7yo being bullied, I need to improve his self esteem

[PurplePunkPrincess]

I feel like the most awful mother, my son has told me a few times about getting hurt by a group of boys he plays with, I assumed they were wrestling/having imaginary light sabre fights and he was just getting hurt. He, tends to get really hurt from a small scratch or knock, so I didn't think much of it and told him to stand up for himself and play with other children. He's been at the school 6 months.

Anyway, for a while I've been a crap mum and was a bit consumed with depression. The last week I've done really well giving them attention, love and properly listening to them and changed the dynamics. Which led to my 7yo ds telling me that every day at school is a bad day because of these boys. It turns out he only really has 1 friend and the other boys are friends with his friend. He has been trying to spend his breaks and lunch with his younger brother (5) to avoid being hurt. DS1 said he gets hurt easily. I have no idea what to make of this. Everyone says he needs to toughen up, but I just think he needs some love and patience. I've listening to him and cuddled him and said I would speak to his teacher.

I don't know what to say to his teacher and what I should expect to happen. I also know I need to work on my son's self esteem and I'm just not sure where to begin. I'm so glad he was able to tell me, even if I should have listened before. Today the boys pushed him into a table, and I'm worried it will get worse.

Your DS is physically hurt? His teacher needs to know ASAP, S/He needs to know that your DS is being pushed/shoved into things and it has reached the point where he is hanging out with his brother to avoid it happening. Mention that this is impacting your DS's self esteem and ask his teacher's advice - that way you can actively support what ever strategies the school puts into place - be clam but clear that you expect things to change and your DS's welfare at school to be safeguarded.

He doesn't need to toughen up. The school have a duty of care to your ds as he is. If he's someone who gets upset or hurt easily then that's what they have to accommodate.

Tell his teacher that he is frightened of getting hurt and explain why. Ask if she has witnessed any of the rough behaviour and ask her to propose a solution for dealing with it. Also send his teacher an email just to confirm what you discussed.

Keep a little log of any incidents he tells you about and if it continues go back to the school again, and again put it in writing.

To improve his confidence it might be worth putting him into a class outside school eg football or martial arts. They would increase his physical confidence (in the way he carries himself) and also give him confidence at mixing with other children.

He does football once a week and I definitely want to focus his attention on an increase the good things outside of school, I told him to go in today with a big smile, avoid the bullies and after school I will talk to his teacher and take them to the park.

I hate that I've had to send him in today without being able to talk to his teacher first, but I don't want to teach him to hide away from these problems.

I hate hearing that boys need to "man up" - and I think that it's lovely that your DS is more caring and calm.

His teacher needs to know what's going on - it's unacceptable for your son to be treated like this and I would want to know what they are doing about this NOW.

How about inviting friends for tea/meeting for park plays? Let him have some good friends to turn to. I think that this would work well to increase his self-esteem, having someone rather than his brother to go to.

HTH

Go to the school and tell her what is happening.
Ask to see the schools bullying policy.
Your son doesn't need to toughen up, the adults around need to step in and prevent it happening.

My son does karate - he does a 'No contact' form where they never hit one another - they do learn precision well from this. They do punch and kick pads during the lessons. The thing I have noticed is how practicing the 'block' techniques on a regular basis mean that he now automatically moves in a way which will minimise any thrust action against him or move out of the way. The other thing about it is that he's going to get his black belt whilst he is 9 at the current progress (he started at 5) and this gives him a significant amount of confidence in himself.

But this is an aside to the current situation which is not acceptable - I hope you get some positive feedback this afternoon.

Thank you for your replies, I went in and his teacher was lovely about it and said he would keep an eye on things for now and that he wasn't aware. He thanked my ds for telling him and said he could talk to him whenever.

I do still think there is an element of this is how this group of boys play, my youngest saw an incident today where the group including my ds1 were being rough with a different boy in the group and ds1 has had a good day without being hurt!

I remember when I was at school it was sometimes difficult to make other friends or stay on my own. I think I might try and talk to the other boys parents and see if they have had similar stories from their little ones. But I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not?

I know that some of the boys (mine included ) can play roughly at times - DS only does it with 'appropriate' boys, and will play 'nicely' with others - but some of them are rough, push, shove and thump as part of their 'normal' play. I'm lucky that DS is very robust and doesn't get knocked over if he does get shoved.

If it's jut rough play, I hope he can learn to make new friends if it bothers him. I will let him know that as much as we take what's happened to him seriously, if he's found to be doing the same to other children that would be, separately, taken just as seriously!

Yes, we went through a period with my DS being hit by a certain boy. I spoke to the school - most of the boys were doing rough 'n' tumble and I was happy that she was dealing with it.

Rather than then saying to DS "You're just as naughty" - I say "if it isn't a kind thing, then I don't want to hear about it" - and then ask him about when he was kind/helpful, ask him about the new children in his class, encourage him to play with them and ask them to join in with his games etc.

A lot of the time with a certain child, he would then hit him back and then they'd both be in trouble - so we spend time discussing telling the teacher and actually telling her that "I wanted to hit him back, but didn't" - and make her know what's going on!

If you know the other parents it might be worth talking to them. I know schools can advise being very hands off and leaving everything to them but I found talking to the other parents gave me a better idea of whether everyone else thought it was rough play or whether anyone else had concerns. tbh I am continually surprised at the level of rough play allowed by the school because it can quickly escalate leaving someone in tears but maybe I need to 'toughen up'