Is it normal to worry about not being here for your DC?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm not an anxious person, go with the flow and always try to be rational. But do find myself worrying a lot about not being here for my 3.5yo DS as he grows up. I suppose I've seen and heard a lot from friends and in the news recently about mums dying and leaving their young DC behind and it always reduces me to tears. I'm fit, healthy and don't smoke (any more) but had a chest infection a few months ago (when I did smoke) and convinced myself I had lung cancer. But it's the same when i drive long distances on my own, or stay away from home overnight, and i seem to be pushing some ugly thoughts away. I know I must sound neurotic. I just see the wonderful, interesting, humourous little person my DS is turning into and want to be around for him forever or for as long as he needs me. For all his bravado and independence he'd be so vulnerable without his mummy. Anyone else share this?

All the time. I can't bear the thought of my trusting tiny 9 month dd being without me. I suppose it's what being a parent is all about x

Yes. I am being treated for cancer and the thought that I might not be around to see my kids grow up reduces me to tears nearly every day.

Yep - I did nearly die last year (appendix & septicaemia) and the thought of not being here for my kids terrifies me.

Sounds daft but I have now been getting in a lot more photos - I am really fat so hate getting my picture taken. Realised my kids won't care - every photo will be precious to them.

So sorry to hear that becca. Sending you lots of strength and hope from one mum to another. x

Depends how much you worry and how much is impacting on you. from what you say it is troubling you quite a bit.

I do occasionally have a wobble that something will happen to me, and it is worse when I hear of someone my age who has died. You mention you have heard recently of this. I would hope it would settle down, and become an occasional background niggle.

beccajoh, this is a first for me on MN, and I've been here ages, but have a huge hug from me if you want one.

It's always been in the background, the same as I worry about something happening to my ds. But a woman at work died in a car crash earlier this week, another colleague's friend died a while back too. And my sister's best friend from school committed suicide recently leaving her little girl. They weren't much older than me and had young children around ds's age.

That's quite a lot to happen so no wonder it's on your mind. If it's invading your thoughts often it might be worth having a chat with someone.
I just tell myself that all I can do is to pour as much love into her now and have made provisions for people I really like to take care of her if something should happen to me and dh.

beccajoh I'm very sorry. It must be frightening. Wishing you all the best.

There's a degree of worry that is natural and rational if you are fit and well. I guess it's how our brains deal with the anxiety that matters.

If it builds up to the point that the negative thoughts become obtrusive, then it might be worth having a chat with someone, e.g. counsellor or GP.

However I also think that as we leave our 20s and work through our 30s into our 40s, we all go through a realisation of some harsh truths about life and mortality. It may be linked to having children for some people, life events or just age for others. I found that the panicky nature of the thoughts did ease up over time, though I still do get bouts from time to time.

I have another dimension in that my son will probably always need care for his whole life. I definitely won't be there to do it for as long as he needs. But I guess that's just the way things are and I have to do all I can to set him up for the future without obsessing and ruining today.

even if you are fit and well

I am terrified of dying. Every now and again I will have scary day dreams about what it's like to be dead and I can make myself quite upset about the thought of my sister or my DH dying.

I think it's quite normal, and we all have our versions, but it's not something we talk about much. I spoke to my DH about it. He is very into meditating and at a very high level of conscioussness, so in his words, he has accepted the impermanence of everything, and apparently it's very liberating. I work full time and we have 2 kids, so I don't have time for hours of meditation, DH started it as he had really bad stress symptoms, which he has conquered with meditation, and then he has all these extra benefits from this amazing "insight".

Perhaps you could think about a meditation practice? It really calms the mind, I do it myself every now and again, but always get caught uo with life's demands (well, my demands to my life!). Alternatively, I recommend watching some Byron Katie videos on YouTube, she is very "get a grip".

Yes I am certainly more neurotic about my own health and safety than I was pre-children. Before I had ds1 I'd done skydiving, skied black runs and got a few (not many!) speeding points. Now I crawl along in a car like an octogenarian, would NEVER consider a skydive again and next time I go ski-ing (not likely anytime soon) I might bubble-wrap myself. I have worried a lot more about minor physical symptoms too and thought about cancer and how awful it would be not to be around for my children growing up. I don't think these thoughts are unusual or abnormal, as it is natural when you feel such love for and the need to protect your children, but they can escalate and go too far. I have a friend who has found this 'health fear' really debilitating and has suffered anxiety as a result. She found CBT really helpful. I think if you can keep in control of these worries and not obsess about them then that's normal; if it is making you lose sleep and affecting your life then talk to your GP.

I've wondered this myself as it's something I worry about, My Dad died when I was 12 and things weren't great afterwards (not like they would be) and I don't want DD to go through any of that.

Yes I think it's normal. I certainly think about it and DH and I have a will stating who will raise DD if God forbid, something happened to both of us.

Yeah it's normal. Before having kids I had no fears and I lived that way, now the thought of not being there for them is my one true fear.

It seems I'm the weird one here but I really don't worry about this. My own parents died when I was in my early 20s and I think they had prepared me for life, without them. We all need to do this as parents because the day will come that our children need to cope without us.
While I hope at least one sod their parents make it to their adulthood we can really only do all we can.

Yes, the thought of dying and my girls not having a mummy (or remembering me) is terrifying. But these thoughts aren't consuming, just occasional flashes like when I fell down the stairs and DD was so upset.
What can we do but tell them we love them all the time and try not to do anything stupid...

I fear this too, lost my beloved adopted mother at 11 and the years afterwards were ... not good. Though in those days, there was nothing like Winston's Wish and no preparation or aftercare. She just died and that was that.

I have made very sure to make a will with my husband so that if something happens to us, we know exactly where the children will go (to his loving and familiar mother, my wonderful mother in law). It doesnt take away the fear but it helps because you know the practicalities are sorted out.

tunnock so sorry to hear that