Decision on baby no. 3 for a newbie

[Aleksandra034]

Hi everyone

I'm quite new to MSN posting-wise and would really appreciate some input. Apologies, this is long (I'm an analyser, unfortunately). I have DD (3.5) and DS (20 mts) and badly, badly want another baby. But I'm desperately scared to make that decision in case we can't actually cope with 3. I'm 39 so not too much time left. I realise that we'd always find a way to cope somehow but as my husband says, it's not just about getting by, it's about whether you can enjoy it or are just surviving.

I know there have been a number of threads about this and I've read them all. Sometimes they're overwhelmingly positive, other times very negative.

We don't have any family nearby to help, but my husband is a great dad and we are a happy family. Finances are also ok. We enjoy parenthood, we are close with our children and spend a lot of time talking and cuddling. But, even though I'm crazy about them, I wouldn't say that I necessarily find it easy, or that I never feel the strain. There are amazing days and crap days. Sometimes I feel I've done great as a mummy and other times I go to bed full of regrets. Is that a bad sign, an automatic NO vote regarding no. 3? I guess I somehow (deep down) believe that only amazing mothers should be allowed to go for such a big family, because only they have a reason to believe they would still be able to cope...What do you do if you're just average (but trying your best)?

I'm a SAHM and get very little child-free time, maybe 2-3 hours per week (excluding evenings when they're in bed) although some of the time is just with DS, as DD goes to preschool 2 x 3 hours pw. The children are bright, funny, loving, although DD is a terrible eater and DS a terrible sleeper. We love them like crazy and at times they drive us crazy too. I'd like to think we're a normal family, not saints, but trying really hard and on the whole having a good journey so far.

I know no one can make a decision instead of us (unfortunately) but what does the world think - is it crazy to take such big risks with one's existing family life? But what if this painful longing never goes away?
Thank you!

We have 3, I do not think of myself as an amazing mother by any stretch! I love them all very much and the vast majority of the time I don't regret having had a third at all. I thought I wanted 2 but after number 2 I just couldn't shake the broodiness. Weirdly literally as soon as ds3 was here I felt like we were done and our family was complete.
BUT!! There is no denying that there are downsides. I had a lovely image in my head of being more experienced and laid back and ds3 fitting in. Unfortunately it hasn't always worked out like that. He has a few health issues and is just generally a bit of a fussy/sensitive little person.
Dss1&2 were close in age so no school runs or firm commitments when they were babies whereas now ds1 has to be at school and even if I have been up all night and if the baby wants feeding/ne Ed ds a nappy change etc tough! We have to go.
The other thing nobody really told me is it can actually be a bit isolating. All my 'baby friends' from my first 2 stopped at two and are moving on to the next stage of parenthood. so nights out I can't attend due to bf cosleeping bottle refusing ds3 (no problems with first 2) or taking all kids camping for a weekend (too cold for baby at the time they planned it but why would they consider a baby when they don't have one??).
nNew friends at groups are on baby 1 - some seem a bit intimidated by my having children already and keep their distance, some are just a bit pfb about everything and as much as i try to join in I have no chat about nappies/how many minutes per feed little johnny feeds for left in me! Maybe thats just me being antisocial....
And the obvious extra expense - babies are cheap but I have a feeling feeding 3 teenage boys may be a challenge!
Having said all that he is a part of my heart now just like ds1&2. My boys adore him and he them. I swear his first babble was attempting to say brother!!

Oops sorry for essay!

Please don't say sorry, that's a really helpful and insightful reply. You do address some of my concerns regarding being 'the odd one out'. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! I'm sure your boys are beautiful :-)

It sounds like you are a very happy family unit with lots of love and two positive parents. Why do you think that having a third child will suddenly make this significantly more of a stressful, risky experience? Do you not think that there is enough love in your family to embrace and "cope" with a third child?

Everyone has regrets now and again at the end of the day about all kinds of things, wishing that they had handled a situation differently or better than they think they did. But this is what lessons in life are all about, they help you to cope better the next day. And the next day. And do you think the feeling of isolation will be significant provided that the age gap between DS and a third baby is not too great?

At the end of the day I suppose you have to weigh up the best option for your family as a whole. You are already very lucky to have two DCs. Perhaps it is a choice between whether you will have more regrets by having a third child... or regret never having that third child.

Definitely enough love, andream 34, so that's a good thing (without that we wouldn't consider it). My worry is that most people seem to say that 3 children is somehow a lot more than simply 2+1, in terms of work involved and all those moments when things go wrong (when everyone is ill at the same time, or everyone runs in a different direction, or everyone wants/needs something right now, etc). I often look at my two and think 'can another one really be such a big deal?' but when I look on the net or to the very few people I know who have 3, the overall answer seems to be that 3 is a very tough number, in terms of logistics (school runs etc), giving everyone enough attention, etc. Do you mind if I ask, do you have three, what has your experience been like?

Looking at my current circle of friends (which is very small, I have to admit, as we live in a place where we moved for work and haven't quite established a normal social circle yet despite being here for 3 years now), it's very likely that I'd be the only one going for #3. I do know one woman with 3 and one with 4 but their youngest children are moving into toddlerhood now and they're not planning on adding more.

But the broodiness is so strong, at times overwhelming, and like you say, there's a lot to be considered in terms of regret of NOT having another child....
Thank you for your thoughts x

Hi Alex,

I feel the same as you. I have a 2.8 year old and a 9 month old. I would love another one so badly. I am also 39 so need to get on with it. I've found myself just desperate for another baby and feel like I could cope with all the stress that's involved. DH totally against it and I'm gutted.
Don't think there any hope I can have another one.

I'm so sorry to hear that your DH is completely against it :-( I really hope you manage to resolve that somehow. Good luck x

I have a 4.8yro and 25mtho. I was seriously broody earlier this year and thought about it a lot. Tbh, I still do but am now more settled with the idea that our family is complete. What has helped me is:

• whilst I am not at the end of my tether, I do sometimes feel as though I my brain is at maximum capacity as I think about the various things I, DC1, DC2, the house and, to a limited extent, DP need. A third might tip me over the edge which would upset the family dynamic
• I can cope with the two DC well by myself as can DP so it isn't an issue if one of us is off on a hen do/stag do or similar. I'm not sure this would be the case if there was another child.
• for various reasons, I have had a bit more time 1:1 with both DC recently and I have relished it. I feel as though I am finally getting to know DC2 and enjoying some fantastic conversations with my quirky DD. The chances to do this would be reduced.
• logistics. DS gets dragged to whatever DD is doing but we are beginning to think about what activities he will do in future years and there is unlikely to be much overlap. With two, DP and I can each take them to an activity. With a third, one would always be left out or watching. If DC3 were to be a girl, then, even if she was a really girly girl like my eldest is, there would be over 5yrs between them, so, whilst I could take them both to, say, ballet their classes are unlikely to be at similar times
• parental support. One set of GC is 3hrs away, the others are 5hrs away. They are as hands on as they can be given the distances and I find their help and support transforms my life. I'm not sure they could offer this with a third DC. Neither has the type of car you can get three car seats in and it would be a bit much to expect them to change their car to accommodate the DGC. Obviously we have to stay with them or they stay with us. My parents have a three bed house so have just got bunk beds now that Dc2 has grown out of the travel cot. Once DC3 grew out of a travel cot, I have no idea where he/she would sleep. More importantly, I don't know if the GP would be willing & able to look after 3 GC at once. I relish the couple of weekends I get a year when they have the GC and DP and I go away. Going away with DC3 would not be the same!
• age gap. Some of my friends have 3 DC but have all done the three under four approach. In hindsight, this is perhaps how I should have done it if I was going to have three. Now, I don't always have to have the changing bag or the pushchair with me. I had a lovely day at legoland with just DC1 the other day. I went back a few days later with both DC and the day was totally different in terms of the rides we could do, what DC2 found overwhelming etc. Adding a third DC to the mix would just exacerbate this.
• I have two delightful, healthy children. I have had two relatively easy pregnancies. Why risk what I have? For me, this is both a long and short term issue. Due to being in a bit of a black hole for maternity care, our nearest hospital is 40mins away. What happens if, for some reason, I need to be in hospital for part of my pregnancy? What happens if DC3 is in SCBU? What happens if, once my existing children - let along imaginary ones - start school and something is noticed that means they need extra support. Or one has an accident. I would kick myself if I felt I had stretched myself too thin by having a third.

Hi coveredinwheetabix you talk a lot of sense! Everything you say is spot on and rational. Some of it exists as an issue in our life too: I am from another country and have to fly regularly in order to see my family, and have mostly flown alone with 2 children, I'm sure with 3 would be quite a nightmare. Like you, I have no idea where the third child would sleep and how we would all ever fit into my mum's tiny flat. There are definite problems of childcare from pretty much every angle. There is so much potential for things going wrong, wrong, wrong.
But I just don't know if these decisions always get made with our heads or if sometimes the hearts take over? It's so great that you have arrived at a decision you feel at peace with. I so hope the same will eventually happen to me (whatever the decision ends up being). Thanks for sharing x