I struggle to say No ...

[Imliketotallyummm]

Please don't be too judgemental. I'm not asking for opinions. I've been reflecting on my life, relationships, work ... and discovered I really struggle to say No to my children and in fact anyone, at home or at work.

I'm aware this is a personality issue and I need to sort myself out. I'm not sure why I can't say No, why I want to please everyone ...

However, my first priority is to learn how to say No to my children when necessary. My youngest child is becoming quite spoilt and yet I struggle to say No when she asks for more time on the computer, money for sweets, a sleepover ...

Obviously I sound pathetic I've suffered with depression in recent years and am seeing my gp for this. Previously I think I shouted more at my older children, now I try to keep the peace in the house, keep everyone happy - obviously not possible.

So, be gentle with me ... If anyone feels the same, struggles the same way, how do you say no?

At the moment I make excuses - like (to middle child), "No, I can't give you a lift, I have no petrol", instead of "I don't want to give you a lift, I think you should make your own way to work, you can afford bus fare, I am struggling to put petrol in my car" for example.

I should add that my two eldest went through a messy divorce and I feel guilty for the way I handled things and things that happened during that time. Maybe I am trying to make up for all that .

I appreciate any tips.

Maybe I should post this somewhere else ... Not sure where though.

I struggle to say no. I had a lot of cbt for anxiety depression and realised I thought if I said 'no' then the recipient would stop loving me. jsut like that.

I talked to my husband a lot about it. and close friends. I also realised it was a bit silly.

I'm still not the greatest 'no-er' around but when I do I feel really empowered.

Regarding children.. I'm MUCH better at saying no to my son (who's 2.5) because I have his best interests at heart. Mummy knows best.

good luck.
k

Thanks Katy

Yes, I think you're right, I think people will stop liking me if I say no

I think it's okay to only say no when you have good reason to, and have the default position be a "yes". But you do have to remember that "I don't want to" is a good enough reason for things that aren't necessary, and value e.g. your own time and money for things like lifts and favours.

I think it can help if you get your boundaries established first - if you have trouble saying no it might be a boundary asserting thing that you have trouble with. But for example if you have a boundary in mind of how much computer time your DC is allowed over the course of a day/a week/whatever, then it's easier to say "No you've had your hour" or whatever limit you think is reasonable. A good boundary for lifts might be "If it's difficult to get there by public transport, AND I'm not busy or tired, AND I can spare the petrol (or you ask for petrol money)." Or it could be stricter - e.g. only if it's on your way to something else. Or you could have a rule that lifts have to be "booked" in advance and they can have a maximum number a week. Having a checklist of "is this okay?" will both cut down on asking (because the rules are clear) and also give you a reason. Just remember that YOUR time, money, effort is worth a lot and it's fine to refuse something because you don't want to. It's good, and positive, for them to see you being assertive like this too.

Then, don't engage in any discussion. You've said no, you've given a brief reason, there is no need to go into more detail or enter into negotiation. This will be hard if you've given in before, as they will try and wear you down, but I find that the sentence "I've given you your answer and I won't discuss this any more" is very helpful. After a couple of times of seeing that you mean it (and also that you still say yes sometimes, and that there are reasons for the no) it will be easier and although children usually whine or complain when told no, once they understand you mean it, it's very short lived. They absolutely won't stop loving you for it. In fact, they'll probably respect you more.

Good luck! The thing that helped me to be more assertive with my son was when somebody told me that me being a complete pushover towards him wasn't helping him to learn to be assertive.

Thank you Bertie, some great points and good advice.