Question about grandparents

[Methenyouplus4]

Long complicated back story, but to cut it short, we have always had a trying relationship with my pil. About 3 months ago we tried to speak to them about an issue which resulted in an argument (mil and dh on the phone). During conversation dh repeated several times that they will always be allowed to see children.

We haven't heard from them for 3 months and have heard through the family grape vine that they are telling others that we have told them that they can't see their grandchildren, obviously we know this isn't the case and can only assume that it is because they don't want to tell others that they are allowed to see them. But pride is stopping them.

Anyway, I expected them to get in touch, if only to arrange to see their grandchildren but they haven't. It' s not the first time that this has happened and I wonder at what point (if they get in touch) you just tell them to take a hike after leaving it so long? Sorry if this is hard to judge without more information but feel like I could be on all night explaining the back story! My eldest is 9 so is old enough to be aware of not seeing them (he normally sees them weekly).

It is hard to judge. For me it would be so dependent on whether you think your dc are going to benefit from the relationship or could be harmed by it. My dc see 1 GP and not another for this reason.

If you want them in contact, I would write them a letter, reaffirming that they are welcome to see your DC despite your differences, but you are concerned they have either misunderstood this or they have chosen not to see their DGC. You would prefer to know which so you can explain it to your dc.

Perhaps even suggest skyping.

If you don't want them in your lives, leave it alone.

Thank you for replying. I just feel flabbergasted that they wouldn't get in touch, while my parents would walk over hot coals for their grandchildren. Part of me is angry with their behaviour (&all stress they have caused over the years) so wants to just leave it but part of me is really sad that it would get to that stage.

You are right though, the reason dh and mil were speaking on phone and ended up arguing was because their selfish behaviour and conviction that they are always right had affected our eldest. In the past, it's only ever impacted on us and we've taken it on the chin 'because it' s family' but they've upset our son (by bad mouthing dh to him quite strongly) & when asked not to involve a child in an adult argument have refused to do so and said they can do what they want. As I said (though it's only one side, I'm aware), they assume what they do/say is always correct but I won't tolerate it when it affects our children.

Ah well that's much easier. You, your DH AND your DC are much better off without them in your lives.

If someone upset my DS like that and refused to make a grovelling apology, they wouldn't be welcome. I would tell DS that you're not seeing them so much anymore because you don't get along very well and they have said some pretty hurtful things, which people who love and care about you wouldn't do.

It took me a long time to decide to not allow my mother into my DCs lives, I felt so guilty about depriving them of what I hold as an ideal relationship (as I had with my DGPs). But sadly she's not a nice person and has done plenty of things in the subsequent years to make me very very glad I made that decision.

Ignore the gossip, the family whispering, ignore any guilt for them. Base it purely on whether you think your dc would be happier with them in their lives or out of their lives.

It's so hard isn't it? I always said they would always be welcome to see them but when they interpret that to mean they can come and go from their lives as they please, you have to draw a line to protect your children.

I'm sorry that you had to go through a similar experience and make that choice too. I think it speaks votes that, after seeing them weekly for about a year, we haven't seen them for 3 months and our eldest hasn't even mentioned them! Our youngest is under 18 months and so oblivious but so sad they've missed such a huge chunk in his development. On the bright side, wider family on dh's side are very sympathetic as several of them don't see his dp's already due to their behaviour and even those who do are understanding as at various points have had their own issues with them where sometimes they've had no contact for extended periods. It's been like this for the 12 years I've known them and I can't see them changing now.

Sorry, should have said speaks volumes!

Someone will be along in a minute to ask what would you do if one of them gets ill or dies while you are not in contact. I am in that situation at the moment and I am so glad that my children were not in contact and are oblivious.

If this is the end of years of treading on eggshells around them, hearing their lies and putting up with their controlling behaviour, I bet you're feeling relieved as well as worried what will come next.

Do you ever want to see them again? What would you like to happen before you would resume contact? What would be your preferred type/method of interaction/contact?

To be honest, if they got ill or died I would feel sad that they had missed out on their grandchildren's lives but I wouldn't feel responsible for that.

I know they won't ever apologise (or certainly not sincerely) for anything so pointless expecting that. I guess I just want them to genuinely care about and want to see their grandchildren, I sometimes feel they like the idea of being a grandparent (e.g. They have photos of them all over and according to other family members they rave about them all the time) yet in reality show little interest and when they see them they aren't that bothered in spending time with them (e.g. If eldest stays at their house, which is very rare) they just put him in front of the TV and go about their normal day).

As for what I would want, they have been told that, sadly, they can only see dc when we're there as they have refused not to bad mouth dh to our eldest, this means we can't actually trust them to be alone with him. They have even shown our eldest texts from dh to fil asking him not to involve our son in the argument! Ds was really upset and confused. I would be happy to have them see dc when we're around but don't want them flitting in and out of their lives.

To be honest, if they got ill or died I would feel sad that they had missed out on their grandchildren's lives but I wouldn't feel responsible for that.

I know they won't ever apologise (or certainly not sincerely) for anything so pointless expecting that. I guess I just want them to genuinely care about and want to see their grandchildren, I sometimes feel they like the idea of being a grandparent (e.g. They have photos of them all over and according to other family members they rave about them all the time) yet in reality show little interest and when they see them they aren't that bothered in spending time with them (e.g. If eldest stays at their house, which is very rare) they just put him in front of the TV and go about their normal day).

As for what I would want, they have been told that, sadly, they can only see dc when we're there as they have refused not to bad mouth dh to our eldest, this means we can't actually trust them to be alone with him. They have even shown our eldest texts from dh to fil asking him not to involve our son in the argument! Ds was really upset and confused. I would be happy to have them see dc when we're around but don't want them flitting in and out of their lives.

Sorry, not sure why that posted twice!

We have stopped contact with FIL and his partner due to arguments they have with us effecting their relationship with DS and also giving 14 yr old BIL a nasty msg to pass to us. They have spend 4 months of 29mo seeing him regularly telling people that I put a wall between them and DS with my close relationship to MIL even though it's a load of crap I'm quite close to MIL now but when it kicked off when DS was born we were friendly and that's it we only ever spoke to do with DS or BIL it was just an excuse so they didn't look bad.

I don't feel guilty at all if they really cared for the children they would see them regardless I think like you for FIL it's more the idea it's not actually DS as a person they want to see they want their 'grandson'. When my neice was young my sister suffered depression and alcohol abuse resulting in crazy behaviour and often telling me i'd never see DN again if I didn't do things her way (aka give her booze money and babysit for a week) I never let it stop me getting back on the phone after she's calmed down to arrange to see DN so I KNOW that if you love a child nothing in this world will stop you from fighting to see them.

It's easier for us because DS is young but I would explain to your 9 year old what went on in an age appropriate way he will understand.