Favouring One Child Over Another

[GeorginaA]

This may already have been posted, but thought this telegraph article about favouritism was quite a good read.

I do like Zoe Heller! (Didn't know she had one child, let alone 2.) Particularly like the last para about wising up - that's my kind of parenting style.

No child gets the same upbringing as any other child in the family - it becomes a different family anyway as soon as the next one comes along, and also circumstances change, parents get older and tireder, money and time get tighter or looser, the older ones don't get enough freedom and the younger ones get too much - they have to learn to adapt, accept what they're given and appreciate the differences.

Never apologise, never explain!

my brother the golden child - am still VERY bitter as is my youngest brother about the favouritism shown - got his fees paid at uni as he did "drama" like mum wanted - ha ha he ended up being a commercial lawyer.
She even said he was her favourite, he has robbed her and the family blind.
Bad topic in this house!
Good article though!

There was a good thread on this subject of favouritism about 8 or 9 months ago. Most mumsnetters said they loved their children equally but differently. Kiwisbird, I quite by accident found an email on my dad's computer, still on the screen, when I was pregnant with 2nd child and had just travelled 3,000 miles to see them. My dad had written to his friend that my brother is their "favorite" and has made/makes them proud in so many ways. I was quite distraught to read itbut also angry at myself for letting it get to me. He tried to squirm out if it with excuses & apologized profuselybut God, it stung.

Love the comments about b/feeding and the second one having to hold on for dear life whilst you're doing the hoovering, so true!

Thanks for posting this - it is an interesting thing. Just how far can the infinite love we feel for our children go? What about these people with a dozen or more children?
I have just finished reading Zoe Heller's novel, about a middle-aged teacher having an affair with a school-boy, and felt very cross at the end of it. There wasn't a single sympathetic character, it seemed to be full of people completely unafraid of expressing the seven deadly sentiments, and I ended up wondering why I had bothered reading it.
BUT, there was one bit, where the teacher is visiting her distant (in every way) mother, and remembers an occasion where the mother admitted that it was harder being with one's children when there wasn't another adult around. The idea that her mother might have only behaved decently to her as a child because she wanted to look good in front of her husband incensed her, not surprisingly, but it made me think about my handling of our children, and the scenes which are not witnessed by other people. Cringe..

That novel sounds interesting jmb, what's the title? The comment about being easier when other parents are around I can really relate to actually (bad mummy that I am) - not that I try to impress when I'm with others, but just that I'm more aware of how I'm behaving

I found the article very reassuring - especially the concept of loving as much but differently. Approximately 7-9 weeks until there'll be a new arrival in the household for us, and I do worry about whether preferential treatment will be an issue. I was an only child, so have no experience of sibling interaction with parents at all.

Thanks for posting that Georgina - interesting article.

Georgina - it's called notes on a scandal I think - I got it in a job lot of the Booker prize shortlist from the Book People. Now down to the ones I was less keen on reading, but still looking forward to Brick Lane. Astonishing splashes of Colour has been the best yet.

re Notes on a Scandal, I read it recently. I had a me day when I put ds in nursery and went and sat in my favourite bar and read read read. I read it in a day and was disappointed. It was easy reading, but a bit like a less intellectual Joanna Trollope (if that is possible), and as a teacher it grated sooooo much because it was so stereotyped and downright wrong (and this coming from someone who loved Teachers). I wouldn't spend money on it!

Thanks for that article Georgina ...
She has put into words exactly what I have felt recently ...
In fact the age gap of just 4 and a bit years is the same and we also had the "Why does the baby get to sleep near you?" Question ..
I do feel reassured now ... and yes I will admit that I love them differently - but the same amount ...
I said to my DH the other day, "Whose idea was it to have 2?" And I then jokingly added, "Can we send one back?"
He said, "Sure, but which one?"
I couldn't answer that ... couldn't possibly choose ... couldn't imagine life without them now ...