters.
I'm off to get sterilised ASAP!!!!

sounds all perfect!
I mean it!
Have just been watching then world cup horse trials...and whiattakers are brilliant...always thoughtn this, even when I was a comlete german supporter, lol.....always supported who is best...psssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttt!¬

sounds all perfect!
I mean it!
Have just been watching then world cup horse trials...and whiattakers are brilliant...always thoughtn this, even when I was a comlete german supporter, lol.....always supported who is best...psssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttt!¬